The unexamined life is not worth living

[Denver_2010]

W then said that she doesn't know how to move forward (or something along these lines). She asked me how I felt about OM still being in her life as a friend while things are still in limbo with us. She explained that she doesn't want to just 'shoo' him off while we decide whether or not we are really working on M. She explained that OM is good to her and that she would still want to give him a chance if we decided not to work on things. She reiterated that once we decide to really work on things that there will be NO R bw she and OM.

How do you feel about this? Vets correct me if I am totally missing the mark here but is this not cake eating? Now I understand Denver you are in a very sticky sitch here because you have very little leverage. I also understand that the R talk is a total of 4 days old with another to follow. No firm commitments have been made. So.....How do you feel about this? Ultimately it is up to you, what are the boundaries you feel comfortable with? Her hesitation I understand this must be very scary for her but.................

I agree. It is cake eating. But the other two things that you said are also true. 1) I have very little leverage as things stand right now... and 2) Her hesitation is only bc she is scared. For RIGHT NOW, I am not going to attempt any boundaries. I feel comfortable in what she has told me that she is not presently 'dating' or 'sleeping with' OM. I believe her. I think that my best bet is to be the new Denver and continue being patient and understanding with her. I know that she is hurting. I can sense it in her voice.

I honestly believe that her biggest hurt right now is that she hates that she will have to "hurt" OM in the process. She has said repeatedly that she is concerned about that, feels badly about it, feels that it was selfish to bring him into it etc. Just today, she said that it is always hard to hurt someone's feelings when she was talking about having a talk with OM about us moving forward and working on M.

Now, personally, I don't give a rat's a$s about the feelings of OM. I'd offer to go tell him myself if I thought my W would agree to it!! But this is what I think that my W is really struggling with right now.

W agreed and said that she hates having her life so messed up. That she is not a patient person and that she just wants to know what direction that she is going.

My W is the same way. She doesn't like to wait but this is where you come in. You need to be patient for the both of you at this point. I think it will take some time before she fully commits to anything for the meantime you will do all the work.

Agreed. But I think that things are going to move rather quickly over the next week or two. Again, I know my W. I have been right on almost every gut feeling that I have had... even when I've tried talking myself out of the BAD gut feelings bc I was in denial.

My gut feeling here is that she has already decided that she wants to work on M. I base this on not only her words, but her tone of voice. Tone of voice is very difficult to convey when posting here. It was fairly clear to me though. One thing that didn't come out very well in my original update post about today is that she was almost pressuring me to give her an answer about whether or not I still wanted to work on M.

I think that she's just trying to figure out how to get out of mess with OM. With that being said, I also recognize that there is still doubt and fear about giving M with me another chance. And she could still change her mind...

OM is really good to me"

"That he has treated her like she wanted me to treat her all our years together"

This is an illusion and you know it. I think that after the shine wears off she will be left with reality. Will you still be there? What is your goal? What are you willing to do?

Again 2Step... I really think that the shine has already worn off. At dinner the other night, she flat out told me, "I'm not in love with OM" and that "he's a geek and annoys the f out of me bc he wants to be around TOO much". She kind of laughed when she said the latter of those two statements, but I also think that it is telling.

This is hell. I hate feeling that I am competing for OM with my own W. I guess that's the reality of the sitch now though.

I will not comment on this because I will be a hypocrite if I do. I am dying to hear what Gritter, J3B and the others have to say about it.

I have no doubt who is the better man here the question is would I give that man advice that I would not take myself.

The road is long the journey hard only you know if it is worth it. Is your W worth it to you? If your M worth it you? What are you willing to do to achieve success?

Yes to your questions. As hard as some of this stuff is going to be to overcome... yes. The way that I am starting to look at it is this... If I have 30-40 years of being happily M'd to my W after all of this, it will be WELL worth it. And this stuff will fade with time.

I'd like to know what the advice you would give that you think would make you a hypocrite.

BITS
Denver