Better Days ARE Coming For All of Us...

[grr]

you are most likely closing up to protect yourself
you have been hurt
i totally understand this

it's also fear of the unknown
if you don't talk to him, he can't hurt you

i believe when you are ready,, you will be able to open up
small steps

[2stepboogie]

He still insists nothing is/was going on.

Have you considered the fact that he actually might be telling you the truth?

No OW and roommate moves out.

People might disagree with me on this but I see NOTHING wrong with this. I'll tell you why.....Your sitch is a little different in the sense that the WAS is not really a WAS, he is more of a PAS (push away spouse). You are guarded. Understood. You are not much of a talker with him righ now. Understood. I truly see him wanting to make an effort but in the process he is navigating a land mine field. You on the other hand are sitting there waiting for one of the mines to go off. What do they say........drop the rope.

But I think I am already screwing this up

The important thing is not that you are screwing things up but that you are recognizing it early. If you feel you are doing something wrong.....stop, evaluate, plan out, and proceed. It's kind of like stop, drop, and roll with a twist.

You guys talked about control back in my court.

I don't know if that really applies in your case. You do have control and you have excercised control. Putting control in your court would include something completely different than say Dixie.

He wants to talk more, but I'm still in shut down mode and I don't know how to break out of it

Can you listen more? Him talking does not really require you talking but it does require you listening. Now if you say he would like for you to talk more then that is different. I understand the being guarded thing. I am so guarded right now that if my W and I don't make it the next person is really going to have to earn it. Perhaps you can start slow. Chose one thing that has been bothering you or you feel is a problem in the M, something that has hurt you. Start with that and see how the interaction goes. If it is positive then proceed if it is not then stop and ask yourself why.

There are still a lot of things unsaid. So, these talks that you guys are having with your wives, well I feel like you're further along than I am because I can't have that heart to heart.

Some of the best conversations I have had with my W have been because my mouth was closed.

I come here and pour my heart out to all of you but then I get home and I close up like a clam.

The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure. The key to change... is to let go of fear.

It's like when I tell my soldiers during training. When the bullets are flying you need to get up and seek cover. Most will lie there in panic mode frozen still as the armored vehicle approaches. I yell at them and this is how the conversation goes

M "Get up you (censored) before that tank shoots your A$$!"

S "But they are shooting"

M "No Sh!T. That is why you need to move and get outta here"

S "But I am scared"

M "In a minute you are going to be scared and dead"

It's kind of funny but I hope you get my meaning. Fear paralyses us from making good decisions.

Awww... sweetie, it's just because I care about you. You bailed me out of a situation that I would have screwed up badly. I just might owe my marriage to you and I don't even know who you are!!! (Of course, that makes swinging 2x4's easier. You don't know where I live!!!)

You posted this on Hopes thread. You can smack me with a 2x4 anytime. I tend to self defeat when it comes to my sitch a lot. I will argue a point against myself just to get someone to argue back and prove me wrong. If they do then I say to myself "OK good. I was wrong. thank god" So keep those 2x4 coming.

[zengypsy]

Denver, I agree. I don't know why we can't call it "Brothers/Babes in the Sh*t." I will bet money that all of these wonderful ladies are "babes" in their own right. Unless we get some serious opposition, I vote that we modify our namesake to just that. All in favor? All opposed?

Lost, how are you doing? Nothing much out of you today. I hope that is because you are too busy spending time with your H and DBing like mad!

BITS never walk alone!

I like Babes in the Sh!t - then we can just keep it as BITS for everyone! Clever - Clever!

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

I agree with grr... baby steps LIS. Take it slow. Also, I like what 2Step suggested. Begin by listening.

What about this idea?... I'm wondering if the other BITS will scream "NOOooo!!" at it. LOL

- Ask your H out on a date!! Spend the evening having fun and putting R stuff on the back burner.

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

Denver I second that! Why not? He has shown interest, we know you have interest so why not? We have to remember that the blanket advice is good when we first come here and we dont know which way is up but as we progress so does our strategy.

[lostinscared]

Oooohh.. I like asking him on a date, Denver!!!

I wish I could just listen!!! If you knew me in real life, you'd know I am a listeing genius. Not a big talker. But he wants me to talk. What do I do??? I can't tell him everything I'm thinking and feeling right now. First, I'm still a bit angry, but I would never tell him that because it would not accomplish a thing and I still don't think I'm right about being angry. I just am. Second, I don't want to show all my cards. Third, I don't know sometimes I get frustrated. We've been over the same ground before and eventually I feel like we just need to move on and make a plan. I just don't feel the need to talk about how I feel about what happened. I will listen to him and validate him all day long but that's not what he wants.

2Step, I do not know 100% that he had an A. That is absolutely true. But I have enough evidence that something happened. This is why I think he wants me talking because he feels guilty and he wants me to punish him or something??? I just refuse to give him a list of everything that is wrong with him. For my part, I just need to focus on the future and how we interact.

Ugh, I know I need to progress but let's not forget 2Step that a few days ago I needed your advice to get through one conversation. How do things get so freaking weird and screwed up??? Thanks guys for your advice and for dealing with me. I'm just kind of down on myself right now. I need to do better. I really do.

LIS

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost,
I just got caught up on your posts and I still think you are doing fine. I do want to hit you with one 2x4 though. Don't "turn the tables" and become the non-functioning member of the R. My MC constantly pointed that out to my W and I during our counseling. One of us would finally get the courage up to try something different and the other partner would then take up the role of being the non-functioning member. Don't do that. If your H is looking to fix things, work with him, not against him. This spits in the face of the entire principle of DB'ing. If he is coming back around, don't turn him back toward the door.

Yes, take him out on a date and find a way to relax around him. Go do something that the two of you always loved to do together. Relieve some of the tension between you and see where that goes. It can't possibly hurt.

And stop feeling like you are falling behind. The next time you feel that way, just turn and look over your shoulder. You will see me sitting by the roadside miles and miles behind you. My W won't even stay in my presence for more than a few minutes now. I am sorry to disappoint the BITS, but I still think I was right. All the friendliness during the conversations about her getting furniture and money was a set up. As soon as she had what she needed the pleasantries and the phone calls just stopped. I got played and I have to admit it. Take stock in where you are and enjoy it. Don't kill it!! I love you sweetheart, but I would walk through a razor blade forest naked and covered in rubbing alcohol to get where you are right now...

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[MichelleLT]

LIS I wanted to answer your questions back on your thread instead of hijacking 2steps.

What are your conditions before he comes home? Counseling? Transparency? Dating for X months?

Moving from friendship back to romance is a tricky phase IMHO. If you haven't thought about what you need, definitely do so now. You probably won't be able to just list the requirements for him, but as things move along, definitely ask for things here and there. If there was an OW, that makes things a bit more touchy as you'll also have to deal with the withdrawal from the A and he'll be just as moody as if he was withdrawing from a drug.

[Denver_2010]

LIS I wanted to answer your questions back on your thread instead of hijacking 2steps.

What are your conditions before he comes home? Counseling? Transparency? Dating for X months?

Moving from friendship back to romance is a tricky phase IMHO. If you haven't thought about what you need, definitely do so now. You probably won't be able to just list the requirements for him, but as things move along, definitely ask for things here and there. If there was an OW, that makes things a bit more touchy as you'll also have to deal with the withdrawal from the A and he'll be just as moody as if he was withdrawing from a drug.

That was a depressing post for me bc it applies so much to my situation too. Not feeling too patient right now I guess.

BITS
Denver

[zengypsy]

Hey LIS - if you go out on that date with H, I guess you have a great new pair of shoes to wear!! ;-)