Lost, hurt and scared ...

[MeMyselfandI]

Mystery solved! I called to say good night and after a few tears, he admitted what was bugging him, he misses his Mommy. I suggested (since we are on one of our two week rotations), that maybe he could have a sleepover here one night this week. He loved the idea and instantly said "tomorrow". I told him I would text his dad and ask and H has agreed.

I sent the text saying that I had just gotten off the phone with S, (who had gone to his room so he could talk privately with me) and that he seemed pretty upset and would like to have a sleepover tomorrow night if that was ok. H agreed and said he was just in talking to S and that S was pretty upset. He said he actually opened up more than he ever has before and that he will email me tomorrow with details. He also said S was doing better as soon as he told him he could come here for a sleepover.

A few more texts back and forth, H indicated he had hockey anyway so he had no problem with the sleepover and asked if I wanted both kids. I suggested that maybe D doesn't want to come and that maybe some undivided Mommy time would be better for S right now as I was a little worried about him. I suggested he ask D what she wanted to do first.

We'll see what his email findings uncover tomorrow on his discussions with S. I would suspect this whole thing is really bothering S and H will try to downplay, normalize and justify it all. I may allow him to do that with me but I won't allow him to do that to our S. I won't argue or disagree with him, I will simply handle our S the way I think it should be handled ... by allowing him to have his feelings, express his feelings without feeling threatened and helping him to work through them.

[MeMyselfandI]

Well, as expected, I got a big long email from H regarding all kinds of justifications for S's issues, (tired, 2 weeks is an issue, got into trouble, all kinds of excuses). H goes on to say that he did ask him again to make sure that OW was not a problem and S says that he is fine and he doesn't care, she is just not gonna be his Mom. H does aknowledge that he doesn't believe that this is S's problem but is possibly something that he feels uneasy about and cannot express. DUH, ya think?

H was also unsure what D wanted to do as he didn't get a chance to ask her about tonight so said he would let me know but maybe she should stay at his place. H did say he wouldn't discourage her if she really wanted a sleepover.

Anyway, although I wanted to spew all kinds of venom about why he needed to introduce the OW now (I have discovered that he has only been seeing her a month - was it really that urgent and is it really something that's gonna last - me thinks no), but regardless of what I was thinking, I think I did ok in my response. Here it is, 2 x 4's welcome if needed:

Thanks for the update, I think he is really confused and maybe not sure what he is feeling right now but knows that something just doesn't feel right. As I mentioned, when he was on his second week at my place, I came right out and asked both kids what they thought of it and he loved it so I dunno.

I think it would be best if I had some one on one time with him tonight and I can pick him up around 7 if that's ok with you. Maybe if D really has her mind set, you could suggest, (or I could talk to her and suggest) she could have a sleepover either tomorrow or on Wednesday after hockey? Something with just her and I and that way they are both getting some alone time.

[MeMyselfandI]

OK, I'm at a crossroads and in need of advice desperately. I had a great night with S last night, spent an hour helping him with homework, watched some hockey and went up to cuddle prior to bed. Well, he spilled the beans but not without some convincing and assurances from me that I wouldn't tell anyone. Well, no big surprises, S doesn't like OW, he thinks she is trying to buy all of them (this came about because the first night she came over after H told them he was dating her, she showed up with Valentines for all of them and bought all kinds of B-day presents for our D). S went on to list a whole host of things he doesn’t like about her which is basically everything and said he doesn't want to spend time with her. He's afraid to tell H so he just tells him he's fine with it as long as they know she is never gonna be his Mom. S is also upset that D seems to be buying into the OW so easily but really, I can rationalize this. She is an 11 year old girl with attitude and can likely relate to the OW quite easily because of her age. She doesn’t get disciplined or told what to do by OW and therefore can have more of a “friend/older sibling” relationship with OW. I'm sure when the hard stuff comes down, this too will fizzle.

