Shine on you crazy diamond...

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
I am here, but had a horribly busy day and couldn't get to the computer. Had to spend much of the day on work, getting ready for my conference and spending time with my mom. Had dinner with her. She was in pretty good spirits for a woman that is spending her 40th wedding anniversary alone. I guess she is getting used to it now. My dad has been gone for 11 years. I love her so much. She has done the most amazing things for me since my W left. I always knew shew as a good mother, but she deserves a medal for her performance lately.

You know, I want to vent for just a second. You see, this is the crap that I would like to shove in my W's face right now. If I had a wish today it would have been to make my f'ing W sit there at that table with my mother. I just want to say to her tonight, "How would you like to be her, sweetheart???? Yes, I was a pain in the *ss to live with at times, but I never hit you, never cheated on you and never left you when times got bad. Each day is precious, very, very precious. And while you are out 'finding yourself' and punishing me for my transgressions, we are all getting one step closer to the grave. Look at her. Look at her sitting there for the 11th year in a row having to face sleeping alone on her anniversary. Not because she chooses to live in a crappy apartment across town BUT BECAUSE HE IS DEAD! You really need to wake the f*ck up!" But, this would mean nothing to my W because of two very important things: 1) She is 36 years old and has NEVER buried anyone in her family that she was close to. She is absolutely CLUELESS about death. 2) She probably wouldn't give a sh*t anyway, because facing the harsh reality of life is not in her "master WAS plan." Yes, I know these thoughts are not helpful. It was just the thoughts that were going through my head tonight as I watched my mother eat dinner. My bad...

I have to leave on a 7:30 a.m. flight to a conference out of state. I will be back on Friday afternoon. During that time, I will not have my personal laptop and I am banned from visiting social networking sites such as this one on my work laptop. So, FOBD will have to sign off until Friday afternoon when I get back from the airport. Geez, I hate to think how behind I am going to be, but I don't have a choice.

I am actually looking forward to this conference. Free food, hours and hours around other people so no "lonely time," and I can get the heck out of my house for a couple of days. Maybe the change in scenery will do me some good. Nothing worth a sh*t is going on here in my town or in my M, so I guess getting away will be good.

Funny story to end the evening. Saturday while my W was going on and on about her new life in front of my family, she did trip up and confess a little bit of truth. She told my mother that new new apartment is in an old house which was built on pillars above ground instead of on a slab. So, when the nighttime temps around here dipped into the 20's the place turned into an icebox. She had to buy electric blankets for every room. And, if there is one thing my W hates with a passion it is being cold. She wears socks in the house in the dead of summer because she gets cold. Meanwhile, it was a balmy 70 degrees in my house. I didn't even need a blanket. Enjoy your new place, my love. I guess it is a good thing that we have great insurance because a bout of pneumonia can be expensive. Maybe all is not well in "WAS land..."

Happy V-Day everyone!

BITS never walk alone!!!!

FOBD, out until Friday.

[2stepboogie]

I was going to bed because it is late and was not going to post again but had to comment on that email. IronMan that warms the soul. Thank you for sharing it with us.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Ironman,
Thanks for sharing that with us. I think it is very special that your father is there for you like that. I can't tell you how much I wish my father were here right now to help me. He always had the best advice. On the other hand, I am glad that he is not here. I would hate for him to see what a mess I have made of my marriage. He loved my W from the first day I brought her around the family. On the day he died, was pretty heavily medicated for pain and could not really string together a solid thought or speak very well. But as we were trying to get him settled in his bed at the hospital, my W walked in. Out of the blue, he perked up, smiled and told her "Hey, sweetheart." We all paused for a minute because he seemed to be out of it for most of that morning. Yet, all of a sudden he recognized her and spoke aloud. Many others had come through the room to say their goodbye's and he never even seemed to know they were there. Later that day, he passed quietly in his sleep from a long bout with cancer. My W still cries today when we talk about that moment. It really was the last logical words he spoke on that day before he died. Everything else was just a jumble of words coming from the mind of man that was under "hospice" level pain medication.

I don't think he would approve of the job I have done with my marriage or the way I have treated her. Man, I have some serious work to do...

