question for husbands who have had affairs

[abbey1989]

Hi FirstLove,

Two years ago, to this day exactly, I confronted H with a card I found. The card was blank, but on the envelope was the initial "J". OW's first initial. All of the other signs were there though. He denied anything was going on. I said that I was really missing an emotional connection to him, and he said that he agreed. He told me that it hurts him that I didn't initiate sex more. His other issue was that I didn't "trust" him. We talked about separating/divorce but not until after kids were out of school for the year. Didn't want to disrupt their lives any more than necessary. We went about our regular lives for the next 6 months, and then he decided to take a trip "alone" to go see a race in No. California. I was distraught. Was just getting ready to take first son to college and I thought back to our previous conversation and I thought...boom...this is it! He's leaving. When he came back, we talked and I didn't accuse him of having affair again, but I did bring up the fact that he talked about leaving during the summer, and now summer was over, and was he planning to leave? He was bummed that I even brought it up, and said no he wasn't going anywhere. I told him I loved him and our R and family mean more to me than anything in the world. He was kind and said we'll work it out. Last week, my husband called me from a number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone and said hello, and he said, "Hi?" he sounded very surprised that I was the one who answered. He actually hung up. I called back a few times and no answer on that number. Then he called me back on his "real" cell phone and made up an excuse for why he was calling from another number. But the sad part is that excuse didn't match the voicemail that he actually left on my phone that day. He left a message that went like this: "Hey Babe, I'm here at (blank) college waiting in the parking lot near the cafeteria". OW works at this college. He doesn't know I know this, but of course I googled her and found out. I called him and told him about the strange voicemail that was left on my phone. He said he didn't know what that was about. Seriously?!! Then he said he had met an architect there that day to look at a building. And I'm thinking yeah...you call the architect Babe?

So...that day....all of the emotions of 2 years ago came rushing back. I can't eat, I barely sleep, and can't stop thinking about them together. That afternoon, he called me repeatedly at work and I didn't take his calls. He knew I was upset. I went for a long walk on the beach and then came home and worked in our office. Then took a shower and just cried and cried. He could tell I was upset. I was afraid to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. He has been SO considerate and kind since then. Lots of hugs, lots of holding, etc...

So I guess to answer your question, H has never admitted to an affair. Maybe that's what makes it all the more painful. I have fantasies about catching them out and about together. Then I think...well maybe they aren't having an A. I don't know! Maybe I'm just crazy.

Thanks for listening..........




He has never admitted and when I have asked or even questioned where he is going he gets very irritated so I have not brought it up.



I came to this website often then (Sandi2 was the best) during that time. I decided to work on me. I got really physically fit, hiked with a group of friends every weekend, took up photography, went back to college and even found a new job outside of our family business. All in the last 2 years.

I found doing these things DID and HAVE really helped my self esteem. I actually started thinking that well maybe....H actually was going on those bike rides alone, hikes alone, etc...