H sent me a text and I got it just before S and I talked. He asked that I let him know if I figure anything out about S. I wrote back just saying we hadn't talked about anything, just did homework and watched hockey and that I reassured S that he could say anything to both H and I and that he needed to do that so we can help him. This was part of my conversation with S as well but he reiterated that he was afraid to tell H these things.

This isn't the biggest worry I have as I think I have a solid plan on how to handle it. I'm not going to say anything to H so as to not break the trust of S. I think S needs that right now and I also think once the honeymoon of this new relationship wears down things will not be as rosy as they think they are right now. The relationship between H and S is theirs to figure out and I don’t feel it’s my place to step in to help it.

Now, on to where I need advice on how to proceed. It ends up, D went to H's hockey game last night. S told me she was going when I picked him up and I had it confirmed this morning as my boarder and another co-worker were doing the time clock for the game. It is a school night, they didn't get off the ice till 10:45 pm which means she wouldn't have been home and in bed till about 11:30 pm. We had just received an email from her teacher on Friday explaining that she was struggling in school, recently got 46% on a math test and 40% on a science test and needs to buckle down. Teacher did say he didn't think the work was too hard for her but she just wasn't applying good studying techniques and was hesitant to ask questions when she doesn't understand things.

Needless to say, I’m upset. She has a Math test today! This is totally irresponsible as far as I’m concerned and I think he is starting to make some bad parenting decisions. It puts light on some things, (i.e. D enjoys spending time at H’s more than my place) – duh, she gets away with things that she would never get away with at my house, such as staying up till 11:30 pm on a school night. So, I want to confront him; however I’m wondering what good it is going to do? I know it will make him angry and is that what I really want to accomplish? I know he’ll already know that I’m aware and what good will saying anything do? The damage has already been done; our 11 year old D is already in school writing her math test. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Queen_of_Swords]

OK, I'm at a crossroads and in need of advice desperately. I had a great night with S last night, spent an hour helping him with homework, watched some hockey and went up to cuddle prior to bed. Well, he spilled the beans but not without some convincing and assurances from me that I wouldn't tell anyone. Well, no big surprises, S doesn't like OW, he thinks she is trying to buy all of them (this came about because the first night she came over after H told them he was dating her, she showed up with Valentines for all of them and bought all kinds of B-day presents for our D). S went on to list a whole host of things he doesn’t like about her which is basically everything and said he doesn't want to spend time with her. He's afraid to tell H so he just tells him he's fine with it as long as they know she is never gonna be his Mom. S is also upset that D seems to be buying into the OW so easily but really, I can rationalize this. She is an 11 year old girl with attitude and can likely relate to the OW quite easily because of her age. She doesn’t get disciplined or told what to do by OW and therefore can have more of a “friend/older sibling” relationship with OW. I'm sure when the hard stuff comes down, this too will fizzle.

H sent me a text and I got it just before S and I talked. He asked that I let him know if I figure anything out about S. I wrote back just saying we hadn't talked about anything, just did homework and watched hockey and that I reassured S that he could say anything to both H and I and that he needed to do that so we can help him. This was part of my conversation with S as well but he reiterated that he was afraid to tell H these things.

This isn't the biggest worry I have as I think I have a solid plan on how to handle it. I'm not going to say anything to H so as to not break the trust of S. I think S needs that right now and I also think once the honeymoon of this new relationship wears down things will not be as rosy as they think they are right now. The relationship between H and S is theirs to figure out and I don’t feel it’s my place to step in to help it.
Good for you. No it's not your place to help or hinder S and H relationship.
Now, on to where I need advice on how to proceed. It ends up, D went to H's hockey game last night. S told me she was going when I picked him up and I had it confirmed this morning as my boarder and another co-worker were doing the time clock for the game. It is a school night, they didn't get off the ice till 10:45 pm which means she wouldn't have been home and in bed till about 11:30 pm. We had just received an email from her teacher on Friday explaining that she was struggling in school, recently got 46% on a math test and 40% on a science test and needs to buckle down. Teacher did say he didn't think the work was too hard for her but she just wasn't applying good studying techniques and was hesitant to ask questions when she doesn't understand things.

