The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Like fiction. Yep, very surreal and yet, as I meet more people I find not nearly as uncommon as I'd like to think. Shame too.

I've been rethinking things lately. Not because I need to change anything but because we're getting to the end of the agreement negotiations. I meet with the lawyer on thursday to finalize. Know what? I really am the lucky one. Not financially, but that's inconsequential. But because I stuck to my morals, ethics, and integrity throughout. I loved and likely still do love her deeply. Yet differently. I'm ok with that.

Many people laugh at me when I say I don't want to talk to her. Or they look knowingly at me like, "he'll learn". What I've come to find out is that I don't want to talk to her, not because I hate her. I don't. I don't want to talk to her because I'm not a masochist. Most conversations revolve around what she wants from me. As I look back I realize there were years of the relationship slowly becoming more and more one-way. Of her sabotaging my relationships with the kids, but mostly with my son. I realize that whatever issues she has, she projected them onto me. I suspect a lot of it is with her dad, but that's just supposition and that line of thinking provides no value. It's just that I'm still struggling with the sanity of it all. Only to realize that there isn't any

That's ok. I wish her well and hope she does well. I'm sure she will do well actually. And I'm very grateful she is at least spending more quality time with the kids regardless of why.

I posted to vent. Because the legal aspects do carry some stress since I have to be in protective mode and have to think about the situation more than I'd like. Venting like this helps.

I realize I'm not over her. I also realize there is no going back (that I can see). That's ok. I'm happy and fully expect to be happier as time goes on. I also fully expect to have these various emotions as we near the divorce time. Once the sep agreement is in place, I don't have to see her or talk to her until son's confirmation. I'm happy about that as well. There will be a little bit of back and forth email for daughter's birthday and mother's day, but otherwise no comm. I like that. I've been quite peaceful and happy without comm.
Sometimes I've been introspective and wondered why I didn't see some of this as clearly as I do now. I know why, but I rethink it just because that's how I am.

Anyway, things are going well. My daughter is rapidly changing and becoming a young lady. Was teaching her to drive a stick shift the other day. I feel like a milkshake but she's doing it well. My son and I are planning something for my 40th birthday. We'll have to drag my daughter along though - she's 15 almost 16 and doesn't always want to say she wants to do things even if she does.

Later,

AJ