question for husbands who have had affairs

[abbey1989]

Hi,

I believe my H of 22 years is having an affair. I think it has been going on for two or so years. He has been very discreet and still lives here at home, shares our bed, makes love with me and is very involved with our teenage children.

Did I mention that we own our own busines and that I run the office?

H is 52 and I am 46.

I know every situtation is different. Two years ago he expressed that his issue with me was that I never initiated sex. So I took that to heart and have since initiated a few times per week. He is a nice person, but very to himself and quiet. I am finding that after throwing myself out there, offering to ML, but knowing he has someone else too, is just killing my self esteem. I am the kind of person who doesn't make waves. This OW does not have a family, she is highly educated, very fit, outdoorsy, (not that cute though - ha ha) and a little younger.

So today is Valentine's Day. I started his morning with a little "initiation". We had fun, but he hasn't called all day. I'm sure he's finding time for OW today.


Which brings me to my questions:
Why would my H stay with me if he is involved with someone else? Do you think after two years he is planning to split with me soon? My son is in college and my daughter will be leaving for college in the fall. When a W is too nice, too forgiving, too sweet is that a turn-off? Does that just say to him....Sure H, go out and have the time of your life with OW? Should I continue to play the "naughty wife" in bed which he loves, when it makes me feel like a tramp? Why is he looking outside of "us" for someone t meet his needs?

[Busting Mode]

Just one man's point of view. Don't take this as gospel:

Q: Why would my H stay with me if he is involved with someone else.
A: Because you are letting him.

Q: Do you think after 2 years he is planning to split with me soon?
A: Time is not a factor.

Q: When a W is too nice, etc is it a turn-off?
A: Define "too nice." Spineless woman are very unattractive and draw only the weakest of men towards them. Unconditional love does not mean throwing out your standards.

Q: Should I continue to play the "naughty wife" which he loves, when it makes me feel like a tramp?
A: It is more of a tramp who has so little respect for herself that she continues sleeping with a husband who remains unfaithful, than it does to make each other happy in the bedroom.

Q: Why is he looking outside of us for someone to meet his needs?
A: Until our needs are being met they will continue driving our behavior. Right now your husband has needs that are not being met, and there is a very good chance he doesn't even know what they are...just as you are unaware of the needs that are driving you to drop your standards.

Welcome to the boards. You've got a lot of work ahead. There are people here who can help.

All is not lost. Right now you are exactly where you need to be to get the help that you require. Keep reading, keep on gathering different points of view, buy Michelle's books if you haven't got them, hire a coach Divorce Busting coach if you can afford it.

Congratulations on starting to demonstrate the true love and respect for yourself that will help you find your way.

[abbey1989]

Thanks for the brutally honest feedback.

[Firstlove]

Abbey

I agree with BM 100%, you need to stand up girl - get a backbone and say that this will not stand and you will have nothing to do with his behavior.

Let me ask a question, does he know that you know that he has an OW ? Have you ever talked about the OW, does he admit it and just continues.

A little confused here, if you could shed some more light on that it would be helpful for us, who care, to give you our thoughts and encouragement.

I am the husband here, married for 33 years. So if nothing else I can offer some perspective from the H point of view. Also, the sex thing has always been an issue for us, so I have some thoughts on that topic too if you like

Mr. FL

[alamo76]

Abbey, I agree with BM. My marriage is broken, but not because I had an affair, but something that also deeply attacks a woman's self-worth, pride and ability to trust -- I had a porn addiction that spanned on and off for 6 years. My wife was living a life not very different from yours. I took advantage of the fact that she was indeed still with me, that she would hold up to her vows, while I stubbornly kept lying to her and returning each time to porn. I still took care of things at home, worked, loved spending time with my son, made love, date... But my mind and heart weren't COMPLETELY there, you know what I mean? Addictions, affairs or other vices do distract one away from commitment, improvement and strengthening oneself, his/her family, and his/her religious relationship.

Do what you think is right to keep your standards or boundaries, Abbey. BM wrote about unconditional love - if you need to take drastic measures to regain your standards, do so. One thing I might add though: if you feel your husband and marriage is important to you, don't forget to come back after you've recovered your former self before all the crap happened. What I mean is, well, take my wife for instance. She practiced unconditional love for me, but when she decided she needed to regain her standards back and left, she has enjoyed that freedom so much, she hasn't turned back. The irony is when she told me she wanted a separation, only then did I truly made changes and improved my life. In my situation, she keeps telling me it's too little too late. I pray and hope every day that we can start fresh.