Needless to say, I’m upset. She has a Math test today! This is totally irresponsible as far as I’m concerned and I think he is starting to make some bad parenting decisions. It puts light on some things, (i.e. D enjoys spending time at H’s more than my place) – duh, she gets away with things that she would never get away with at my house, such as staying up till 11:30 pm on a school night. So, I want to confront him; however I’m wondering what good it is going to do? I know it will make him angry and is that what I really want to accomplish? I know he’ll already know that I’m aware and what good will saying anything do? The damage has already been done; our 11 year old D is already in school writing her math test. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Well, in this case I would ask the teacher or the principal to write a letter to send to H about your D's academic non-performance, so he understands how the lack of discipline is affecting her.

[MeMyselfandI]

Thank you for the response SC. H has received the same note that I did about our D's progress and challenges and that is my issue. I did decide not to say anything to H at all today regarding D being at the rink that late.

H has sent me two messages asking about S and I have also not responded to those. I may need to eventually but I'm hoping maybe S will open up and is feeling a bit safer based upon our discussions last night. Time will tell I suppose.

[MeMyselfandI]

Having a hard time right now ... really hard. So, to update. I did respond to H regarding S and just basically said he was struggling right now and we focussed on what I can do to make things easier for him.

On to D. I haven't really spoken to her in days ... it's like she's completely detached from me. H & I have received another email from her teacher saying that D has 4 outstanding assignments and will be getting incompletes on her mid term report if she doesn't get them done. To top it off, I sent H a text last night to get the kids to turn their cells on so I could call them and he writes back saying that S is finishing his book report and D is "very grounded" 'cause she has a book report due in 2 days and hasn't even read one page of her book. I respond saying that she told me two weeks ago that she was almost done her book. H responds saying it's the first he's heard of it and there will be no more facebook for her.

Later on I get another text from him saying "Sorry Full, they finished up and went to bed. I can ask them to call you in the morning. I got distracted with bedtime and forgot."

OK, I could scream. First of all, the book report project has been posted on their classes website page for weeks. I always check that page as a responsible parent, to make sure they are working on their stuff. Second of all, Facebook is not her only issue obviously. Being at the hockey rink till 11:30 on a school night probably isn't something helpful either.

I did not say anything though ... I can't control how he parents the kids and I'm not quite sure how to put this across quite yet without completely slamming his parenting abilities.

On to tonight. I called my S earlier and spoke with him quite a bit. D didn't have time to talk right then 'cause she was working on her homework. So, I was out for most of the night and when I got home, I called S again to see if I could talk to his sister yet. He tells me she's not home, just him and H as D is at the movie theatre with OW and her friend watching. It was like someone put a knife right through my heart! They are trying so hard to integrate her into their lives and D is eating it up like candy and I'm left out in the cold. It hurts, it hurts so much and I just don't know how to handle it. It's eating me up inside, bit by bit, piece by piece. As it sit here, the tears make it hard to even type. Not only have I lost the family I once knew, but it seems I am now losing my D too and I don't think I can deal with that.

[MeMyselfandI]

OK, my D called back after she got home from the movie. Brief conversation, she was distant. This is very painful. After I hung up with her, S called. He didn't sound great and I had spoken to him already three times so I asked him what was up. He said, just hang on I have to go to my room to talk to you. When he got in there, he started crying really hard. He started telling me how mad he was at his sister, she's doing all these things with OW, (like the movies, etc.) and whenever all of them are there, he never gets to have any fun and he feels really left out. He goes on to say he hates OW and that H is always mean to him when she is around. He gave an example like, he said, "you know Mommy, like sometimes when I'm on the phone and I'll walk around in circles when I'm talking - well Daddy will yell at me to sit on the couch and sit still when OW is there." I try to comfort him and tell him I wish he was with me so I could and he immediately asks where I am and says he really wants to be with me right now. Then he stumbles a little on his words and stops crying and says, "I have something in my eye." I quickly realize that H has just walked into his room and he is trying to cover up that he has been crying. I tell him that I love him very much and wished this was easier for him. I also told him, (because I'm out of town for the weekend), that he can call me anytime that he needs to. I can't wait till Sunday when they come back to my house. He needs his Mom so much right now.

