H just stopped by this morning. He told me that he is jealous of the fact that other men are approaching me and that he was harsh and inconsiderate because of that and apologized.
I accepted his apology, but am taking everything with a grain of salt. Just really tired and worn out. I am still GAL'ing with a vengeance. We'll see what happens.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I just caught up with your sitch and gotta say you are one tough cookie. If you ask me the one with the pitty party here is H not you. He is clearly turned around and doesn't know what to do at this point. He wants you but he doesn't.
No great words of wisdom from me just wanted to say to keep going strong because you seem to have a better handle on yourself than most of us.
2step - Thanks for the words of encouragement! I have to admit, I don't feel like I have a better handle, but I am taking it day by day.
I've been thinking and after the first week or so when H left, I felt good and empowered. I felt that the separation needed to happen because the M had reached critical mass, as far as how he was treating me. Because of that, I was operating from a place of freedom and empowerment that I've somehow lost along the way. I'm going back there pronto.
This separation is a good thing. While I want my marriage and I am willing to fight for it, where I am now is better than where I was. And that is a good thing. Just have to keep reminding myself.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
The PMA is back and in effect. I don't know why I let myself get so down. I picked this guy to be my H and he's been up and down since the beginning. So, I'm really at status quo here, right?
Bottom line - I love him and I'm still committed to working on our M. I'd like to see some improvements in different areas, but they are not deal breakers for me, they never have been. The one thing I can't do is be in a relationship with someone who does not want me. So, he's gotta hash that part out for himself and show me that he does, nothing I can do about it.
But I can take care of me and control how I treat myself and allow others to treat me. The huge, major things that I want to work on are getting consistent in being strong internally, not allowing my feelings to overtake my life and to focus on the many positive, awesome and wonderful things about my life and being me.
We all have good things going on in our lives despite our sitches. I think it's possible to focus on those good things and hold them close as we ride this roller coaster. So...onwards and upwards
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
H has clearly drawn back quite a bit. Less physical time together, although the texting hasn't changed. It's taking me a moment and I am feeling a little teary, but I am going to be okay with this. I'm on this train for the duration, I'm not jumping off the caboose!
Also, I am feeling a bit squicked out because a man who came into my work and spoke with me sent me flowers and found me on facebook and tried to friend me, although I never told him my last name. I didn't give him an inkling of flirtation and I have been watching too many shows on Discovery ID about stalkers
Anyway, the next seven days, my challenge for myself is to focus on the positive. I am so blessed. I have a heart that feels, a mind that thrives, a body that allows me to do so many wonderful things, friends that I love and who love me, family that is unique, committed and all mine. I am so, so blessed.
My niece is coming this weekend and I am going to treat her well and create positive, lovely memories that we both can cherish as she gears up for college in 2012. I have work to do, writing to do, a life to live. I still get to be me, regardless of who loves me. The most important thing is that I love and honor myself.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I had a mini-meltdown yesterday. Luckily, it was in my car and no one was around to see it. I just sobbed and sobbed like I haven't in weeks. I know it's supposed to be cleansing, but I didn't like it. I got very sick of crying in that first month after he left and I don't want to go back to those crying jags again
I read Denver's soul-baring post in his thread and I am feeling a bit odd. With so much talk about taking responsibility for your actions that caused problems in the marriage, I feel like I want to step up and take responsibility, but when I look at my sitch, I can't see things clearly.
When H lived with me, I took responsibility for everything for so long. It was my fault that I was fat and unattractive. Because of my weight, he wanted other women, had multiple flirtations, was tempted and eventually cheated. Because of my weight, he felt cheated and treated me with anger and coldness. Essentially, all of his actions were blamed on my weight. So, began the mad dash for weight loss, the crazy diets, the awesome pressure to change my body in order to change his behavior. It was utter insanity!
Now that he does not live with me, I can see clearly that I am not to blame for his actions. I finally feel resentful for the way he treated me and our M for so long, although I am working on that resentment. He has also stepped up and told me that I am lovely, attractive and amazing and that my weight was not the problem, but his own actions were...but underneath it all there's a part of me that still feels guilty for being fat and a part that still feels that he's not with me because of my weight. Even though, he asked to come home early into the separation, I knew he didn't really want to come home and work on our R and he has since admitted that fact.
It's entirely confusing because I still am getting asked out by different men daily. Yesterday, there were the stalker flowers and facebook request that I mentioned in my previous post and today at work as I was heading out from the public service area up to my desk, a guy that I walked by came and stopped me and told me that I was beautiful and asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him that I am married and he said, "Your husband is a very, very lucky man." I thanked him and went on my way, but these are the things that are happening constantly now.
For so long, I felt unattractive and unwanted and maybe that's the vibe I put out. Now, that I am out from under the fog of what was going on in my marriage, I may be reflecting better feelings and a better vibe, I don't know.
For a long time, I took responsibility for so, so much. I worked hard to fix things. I read books and watched DVDs and took courses. I dealt with his explosive anger and worked with him to get it under control. Then, I dealt with his coldness. I rolled with the punches and it was more than any one person should ever have to deal with. But I was 100% committed to my H and to living my life with him and to working to build a better M.
When he left, he literally wrote me an email telling me that if I could get my weight down, we would "see" about reconciling. It was incredibly selfish, incredibly loveless and it was at that moment that I began to detach. Now, I think we are both aware that we are apart because of his attitude and behavior, which have changed dramatically since he left, but I don't believe that he thinks those changes within himself are permanent.
Anyway, it's all very confusing. I could really use some encouragement or insight.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Well, I was hoping for some encouragement or advice, but perhaps my posts are too long-winded? I tend to go on and on.
I've been feeling pretty discouraged lately, but I'm trying to stay positive. H is still texting and we are supposed to go to church together this evening, but lately he's been a bit wishy-washy when it comes to spending time together. He told me in a text that he feels guilty when he's around me, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about that. I stay upbeat and light when we're together. I'm pretty frustrated and sad, but am "acting as if".
Putting myself first is my main focus this week. Pampering myself, exercising, reading and eating good, structured meals are my goals this week. I have a major event at work this week, so that will take up a good portion of my week.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
He sent me a text yesterday that said the following:
There are a lot of mean women getting gifts today. The last thing I want to see is you go empty-handed on Valentine's Day. So, even though we are not together anymore, I left something on your car for you.
On the one hand, I guess I should be grateful that he got me something, but all I could see was "even though we're not together anymore" playing on repeat in my head. It hurts almost more than him just leaving me alone. I understand that he's confused but I'm really tired of being hurt and crying my eyes out.
So, I'm thinking about committing to LRT 100%. Either that or run away to the moon.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
MrBond - He got me roses, a card and some rose-scented bath salts (I love taking baths).
Just when I think I have everything figured out, this guy throws me a curve ball. He sent me another email and this time he said explained why he's been distant lately. He read my rant journal!
I have a rant journal where I write every crazy, vitriolic thing that I can't say. I've had one for years, and I've been using it like crazy since this separation. I normally keep it locked in my dresser but since he moved out, it's been on my night stand. He came over one day to feed the cat for me and sat down and read my rant journal.
Le sigh.
If it's not one thing, it's another. But at least I know why he's been acting so odd lately. The stuff I write in there is not meant for human eyes.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
