The unexamined life is not worth living

[Busting Mode]

Denver,

Just wanted to acknowledge you for all the positive steps that you have taken. Your wife is undoubtedly seeing a better man than the one she left, and that man is YOU!

There is no competition to the depth of emotional intimacy and connection that she sees is becoming possible with you. OM was just a stepping for her to find her way back to you.

OM was just the hired help.

She's come this far, my view is to continue being patient and let her complete these last few steps without pressure.

[Truegritter]

Vets correct me if I am totally missing the mark here but is this not cake eating?

IMO No.

This is the wrong way to look at this right now.

It would be cake eating if she is living with you telling you she wants your M but still seeing OM.

She has left. She has moved on.

Your courage and your dedication to your M and the growth you have achieved has brought her back in to a degree.

Remember the squirrel.

She is tentively taking the nut from your hand.

She still doesn't trust you yet and she may run away.

You must try to see it from her perspective. OM is calming her fear and filling her needs.

Both things that you help create.

There is a fine line between her pursuing her own happiness and leaving because of your unhappiness.

Your unhappiness fed your failures and the demise of your M.

Right now you are not competing with other man as much as you are competing with this in her mind.

Denver at no other point in your journey is it more important than right now to be the man you desire to be.

This is not easy as you already know.

It is not pride you are swallowing, it is history.

She needs to see right now a man that has the courage to do that.

ACTIONS not words.

I am telling you Denver you have a great opportunity here and when you look at the man in the mirror

The man you have become and are still becoming. And let that guy make choices and live his life...

There is no way to fail here.

I am proud to know you and be witness to this endeavor you have decided to mount.

Now do it.

[lostinscared]

Listen to me, Denver. Trust your instincts here. If you think she's moving towards reconciliation, you are probably right. I thought the same thing in my sitch, was talked out of it and suddenly was blindsided about H wanting to come home. Now, I'm scrambling to make a plan.

You need to work on how you see this reconciliation going. What tools will you both use? What emotions do you still have to deal with? How do you intereact better? All those things...

I'm not at all worried about the OM. I agree with you, the shine has worn off. You don't have time to worry about it either. It's time to make a plan. Then post it for me so I can steal some ideas

I am so freaking proud of you, Denver!!! You are doing great. DO NOT let your ego get away from you, though. You know a lot more than she does about fixing marriages because of what you have learned here. But you do not know a lot more about her feelings than she does. Understand?

I'm praying for you.

LIS

[Mach1]

Denver....

Wow buddy...

You are focusing way too much on the OM right now...

And right now. you are more of an obstacle to yourself then he is...


She is watching right now, to see a new you.

Right now your actions should be speaking louder than anything you say.

By obsessing on the OM, you are giving him all of your power in what you can or can't do.

When you become the man you envision, he will fall away...



Question ?

Are you more afraid of him ?

Or of reconciliation , then slipping back into familiar patterns of behavior ?




I'm just not convinced you are sure of yourself..

There was an excellent discussion on Sparks14's thread last week about who is more wrong in what has happened in the past...That was why I asked you to read it when we talked...

I agree with Grit here...you are in a great position to find out who you are right now...

As long as you stop looking to her for the answers...

Get back to basics...she fell for him before...

[Drew]

Denver,

I think you've been given an opportunity most other on this board would give anything to have.

What you do with it is up to you.

[figgeroni]

denver...
I do NOT think she is cake eating at all

truegritter is right...
she would be cake eating if she hadn't already moved on
but she did

you need to stop focusing on the symptom (OM) and start focusing more on the problem (what brought you to a point where an OM was even an option)

do you want to focus on the headache and take lots of tylenol etc
or
do you want to focus ont he brain tumor that is causing the headaches

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Lotus, Fig's and Grit's advice competeing with the OM are right on target.

That's how it should be.

in the Shite however with muck on your boots and your bayonette set?

OM shows her attention, or has. Does that mean you don't if your not competing? pffftp, please. Of course you do.

Some things are going to end up as a competition in your head. You're not going to help it, despite any one here telling you not too.

