So, is it OK to have D, soon to be SIL, and WAH for dinner Saturday pm to discuss wedding plans? I don't want to be seen as a pursuer, but before Xmas my goal with DB coach was positive interactions with H via phone.
Do whatever you will be comfortable with, Nic; if you can deal with him; by all means invite him; all he can say is no; this would not be considered pursuit; your daughter gets married once in her life; and I'm assuming he would want to give her away at the wedding.
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I'm trying to take the high road here in this sitch. I want to remain at least friendly with WAH. We have two children together, and hopefully grandchildren some day. I don't want the bitterness I've seen between some couples to be present when we are in the same place at the same time. Of course, ultimately the best situation, IMO, would be reconciliation.
Be careful in HOW you take the high road; I say this because if you aren't firm with him at times; he will take your high road, as being a "doormat" and take advantage of your good will in a heartbeat.
Take it one day at a time; one step at a time; and watch him closely as you attempt to build a friendly relationship with him.
The majority of MLC'ers take friendship as a license to try and further run over the LBS; so that is WHY there seems to be bitterness between some couples; you don't know what they've gone through; therefore you cannot judge their attitude as really being bitter. Most people who've endured MLC; ended up divorced, or whatever; and have seen what the MLC'er is capable of; know to keep as much distance as possible between them and the MLC'er; who, most likely is STILL in the tunnel.
It all goes back to some people you cannot be nice to; because they will take you farther than you ever planned to go with them.
You'd be surprised at the lengths MLC'ers go to, in an attempt to control a situation...so boundaries, and the willingness to enforce them, are very important.
AND, there was time within the crisis; that niceness had to go out the door for awhile; my husband was trying to take advantage of me...and it didn't work.
I was never ugly to him; but I was firm about what I would and would not tolerate out of him in the way of behavior toward me.
I could NOT simply be nice to him; his behavior toward me got worse; and he acted out MORE, than he did when I set boundaries; and enforced them on him.
So, your attempt to be nice can backfire in a hurry; and somehow it can all get twisted right back on you before you realize it.
There was something I learned long ago; and it did apply to my own situation; I used to watch wives that seemed to be 'mean' to their husbands and I often wondered why..this was when I was young and dumb; and didn't know any better.
After the crisis; I understood MORE; IF I didn't hold firm boundaries in regards to my husband; he would not do what was right by me...and I found this out in a hurry.
He had TWO choices, when it came down to it; either fall in line, or walk away; this was HIS choice to make.
The majority of MLC'ers will try and get out of accountability; and they will do whatever they can do to keep from facing themselves.
Nobody says the wife has to be ugly; but being firm and unbending; especially when the husband is attempting to take advantage of the wife, has its merits; I had to do that same thing with mine.
And, there is NOT a mean bone in my body; I can promise you that..but setting boundaries on bad behavior is NOT being mean; it's self protection for YOU.
Food for thought; you think your husband wouldn't do much more than he's doing now; but you find out differently as the crisis wears on...the typical MLC'er will do and say things their spouses NEVER thought they'd do or even say..and it can and will rock the foundation of the marriage...putting your very committment to a hard test.
Maybe this will help.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
