I know, Lorie. Yesterday H and I had a long convo. Long story short, I turned a corner recently and realized that even if I keep on saying I am letting go, I am actually not, with my conditions to H (that if we D'ed, I will relocate with our D.
Yesterday I told him that I loved him so much that I could no longer bear to see him suffering, and that I wanted to let him go. The only thing holding me back is my mothers heart, as I could not bear to see D12 hurt as well.
I credit my H with his understanding in that sense. He and I decided in the end, without me pressuring him, that we would wait 2 more years. We also started discussing possibilities, options once the two years are up - which I am sure made him feel that I have accepted the situation. I still told him though that hope cannot be taken away from me, and that I still do not want the divorce, if he does, then its will only be his, I will remain faithful to the covenant I made.
He actually said that he only wanted to be free, did not necessarily want to get married. That he felt that he no longer loved me and could not remain within the marriage because of it. I did not try to convince him otherwise, although I do think that there is still some feeling there. It does not matter anyway because I want it to be a new R when it comes....
Incredibly, after he felt that I was heartfelt in my wanting him to be happy, the old H immediately started to show. He looked at me when I talked to him, started initiating conversations. We became more lighthearted, and he even admitted that he still felt a physical attraction to me. When we went to mass, he was very much present in spirit as we sat down together as a family.
The Gospel was about divorce and adultery. I could not look at him at the mass, and I felt him tense up a little, but I noticed that he prayed a lot after communion. The sermon was about choices, which we also had talked about earlier. I am amazed by how God reinforces the things we say. I know my H is still a God fearing person and this is God's way of talking to him. I keep on praying that God will open his heart to me again.
Keep on praying.....and Thank you for reminding us that Jesus is our Valentine....
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