Welcome to the forum and keep us posted!

[abbey1989]

Hi FirstLove,

Two years ago, to this day exactly, I confronted H with a card I found. The card was blank, but on the envelope was the initial "J". OW's first initial. All of the other signs were there though. He denied anything was going on. I said that I was really missing an emotional connection to him, and he said that he agreed. He told me that it hurts him that I didn't initiate sex more. His other issue was that I didn't "trust" him. We talked about separating/divorce but not until after kids were out of school for the year. Didn't want to disrupt their lives any more than necessary. We went about our regular lives for the next 6 months, and then he decided to take a trip "alone" to go see a race in No. California. I was distraught. Was just getting ready to take first son to college and I thought back to our previous conversation and I thought...boom...this is it! He's leaving. When he came back, we talked and I didn't accuse him of having affair again, but I did bring up the fact that he talked about leaving during the summer, and now summer was over, and was he planning to leave? He was bummed that I even brought it up, and said no he wasn't going anywhere. I told him I loved him and our R and family mean more to me than anything in the world. He was kind and said we'll work it out. Last week, my husband called me from a number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone and said hello, and he said, "Hi?" he sounded very surprised that I was the one who answered. He actually hung up. I called back a few times and no answer on that number. Then he called me back on his "real" cell phone and made up an excuse for why he was calling from another number. But the sad part is that excuse didn't match the voicemail that he actually left on my phone that day. He left a message that went like this: "Hey Babe, I'm here at (blank) college waiting in the parking lot near the cafeteria". OW works at this college. He doesn't know I know this, but of course I googled her and found out. I called him and told him about the strange voicemail that was left on my phone. He said he didn't know what that was about. Seriously?!! Then he said he had met an architect there that day to look at a building. And I'm thinking yeah...you call the architect Babe?

So...that day....all of the emotions of 2 years ago came rushing back. I can't eat, I barely sleep, and can't stop thinking about them together. That afternoon, he called me repeatedly at work and I didn't take his calls. He knew I was upset. I went for a long walk on the beach and then came home and worked in our office. Then took a shower and just cried and cried. He could tell I was upset. I was afraid to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. He has been SO considerate and kind since then. Lots of hugs, lots of holding, etc...

So I guess to answer your question, H has never admitted to an affair. Maybe that's what makes it all the more painful. I have fantasies about catching them out and about together. Then I think...well maybe they aren't having an A. I don't know! Maybe I'm just crazy.

Thanks for listening..........




He has never admitted and when I have asked or even questioned where he is going he gets very irritated so I have not brought it up.



I came to this website often then (Sandi2 was the best) during that time. I decided to work on me. I got really physically fit, hiked with a group of friends every weekend, took up photography, went back to college and even found a new job outside of our family business. All in the last 2 years.

I found doing these things DID and HAVE really helped my self esteem. I actually started thinking that well maybe....H actually was going on those bike rides alone, hikes alone, etc...

[sandycay]

Abbey,

I don't comment often but I must say that the thought of allowing someone to expose me to STD's is scary. You know nothing of the other woman and where else she has been. At the end of the day, your health is more important.

I believe in DB'ing but not at the expense of this issue. I say this because my EXH Ow gave him H and he unknowingly exposed me. ( I am two years free of anything else he exposed me to and I never contracted H either) Even after we reconciled the first time and I knew he had it but he was on medication.... I found the prescription bottle and found out he wasn't taking the medication after awhile.

Please do not put yourself at risk.

[Firstlove]

Abbey

I agree with Sand 10,000% - I hate to break it to you - but your H IS for sure having an affair and he IS putting you at STD risk and that is a present that will not go away.

I pray that you will get the strength to confront him TODAY -without delay - stop sleeping with him and get a medical evaluation for both him and you.

Time to stop the denial - it will only get worse. This is an extremely difficult thing for you to confront, but putting it under a rug and pretending this is not happening is going to bring you a world of hurt.

Time to be brave and strong

FL

[abbey1989]

Thank you for your advice. I just had a physical and thankfully no STDs.

What makes me crazy is that yesterday he gave me the most beautiful card with a sincere note inside. He even gave me a gift. He told me he loves me. Three times in a week now. I must sound completely pathetic. I keep thinking that he wouldn't act this way toward me if things hadn't changed. I don't know. It's only been a week since the phone call bomb.

So...will move forward the best I know how. Thanks for the words all....

[Firstlove]

Abbey

I have ONE word for you and your relationship with your H

HONESTY

make it happen

FL