you are right about the time, I have always thought time was against me. That is why I always wanted reconciliation right now, I have to always remind myself that time is actually my friend not my enemy. It is a daily struggle. The DB coach said the same thing. We have be friends first and I must maintain my focus. Check out this new development....
I was thinking about sending W a text to see how her eye was feeling today but I got sidetracked and did not. At 12:36PM I get this
w "Worse today. Woke up with my eye completely swollen shut"
M "I was just thinking about u. Didn't know if u were sleeping or not. I guess that answers my question. Are u going into work?"
W "I've been at work....at lunch"
M "Can't imagine why they would have u sit there gretting customers looking like u just came out of a UFC try out"
W "Because they are stupid and it's a stupid job"
M " I am sorry"
W "U should be...just kidding lol"
M "No you are not but I am"
W "LOL U know me well H..lol"
W "If u werent' a jerk I woulnd't have this stupid job...sorry I am in a mood and u always get the brunt..I am sorry"
M "Not as good as I should have. It's ok I know how u feel. If I wasn't such an ahole u would be at (old job) drinking and hanging out with the girls during lunch. So yes......I am sorry"
W "But I still don't know why u were an ahole. What did I do that upset you so much? but anyway. Thank you for the apology. It is appreciated"
M "It wasn't u, it really wasn't, it was me. I stop hearing u...I stopped being there....And I stopped loving you. For that I am sorry, you have no idea, I tell you the hardest part is knowing I hurt u and knowing how u feel. If I was still blind I would not feel this way. But I am not, I see it. I get it. And I am sorry"
W "I'm sorry I wasn't meaning to make u feel bad. Hope u have a good day afternoon"
M "You didn't I promise" You too hope your eye gets better"
W "OK Thank you"
I finished my lunch and headed to the office. I was happy to hear from W, even if it through a text. 30 minutes pass
W "WOW to see it in words that u stopped loving me...thats tough to read even now after everything"
A minute or so later
W "I know I stopped loving u enough too...But it still sad to read it"
M "I stopped loving u how it mattered, out of pride, ignorance, and sutbborness. The way I feel for u now is the way I should have felt for u always and the way I will always feel. I broke my vows to love u and cherish my wife. I am sorry. I would spend my life loving u how u should be loved if it was up to me"
A few minutes pass
W "And as sad and heartbreaking as it is I don't think I can give u that chance...I hope u understand"
M "I do"
A few minutes pass
W "I just can't"
W "U had my heart once. I can't give it back tho"
At this point I just don't know what to say if anything. sigh big sigh.
Only thing you can say is I understand or nothing at all.
Ignore all of what they say and half of what they do as MWD says. Just because she's not able to trust you enough now doesn't mean things can't change.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Talk about a kick in the nuts. This feels like a week worth of progress just slipped away. Now she is reminded how she can't trust me and instead of feeling good about talking to me she feels like sh!T.
I guess I'll get ready for a few more days of darkness. Hang tight Michelle, I'll bounce back...............I have to
I'm taking deep breathes right now. You are right. I need to give her time to think. I think I'm doing good but little things rattle me. Keep me focused!!! I have to maintain.
I'm taking deep breathes right now. You are right. I need to give her time to think. I think I'm doing good but little things rattle me. Keep me focused!!! I have to maintain.
Ahhh
I didn't see the "but" there....
That makes all the difference......
That's your "Get out of jail free" card...
The next "but" earns you a trip to the "but" police.....
2step...
I'm reading here , and I see you giving great advice to others...
Why do you have a hard time implementing your own advice ????
Because I can see others sitch clearly. I have no real emotion attached, I mean I want them to succeed and I celebrate their small victories as if they where my own. In my own sitch you have to take a lot into account. For one thing my personal involvement my personal pain and grief. I am easily defeated because I hear her voice I see her actions. When she speaks it's not from anger she seems to have thought out her words. I hope that others see my sitch with the same clarity I see theirs.
but I am"