I have no interest in beating you further. I think that the others have made excellent points, but I am kind of hoping to walk through this with you.
First, forget about what your friends think because it truly is meaningless. Your friends don't have to live with your pain and they don't have to live with your decisions. If they did, I would be a lot more interested.
You are very much stuck on these vows, so let's talk about that. I know that you said that you were not religious, however, these vows are biblically based. So, let's get into this. The Bible charges the man and the woman with certain duties. The man is charged with loving your wife like Christ loved the Church. Did you love your wife like that? You've already said that you didn't. He is also charged with being the leader in his home. He is essentially to set the standard of behavior. The vows were already broken at that point. She wasn't loved and cherished. And, unfortunately, you already admit to the standard of behavior that was set. You expected her to take your role in the marriage and it doesn't work like that. People who used religious law to beat down others while not living up to the spirit of the law were called Pharisees. They could not understand Jesus's teachings because they were very much interested in the letter of the law but had no interest in the spirit of the law. Jesus was very much interested in the spirit of the law and not the letter of the law. The spirit meant everything. The letter meant nothing.
At this point in time, after much reflection, you are asking that the vows mean the same to her that they do to you. You are asking for a renewal of those vows in essence. How do you know that the renewal wouldn't mean just as much to her? We cannot use the vows as a reason for feeling that we are "right" when we broke those same vows. But we can ask that we "renew" those vows and do better.
With that said, you are dealing with some very real pain. The issue isn't the vows. I think if you look at it objectively, the vows were broken by both of you. The pain is the confirmation of an A. Right now, you are not sure that you can live with that. You know what? That is completely valid. Those feelings are very real and they deserve attention. You are very hurt and that deserves attention. You do not need to justify how you feel by talking about the breaking of vows. You feel what you feel because finding out about the A was devastating. People here are not going to agree with you about either your W or you being more right than the other (for good reason). But what they can do is perhaps help you with what you are feeling about the A if you want to talk about that.
I wish I knew how to help you. I really can see how much pain that you are in right now and I just want to hug you. And seriously, I make no judgment because I have made huge mistakes and broke my own vows, I have used the same arguments you have and believe me, I was definitely self-righteous. Put it away, Denver and try to deal with the base of your issue rather than the justification for why you have the issue.
I'm praying for you, Denver. I hope that you can find some peace.
