Recovering after a same sex affair

[sparks14]

the OW is not the problem

she is a symptom of the problem

I would spend that valuable therapy time talking about the problem instead of the symptom

don't get tangled int he small stuff (I know it isn't really SMALL) but shelving the OW isn't what is important

it is figuring out why there WAS an OW...what areas have been missing, what areas need work, where you both are

I would maybe not pretened but pretend the OW isn't an issue...

I understand where you are going here, Figg. I understand that she is just a symptom of the issue, but with her in the picture, how can we really work on us?

I do think we need to spend the valuable therapy time talking about what happened to us. What areas need help, etc. I also get the feeling right now that my W is more interested in using therapy to talk about co-parenting. She has given a little about her feelings but not much in therapy so far. I guess I will just let the therapist do her job and lead us down the road to recovery.

I do, however, intend to begin therapy with a sincere apology for betraying her trust in checking her email and exposing the affair to my parents instead of her first. I agree that this is very important.

So I need to ask for some advice on how to approach tonight's couples therapy session. Please feel free to comment. I could use anything.

I first want to start with a sincere apology about telling my parents about the affair first as well as the email deception. My therapist recommended to tell her why I did it, but to me that was like "I'm sorry, but..". He said that I could come across instead as "apologize, here is what I was thinking at that moment, now I realize I was wrong because of this". Does that makes sense?

I then anticipate questions from my wife concerning the email. The most important I would think would be if I have a copy. Bolt and I discussed this as, "Yes I do. They are sealed in a safe place. I hope they never have to come out. I look forward to the day where we can burn them together". Makes sense to me, but I can see how even that would get her defenses going. My property, holding them over my head, etc. Thoughts?

I want to eventually get to a point as cat mentioned where I just actively listen to my wife. I am not sure if she there yet in this process, but I want to know what her feelings were during the time the affair began. What was missing from me? What emotions were not being met? Are there things now that I can do? Just simply listen and not argue any of her feelings. Just validate. I know communication is a big part of the faults of our marriage, so I want to make sure that I listen carefully. Should I even take notes to properly understand, or would that come off weak?

Help me out, please. Cat? Figg? Mach? Bolt? ironman? Lostinscared? BITS? You guys have provided me the most useful information that I have found so far in my journey. Thank you!!

Thank you!