Dealing with Aftershocks

[christianhusband]

I realize that I have been away for a while. It was advised to me that my original threat had gotten too long and to start another one.

I’ll try and get you caught up and let you all know what I am dealing with now in this stage of my sitch.

What prompted me to write today was events from last night. After checking my voice mail and listening to 18 messages from debt collectors (bk in the proceeding, but it’s not final yet), I was online checking my Facebook. FB in all of its wisdom, prompts you with “People you may know” … and there it was, suggesting my X. Seeing her picture there, smiling with her maiden name, no longer mine, threw me for a loop. Her work email still contains her married name, but seeing her new life, happy and living it up under her old name, hit me hard. This on top of the continued credit calls.

The D was finalized on Sept 29. I really have not spoken a word to her since the beginning of last summer. I handed her the signed “default agreement” papers through the window of my truck and drove off without even looking at her.
The decree divided our outrageous debt in half. Given my financial situation (I am starting over), I knew that I would have to file BK. I had consulted my BK attorney as the D proceedings were ongoing, and he advised to wait until the D was final and we would proceed with filing. I, of course, did not communicate this with her. She went through the roof when she found out I was not going to be making payments on the cards and that I was going to be contacting our creditors and informing them of my intentions to file Ch 7 BK. She consulted a family attorney and was told that debt in a D decree is non-dischargeable in BK. She then proceeded to let me know that she was going to sue me in family court to get a judge to compel me to pay. I had already been advised by my BK attorney as to how we can ensure that the BK courts trump the family court. She set a deadline for me to make a payment on one of the cards ready to go into collections, and if I did not make the payment, she was going to proceed with the law suit and take me back into court to get full custody of the kids.

The deadline came and went and she did nothing other than borrow money from a family friend to settle the card. She is using the $300 month payment that she is paying to the family friend as reason for having to move and downsize to a different place—placing the blame on me. She has told me that I am a failure in providing for my family and that my “selfishness” has ruined her financially and her career. (Funny thing, though, at one point she was planning on filing BK but learned that she only qualifies for Ch 13. Because I can qualify for full protection under 7 and she cannot, this angers her more).

So here I am. Our only communication is through text and email. I arrange pickups and drop offs from school so that I do not have to see her; sports events we are on separate sides of the field or court. I love coaching and spending time with my kids at sports, but regret every game when I will have to see her or be around her. It’s not anger or non-forgiveness on my part. It’s simple hurt and helplessness. If I was providing and able to pay my bills, maybe our relationship would be different; maybe she woldn’t have so much disrespect for me. I have always provided and have taken care of my family. Thought the bk proceedings, I had to go back to previous tax returns and was struck by the income that I used to produce … and the life-style that I provided for my family. Now I am bk and in a one-bedroom apartment where my kids sleep on day-beds and trundles in the dining room. Funny how she left within about a year after my business collapsed.

I’m not saying this out of feeling sorry for myself. Just putting it out there to share. I know God is a God of restoration. I still love her and read about reconciliation after D but see no way it can happen … not with the hurt that keeps me from even being her friend right now and the huge financial mountain that I need to climb. I may be able to start over financially, but she is stuck with the marital debt if she cannot BK. I don’t see her ever forgiving me for that—even though the reason for the financial situation is from breaking up the home in a D that I fought with all my might to prevent. It’s strange as to how normal this all seems to her. Families break up, couples take care of the divided debt, the kids are happy with two homes, and life goes on. Consequences are the other person’s fault for not following suit with their plan.
Anyway, that’s where we are today. Sorry to vent so much, and I apologize if I sound like I am rambling. It’s been a while since I’ve been here, and lot has transpired. I have no other relationships going on right now. A few dates here and there, but no interest in anything but developing new friends for now.

Thank you for listening everyone.

CH.

[forward]

Remember that FB is sort of the glittery picture of life and is not real. It's your PR sort of place.

So many times people come on here and they take huge financial hits and it is a hard time. This is especially true during this difficult recession. I am sorry you are dealing with this. But I do believe that people get back on their feet--good times do not last forever, but neither do bad ones.

[christianhusband]

An update. This morning I received another threaten with court text. Apparently, she wants to claim both of our children for her 2010 taxes. The decree specifies which parent gets to claim which child. She is stating that I am behind in my child support and that the decree specifies that if there is a deficiency in child support, no children can be claimed. However, the only reason I would be behind is she had made the child support obligations effective from the date of separation (Feb 2010) and not the date of finalization (Sept 29). This put me in arrears 8 months, and I have been making double (sometimes triple) payments since to catch up.

I had to inform her today that I already filed and claimed my child as per the decree.

She also informed me that her parents are likely to take me to court as well. The land investment that we are upside down on is one that we'd entered into with her step father. I don't think she really understands that I will be protected from this under my BK.

[christianhusband]

Not sure if it's the Valentine holiday that has gotten me so deeply down or the fact that it was 1 week after Valentine's last year that she announced, via text, that she'd "made some decisions". February 5 last year, she got her own place and move me out of the house ... a "separation" with the idea that we'd try dating each other again and see if some space would help restore our marriage. Three weeks later, she'd decided to D and on March 5 filed.

I thought I was finding strength in moving on. Even started dating a bit. But right now, I feel like I am barely going to make it.

[angel61]

Hang in there. Saying a prayer for you right now.

[christianhusband]

Thank you! You run across things unexpectedly ... going through my son's back pack getting it ready for school tomorrow and found permission slip that she'd signed for him ... seeing her use her maiden name really hurts. Some women keep their married name for the sake of the kids. She couldn't wait to get rid of mine.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Dear christianhusband
I'm going to put a different perspective on this for you that perhaps will ease the hurt in your heart.
I am a woman that never took my husband's name.
Why?
I was born with my name. I wore it for all my life. It was part of my identity - where I came from, who I was.
To change it to the name of the man I loved was ok in theory, BUT it erased my history and my identity too...instead I was then wife of (and just 80 or so years ago I would have also been property of) _______________ .

Perhaps she's not trying to get rid of your name, just reclaiming her history and previous identity.
HTH.
(((Christianhusband)))

[christianhusband]

Maybe that's what hurts so much ... the fact that she's got to go re-claim her "old" identity. Maybe it's just an MLC thing that she needs to go through. I still try and figure out what I did that built up so much "resentment" in me. Or maybe she'd just decided that she'd gotten what she wanted from me ... children ... and when the financial turmoil of a business hit by tough economic times put me in a position where I was no longer providing the large income and home, she decided she'd gotten all she was going to get out of a 15 year marriage.

[Lorie1964]

I still try and figure out what I did that built up so much "resentment" in me.

For the first couple of months I wondered this too, then I realized, it was their MLC mind helping them to justify their actions. Really, it's not you, it's her!! Really!

Blessings!

[tadpole1025]

I've been wondering that too. She acts like she hates me.