I want to finish with this:

Dad, mom is doing well. She loves you with all her heart and we did everything we could today to make her feel loved. I will not let her be alone and scared. You have my word on that as your son. I love you, dad. Wherever you are tonight, please hear my call. Please forgive me for what I have done. Please forgive me for not loving my W the way you taught me a man should. I feel like I have failed you. I am not the man I thought I was and I might spend the rest of my life paying for it. If you can help me with this, I would greatly appreciate it. Please do me one last favor if you can. Please, please bring her home. Your son needs you, he needs you really badly...

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

FOBD... Ironman... you guys just made me get all choked up.

Thanks for sharing that email Ironman. It is great.

FOBD - I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time right now. And I'm sorry that you dad is not here to help you through it. Life simply isn't fair sometimes. I feel for you man. But remember, you are great guy and you will be happy again!! I have no doubt about that.

BITS
Denver

[lostinscared]

Oh goodness, I just had to close my door. That is the most I've cried in months.

Listen to me, FOBD, your father is very proud of you. He is with you and I believe that with every single fiber of my being. What you are going through right now is not for the weak, that's for sure. I'm convinced that is why so many marriages fail. There are too few people willing to walk the line as you have chosen to do. Plenty of people might be willing to swim across the ocean to save their marriages. Swim across the ocean in shark-infested waters??? Well, most people wouldn't.

You might have been right about why your W was being nice. But, it gave you plenty of an opportunity to show off the man you are becoming to her. She is watching your every single move. She is going to remember that on the lonely nights. There was a lot there that you have to be proud of. And, frankly, after your buddy's brother's death at the same time, no one could have blamed you if you completely lost it. But you didn't. She saw that too. And there are things that she doesn't see that still affect who you are becoming. I mean you come here night after night to take care of a bunch of people who you don't even know. Not only that, but you became their captain. You rallied the troops and gave people a sense of purpose, a sense of being, a sense of belonging. People are proud to call themselves BITS and feel accepted during a time when they are feeling such complete rejection. Your father is proud, my sweet friend, very proud.

I know that it feels like they are not paying attention and that they don't care. But that simply isn't true. You have a wedding to get ready for, sweetheart, and you need to get your head together. You need to get more positive about the things that you have done. You need to make a plan for the weekends. You need to put that house back together so you don't feel so empty. And you need to be ready if she decides this apartment isn't all that it was cracked up to be. You need to run your race.

Oh and you need to get your foot out of my a$$... I saw your post on my thread and will reply shortly but point taken.

I'm praying for you, FOBD.

LIS

[zengypsy]

I don't think he would approve of the job I have done with my marriage or the way I have treated her. Man, I have some serious work to do...

I want to finish with this:

Dad, mom is doing well. She loves you with all her heart and we did everything we could today to make her feel loved. I will not let her be alone and scared. You have my word on that as your son. I love you, dad. Wherever you are tonight, please hear my call. Please forgive me for what I have done. Please forgive me for not loving my W the way you taught me a man should. I feel like I have failed you. I am not the man I thought I was and I might spend the rest of my life paying for it. If you can help me with this, I would greatly appreciate it. Please do me one last favor if you can. Please, please bring her home. Your son needs you, he needs you really badly...

FOBD

FOBD:

OMG....I am sitting in my office in tears. I am so incredibly moved by your words. It's a good scary because your feelings are pretty much spot on with what I said to my mom yesterday. I feel like I failed her and that she'd be disappointed in me for the way I treated my H.

I know this may gross some of the BITS out, but my mom was cremated and I have her urn at my house by a window overlooking my backyard and the river which was her fave spot. It just seemed the "proper" way for me honor her wishes. I live in my childhood home.

You inspire me FOBD -

[lostinscared]

FOBD,

Where are you??? Did you have another business trip or have you gone dark on us? I'm worried about you... Let us know how you are doing.

I'm praying for you!

LIS

[grr]

fobd
how amazing that you get to appreciate your mom while she is still here
how can she be lonely when she looks at you and sees your wonderful dad
because she does
and your dad knows
he is grateful that you are with her

i hope your trip was fun...it must have been nice to get away

hey zen, i think that's great that you have your mom there with you
and i hope being in your childhood home, where you have so many wonderful memories brings you comfort

[2stepboogie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kpy7seH5Hc8

[lostinscared]

2Step, you are just hysterical...