Newbie- Very Lost- Not Sure where to start

[JustStunned]

tbd69, I do not have advice, I am not qualified, I will ask a question and tell you what I am doing. I have seen little hints, but have no progress to reconciliation. I have had to drop expectations of R for my own peace of mind.

Have you detached from trying to save your M?

W dropped her bomb out of the blue sky. I was clueless, I knew we were having problems, but I did not realize that each push/demand to go to MC was slamming the door on my R until the bomb dropped. So after a few days of pursuing, pleading, begging etc. I found DR and settling in to the LRT section. It has been tough, but maybe easier than your sitch as W moved out of the house 5 days after the bomb.

The first step for me was detaching from expectations I could fix this. Manipulating the sitch, pointing out changes, talking about what I was doing got me nowhere as I was still trying to fix it. My attempts to fix it were perceived as pursuing and pressuring. They only served to cause W to pull away harder and more angrily.

So I am trying to focus on is improving me and praying, really praying for W’s welfare, safety, my peace of mind, strength to deal, and the possibility of having a different R within our M. I focus all of my hopes for reconciliation into prayer. The rest of the time I am focusing on making me different. Doing 180s for me, GAL for me, trying to keep PMA at all times. It is not easy, what worth having is. Along the way I have discovered things about myself that are not attractive and caused W pain. She is not without blame here, but I will never point it out. She needs to discover this herself also.

Do your changes for you and make them real, GAL for you, include your children, during interactions with W be pleasant, validate, sincerely apologize, keep comments centered around yourself. Use I a lot, Avoid YOU as much as possible. If you have to use you remove as much emphasis from it as possible. Keep the door ajar but do not expect W to step through it. I suspect your W does not trust any changes she perceives are real.

If you can afford to do so setup a DB session with a coach, I have not but I plan on it. Sorry for the long post