valentines day...i will vent to my bits here......

[angel61]

Its so painful, that is true. In my fog, my H believes that he never loved me, that he married his best frined.

He does not even want to be reminded of the good memories . he thinks talking about them are my way of pressuring him into feeling guilty.

But yesterday, after not being able to stand it anymore because I could not even talk about these things to friends when they are over; I just had to talk about it.

I asked him if he still vaues and treasures those memories, and he actually said yes. And I said did we want out D to remember and think she had a happy childhood. And he said yes.

And so I told him to separate what was happening now from what our past was, not to blame the past for the present. And he told me .... well said!

And here is our story as well....

We both worked in a hospital, me an attending, he a resident. I did not meet him until the day we had an outreach project to treat the underserved people in a remote town. When I first saw him, he came up to me and offered me a newspaper to read while waiting for some people, and I heard a voice telling me "This person will be important in your life..."

I was surpised, thinking 'What the.... why? will he help my career?"

When we first met, I was engaged, in a stormy, competitive relationship that just did not work. He was looking for one and dating. I met his dates and gave my opinion. I cried on his shoulder when I broke my engagement. He confided to me when his dates turned out to be disappointing. We would gather friends and leave at a moments notice, staying at the beach, drinking tequila and beer. We were not afraid to act silly in front of each other. I was his mentor, but his friend as well. When we explored new places, I was never afraid, knowing that I could trust him with my life. It was the sweet taste of freedom.

We went to many places together. We went hunting, we went fishing. We drank of nature’s bounty together, exalted in the strength our young bodies had then, challenged mountains, walked swamps, exhilarated in the thrill of the chase.

That was our strength – we had the same eyes that saw the beauty of the horizon melding with the sky at sunrise, the silhouette of ducks flying across, felt the same jump of the heart upon hearing that first cry in the stillness of the morning. The heavy scent of morning dew on the grass. The anticipation that a bend in the road would bring on a new vista, a breathtaking scenery that made us appreciate why we are here, alive.

And now, I am slowly dying a thousand deaths..... losing my buddy, my best friend, my love.

What's there to celebrate V-day for?