It breaks my heart to have him go through this. Here's the three of them, carrying on like life is grand and my poor little guy is just being torn apart.

[Lorie1964]

My heart aches for your son and breaks for you! I am praying for you all. It is just so hard on the children!

Blessings

[MeMyselfandI]

Thank you Lorie, it is very difficult for the kids. I called my S this morning to see how he was doing. D answered his phone so I said hi, asked her how she was, etc. and she still seemed distant so I aksed her if S was awake yet. She said, I don't think so and I asked her if she could wake him, (it was time anyway) 'cause I wanted to talk to him. He and I chatted for a few minutes and I told him he should go and get some breakfast and get ready for school. He still sounded pretty sullen but a bit better I think.

Interestingly, D called back a few minutes later. She said, why did you just want to talk to S. Wow, how careful we have to be I guess. I said, I did talk to her but she didn't really seem to want to talk so I thought I wouldn't bother her. I also told her, I always want to talk to her, that I miss her very much, but she isn't very talkative on the phone so I just figured maybe she didn't want to talk. I said sorry to her and we talked for a couple of minutes.

I'm going to go see them at the hockey rink today just before I take off as they have school hockey and I really want to see them before I go. I guess maybe they are both struggling and I really think D is so afraid of losing her connection with D that she is doing whatever she thinks is necessary to make sure that doesn't happen and maybe this is part of why she seems so connected to OW so quickly. She went from running and hiding from OW and H about three weeks ago because of a hug, to full on, hang out, invite OW to her B-day party and it just doesn't seem like her at all.

[MeMyselfandI]

OK, just came back from seeing kids and both seemed pretty good. Than I thought, wow, I'm really getting myself in a funk about this whole thing with the kids and I can't really do anything about it except be there for them.

H wasn't there to pick up their bags and had mentioned to me that he had lunch plans today when I had asked him about taking the dogs this weekend since no one was going to be here to look after them, (to which he agreed if I had no other alternative). In the past, prior to OW, he never had an issue with taking the dogs. So, he is coming to pick them up later tonight and they will be by themselves for about 6 hours. I decided to text H about dogs, (in the middle of his lunch date - don't care who it was with but I would presume OW - maybe I'm picking up on a little of GAG's BAG stuff if anyone knows what that's all about).

Me: Just so you know dogs aren't locked but will be in the garage ... I don't want to leave them without food and water for too long. If they leave any little surprises, don't worry about it I will clean up when I get back.

H: I'll clean it don't worry

Me: LOL, I told you not to worry ... what is this, one upsmanship(smiley)

H: Not at all, I wouldn't want 2 come home to it and would appreciate somone taking care of it 4 me. Just being nice

Me: Jokes ... Laugh a little! Thanks, I do appreciate it too and I knew u would just didn't want you to feel obligated.

I kinda chuckled at how defensive he seems to be right now. Almost like he doesn't feel what he is doing is right and has to protect and be guarded, even when I'm being lighthearted about things. I'm guessing this comes from the past when I wasn't really good at my DB techniques and things would roll along for a little while and then he would do something to P me off and I'd let him know. I'm finallly getting it ... I can't control what he does so I'm reminding myself of that daily and at every interaction. It's going to take him a while to notice this though and I'm going to be doing a lot more posting on here to vent.

It is also one of those GAL, 180 things for me. I was always such a joker with a great sense of humor,(sometimes very sarcastic but in a fun way) and somehow, along the way I lost that part of me. Many adored that part of me, including H and I'm working on getting that back. I think while losing myself, I lost my confidence to be that way and it really is a natural thing for me. Part of my charm I want back so to speak.