Holy ...I have no idea where things are going right now. H is mister lovey and sweet. Is doing all the right things lately...and I feel I am just waiting for him to drop some sort of atomic bomb. I went into work today and left H at the house by himself. All I could think about was that I was going to come home to an emptied house. H had texted me wondering how long I was going to be...my first thought was definately to the negative.
Of course when I got home everything was fine and he was waiting for me to have a late lunch with him. Then we went to a used book store to try and find some books both of us are looking for...rented some movies and came back home. My IL's are coming over in awhile so H has left until I text him that they are gone. He doesn't want to talk with them right now. I guess I will see if he comes back tonight. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster still.
One day at a time. No expectations from him.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
Holy ...I have no idea where things are going right now. H is mister lovey and sweet. Is doing all the right things lately...and I feel I am just waiting for him to drop some sort of atomic bomb. I went into work today and left H at the house by himself. All I could think about was that I was going to come home to an emptied house. H had texted me wondering how long I was going to be...my first thought was definately to the negative.
Of course when I got home everything was fine and he was waiting for me to have a late lunch with him. Then we went to a used book store to try and find some books both of us are looking for...rented some movies and came back home. My IL's are coming over in awhile so H has left until I text him that they are gone. He doesn't want to talk with them right now. I guess I will see if he comes back tonight. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster still.
One day at a time. No expectations from him.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
I am so angry right now. So as everyone knows and is probably feeling the crap for today, the big V day,I wonder to myself why the heck do we do this?
It was one month ago today that H left. After 2 weeks he comes back and says he loves me blah blah blah... So today, and today is not just V-day for us, it is our anniversary too, it all goes to hell. Last night neither one of us had a very good sleep. so after the kids all went to school we were watching the end of a movie we started last night. Then we went and did some running around. H gave me a Happy anniversary card that was corny...he said we were past the mushy stuff. (didn't realize you were ever suppose to be past it) When we got back home he said he was going out to the other place. (the one where he lives the rest of the time)
Later in the afternoon I got the mail and a check we were waiting for came in. I texted him that it was here. He says good, go get some groceries. I texted him that I can get myself a Vday dinner. He says if that suits your needs. I said well I don't have a date. He says neither does he. I say yes he does his friends and the hockey game. Then a few minutes later asks if I am taking him out for dinner? So I texted back what were you thinking. It has to be cheap. I get back well we dont have to if you dont want to....immediately I see the big cop out. I know he is more interested in spending tonight with his friends watching hockey then being here.
All I can see is red. I am irrationally angry now. As far as I am concerned I shouldn't even have had to ask about dinner or tonight or anything. Even if we had to sit at home and eat KD it would have let me know that the crap he has been spewing about our R is REAL. This only says to me that he is still the same selfish a$$ he was 4 weeks ago. That everything he has said lately is just a bunch of crap.
I am so mad at myself for falling for his bull again. I know I played apart in all of this. I know I let my anger get the very best of me today. I know I cannot have any expectations of him because he can not live up to them....but for pete's sake...I can't have just one day?
I hope the rest of you out there have had a better v-day than I have. Big hugs to everyone!!!
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
Wanda, I can feel your pain. Your expectations were built up and that left you vulnerable. It is normal to be disappointed and angry. Don’t beat yourself up.
Please don’t let this dissuade for your goals. Goals can be what we return to for direction when we have a setback.
V-day is just another day. We have given it power to be more. Breathe.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I am trying to breathe....it's not working. I am tired of being the piece of crap on the bottom of his shoes. I will not let him make me feel this way again. Two weeks ago I was strong and I was feeling good about myself. I knew it was going to happen all over again. He comes back and says what i oh so need to hear and then continues on like he never said it. I just can't believe I fell for it AGAIN!!! I am so stupid. He knows me well enough to know just what to say so he can CAKE EAT!!!! I can not do this with him in my life.
I have not been this angry in a long time. If hockey is more important than his W and kids (who by the way are super big on V-day cuz it's when mom and dad got married) then he can just stay away. It hurts then and it hurts me. H has way to much power and I can not live like that. I read somewhere on one of these posts that the spouse that cares the least about the R has all the power and control. So it is time for me to quit caring and quit giving a crap.
Thanks to all of you that read my rambling and venting. I don't know what I would do without all of you guy!!!!!
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
I didn't hear anymore from H last night. This morning I got my kids ready for school and drove S11 this morning. Like I always do. The drive takes maybe 8 mins there and back. When I get home, H is in the driveway getting some stuff he needs from shop. tells me that he needs a bag of stuff from house. I went into the house and locked door behind me. I gathered his stuff and by this time he is at the door ringing the doorbell. I opened the door handed him his bag and closed it.
The dirty looks where coming right through the door....I could feel them. I don't know how he can expect me not to be angry. At least I didn't until i was doing some reading on here last night.
He doesn't expect me to be angry because I have let him do this to me over and over again. I have become his special little doormat. Well enough is enough. I have to make my boundaries much more firm. No more of this childish behavior. Either he mans up or he goes away.
Anyways, sorry for more rambling. Just need to vent this and be able to go back and re-read what I am thinking so I dont forget.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
Man, somebody needs to plant a 2x4 square on your husband's noggin'! Sorry he's been leading you on a roller coaster ride this week. From what I can tell, your husband may be acting nice and lovey dovey to maintain a status quo. I applaud you for your resilience and stick-to-it-ness. Keep reminding yourself though, anger begats anger. Standing up for yourself and putting your foot down is great, but if done in frustration/anger/spite, you stand the likelihood of your husband returning the favor. Even if he's not genuinely improving (or just downright stubbornly oblivious), respect and love do tear down walls, no matter how thick.
Sheesh, it's so easy to talk the talk, but I struggle doing it in my own life right now. I need a 2x4 aimed at my noggin' too!
Wanda, deep breathe - don't deny your feelings, but think about it this way - he's scared, he screwed up his life, and it's a major day for you guys - holiday about love/anniversary. Maybe he's still a jerk, but maybe he's scared about continuing to move forward/freaking out about the pressure/worried he'll blow it/self-sabotaging/testing you. What's the saying about assumptions - I assume makes an a$$ out of "u" and "me"?
Remember your goals. Set boundaries, take time away/get distance when you need to. Also, one thing that really worked for me - I have been trying to be very clear about what I want (not heavy relationship stuff, little day to day things) - for example, a few weeks ago (after a big 0 christmas/anniversary), I told him in a casual convo that I expected him to get me gifts on behalf of the kids, until they were old enough to do it themselves. Hallelujah, guess who got a little V day gift from each of her babies. It was more thought than he put into my 1st mother's day - I was really appreciative, since I want to encourage that thoughtfulness (and it was sweet).
So, keeping being kind, keep lighting the way back. Tell him some time next week that you want him to bring a bucket of KFC and you'll have ice cream (or some other fav dessert), since you were both busy with other things on Vday. If it goes well, maybe you watch a movie....or maybe you keep a little more space/let things play out slowly.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
PS - I'm so mad for you, you deserved a nice day and I think you're wonderful for doing this. I hope by next V-day you are seeing the rewards of all this hard work!
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
I think a 2X4 would be in order if I thought it would work. It won't. H is so selfish and caught up in what he is doing that a 2X4 wouldn't even phase him. The fog he is in isn't clearing. I feel I just need to walk away. I need to stop letting him get to me. I let my guard down and that is completely my fault. I will not do it again.
Thanks for the thoughts and advice. Everyday is going to be a huge struggle...but one day this will be easier.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
