Newbie- Very Lost- Not Sure where to start

[tdb68]

More confused than ever.. As I "pull away", she is trying to be more friends than ever.. Wants to sit and watch TV together, two phone calls from her yesterday, right after her saying she wanted to "respect my space". Is my MC giving me bad advice to "pull away" and not be friends? I have read the LRT over about 15 times now, and still trying to "apply" it correctly to my sitch.

[JustStunned]

tbd69, I do not have advice, I am not qualified, I will ask a question and tell you what I am doing. I have seen little hints, but have no progress to reconciliation. I have had to drop expectations of R for my own peace of mind.

Have you detached from trying to save your M?

W dropped her bomb out of the blue sky. I was clueless, I knew we were having problems, but I did not realize that each push/demand to go to MC was slamming the door on my R until the bomb dropped. So after a few days of pursuing, pleading, begging etc. I found DR and settling in to the LRT section. It has been tough, but maybe easier than your sitch as W moved out of the house 5 days after the bomb.

The first step for me was detaching from expectations I could fix this. Manipulating the sitch, pointing out changes, talking about what I was doing got me nowhere as I was still trying to fix it. My attempts to fix it were perceived as pursuing and pressuring. They only served to cause W to pull away harder and more angrily.

So I am trying to focus on is improving me and praying, really praying for W’s welfare, safety, my peace of mind, strength to deal, and the possibility of having a different R within our M. I focus all of my hopes for reconciliation into prayer. The rest of the time I am focusing on making me different. Doing 180s for me, GAL for me, trying to keep PMA at all times. It is not easy, what worth having is. Along the way I have discovered things about myself that are not attractive and caused W pain. She is not without blame here, but I will never point it out. She needs to discover this herself also.

Do your changes for you and make them real, GAL for you, include your children, during interactions with W be pleasant, validate, sincerely apologize, keep comments centered around yourself. Use I a lot, Avoid YOU as much as possible. If you have to use you remove as much emphasis from it as possible. Keep the door ajar but do not expect W to step through it. I suspect your W does not trust any changes she perceives are real.

If you can afford to do so setup a DB session with a coach, I have not but I plan on it. Sorry for the long post

[JustStunned]

I think your MC is trying to provide space so both of you can dial down the tension and begin to miss each other a little. You have to decide if that is right or wrong. Are you seeing a little positive reaction to this? Remember this is a rollercoaster for her too. The experience is cyclic. I know this aspirate vigorously

[Redo]

I am looking for some feedback on my sitch and comments.. Anybody have any words of encouragement? Really struggling to stay focused..

tdb: I sympathize with you man. My W too has been on the same path. She just wants the D and move on. I tried slowing things down, but she keeps calling and pushing me. So i changed my reasoning to go ahead with the D. As people say here, it is just a piece of paper. I am then planning on changing gears and start courting her once again. I am just motivating myself that i can get to date again (with my wife!). Sometimes it is hard to keep this hope going, but right now thats the only thing i have.

[tdb68]

I am observing my W, and trying not to say anything to her about her actions. I have noticed very recently, as I am "pulling away", she becomes paranoid and protective. She is taking her laptop whenever she leaves the house, locked her phone, and even locks her car in our garage (none of these she would have done before). When I discovered her EA back in 2009, and when she walked away, i was "snooping" trying to figure out what the heck was going on. When i reassured her a few days ago, that i was not doing this, whatever she is doing is on her, i learned last time around, all is does is give me anxiety, and I can't change what she is doing anyway.. So, as soon as I pull back (I didn't call or text her from work this morning at all), she starts to "freak out" and start hiding things again, just happened when I went home for lunch. Do I continue to re-assure her? If she doesn't have anything to hide, why the secrecy? Could I be dealing with a MLC here? or another affair? Anyone else seen this type of behavior?

[MrBond]

tdb68,

When your W does that, then she is hiding something or feels "unsafe" around you. When you talked to her saying that you weren't "snooping" did you bring up your concern about her possibly being in an A? You don't have to accusing, but couples are supposed to be transparent. If she starts being evasive, then you have your answer.

[sandi2]

Your W does appear to have symptoms of one who is in an A. Is she displaying the same behavior as she did in her other A's?

You said that you didn't feel good about snooping, and you have assured your W that you are not doing it. If she has nothing to hide, why does she need reassured of this? There should be no secrets or privacy in a MR.

I think before going any farther, I would need to know how far you are willing to go in this? Can you deal knowing there is a strong chance of a third party being in the M, or is that a total dealbreaker for you?

[tdb68]

Mr Bond,

Thanks for the response, I was not quite that elegant. I was not nasty or accusatory, I just told her, that I had nothing to "snoop" at, I didn't really care what she was doing. For probably the first half of our marriage (conservatively), I was verbally abusive and very absent (worked ridiculous hours after the kids were born, thought i was doing the right thing so she could be a stay at home Mom). All of this I believed was my contribution to the EA, I was not meeting her needs for conversation, and we had some financial troubles, all these coupled together make her feel "unsafe". When I reassure her "everything is going to be ok, no matter what happens". She becomes very open, and wants to be "chatty". She didn't really react at all when I said "I didn't care" what she was doing, I had no interest in looking any more, because, I can not change whatever it is she is doing. Maybe not the best answer, when I think I am in resorting to LRT, but still becoming more confused at this whole sitch daily.. I guess I have to just do what "feels right", if it is opening her up more, and she is choosing to talk more and spend more time with me, that can not be a bad thing, right??

[MrBond]

"When I reassure her "everything is going to be ok, no matter what happens". She becomes very open, and wants to be "chatty"."

Because you're letting her off the hook without having to deal with any of the negative consequences.

"I can not change whatever it is she is doing."

Yes you can.

You working long hours to provide for the family had nothing to do with her A. An A is a CHOICE. She chose it and has to deal with the consequences. Open transparency is what's needed when trust has been broken. She doesn't "get it".

You should show her that you are hurt and feel betrayed. No sweeping things under the rug.

[tdb68]

Thanks sandi2 for the response. I don't really think this is another EA, while the "hiding" and her paranoia seem the same, the other traits are not there. When I get home at night, she still just wants to spend time together, conversation that we had only when things were very good, part of what I missed early on was her need for me to "listen", and now that I do that, it seems as though she can not do without. There has been dinner on the table when i walked in the door from work, every single day since the divorce idea, and we sit there with our two sons and have very nice normal family dinner conversations every night. During her last WAW, and the EA, she completely ignored me when the family was at the table .. ZERO to say to me, now she engages all of us equally. This is why I keep posting that I am confused, as the traits are so different as a whole this time. Could I be with someone facing MLC? I am just really reading all of the posts and comments to look for the commonality with my sitch. Still working on LRT, but her wanting me to continue to be her best friend and talk about her day, "going dark" seems to backfire.. I am monitoring my results, and that is the only one that seems to not be working, yet, from my understanding is going to be a critical part of LRT, and was what my MC recommended, "make her miss you". Just deepens my confusion.