In a sprint, you got burned, you're still in the starting blocks tying your shoes with a baffled look on your face.

But this? This is a marathon, and you have alot of advantages.

Food for thought, and from experience, don't trying kissing her differently, it bugged the shi...heck out of her. Said I was doing it weird. That's how thinking of this as a competion HURTS you.

In your mind, your competing with him. So you are.

You should be competing with as Fig, Grit and Locus hae said, your old self, or her memory of you.

That guy? You should be able to smoke...easily.

Until you guys decide what your doing, its a moot point right?
(cue up This is War)
Right?

Cause...I might have read it wrong, but I thought she left the ball in your court about reconcilling, I thought you agreed to it based upon what you said...

I might have read that wrong, but if I didn't whats all this might pussyfooting around crapp?

: )

Advice:
Do not, do not attack the OM verbally to her. Or physically if you are really stupidly inclinded. She'll defend, more than likely, and you'll end up getting p/o'ed about it. Play chess? Thats 2 moves ahead thinking. The vets will tell you its a bad call, bad choice, bad outcome.

One of my favorite memories, is when my wife was busting on her former OM. I smiling right now thinking about it, I didn't even join.

Straight up competition?
You come off better than the OM by being better than the guy you used to be.

Cake eating...

Is she getting something she wants from both of you, while keeping one or both of you in the dark? Something that most would consider morally...wrong?

It's like "doormat" everyone has their own definition.

Your concern about her not wanting to hurt him.

That's the empathy you need Denver. That's good.

[Denver_2010]

my view is to continue being patient and let her complete these last few steps without pressure.

Thanks Busting! I think that this is absolutely the right advice.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

You are focusing way too much on the OM right now...

And right now. you are more of an obstacle to yourself then he is...

She is watching right now, to see a new you.

Right now your actions should be speaking louder than anything you say.

By obsessing on the OM, you are giving him all of your power in what you can or can't do.

When you become the man you envision, he will fall away...

Question ?

Are you more afraid of him ?

Or of reconciliation , then slipping back into familiar patterns of behavior ?

I'm just not convinced you are sure of yourself..

There was an excellent discussion on Sparks14's thread last week about who is more wrong in what has happened in the past...That was why I asked you to read it when we talked...

Thanks Mach. I'm not sure that I'm all that focused on OM right now. I'm more focused on focusing on staying true to the work that I've done here.

I may vent about OM here, but I honestly think that my W is just looking for a way out of that mess.

Am I more afraid of him, or of slipping back into familiar patterns of my own behavior?

That a simple answer Mach! I'm way more afraid of slipping back into old patterns of behavior. That is my greatest fear by far.

OM? Not afraid of him in any way, sort or manner. Afraid that W will yet choose to pursue R with him over reconciliation? Yes. Somewhat bc OM's final chapter hasn't quite been written.

But any thoughts that I have had re W and OM has decreased quite a bit over the past couple of days. I'm not saying that I'm over what I found out on Thursday night. But I am beginning to accept it... and everything that led to it.

P.S. Just didn't have time to catch up on Sparks thread... Sorry man!

[Denver_2010]

denver...
I do NOT think she is cake eating at all

truegritter is right...
she would be cake eating if she hadn't already moved on
but she did

you need to stop focusing on the symptom (OM) and start focusing more on the problem (what brought you to a point where an OM was even an option)

do you want to focus on the headache and take lots of tylenol etc
or
do you want to focus ont he brain tumor that is causing the headaches

Yes, Fig. After thinking about it, I think that you, Gritter, and Jack are all correct. W is not really cake eating at this point. I think that she is just trying to figure her life out at this point.

I'm wondering why everyone thinks that I have been focusing on OM so much?? Maybe I need to be reminded of something that I've said in one of my posts.

Have I been focusing on the fact that my W was 'dating' while we've been separated? Yes... bc that was a shock to my system (since I was in extreme denial)... But on OM himself? Honestly no. I am confident that W would be making a huge mistake if she were to choose to pursue R with him over trying to reconcile our M.