Hey 2step. Sorry I wasn't on. I don't tend to turn the computer on much over the weekends.
To throw my 2 cents in quickly: hold off on the flowers and such. Too much pressure at this point, I think it would be more likely to trigger withdrawal than progress.
As for your list...never say never. I always said if I was cheated on, I would be out. Yet instead I found MWD and DBing and these boards. Plus, infidelity is a pretty gray subject at this point. You have been S for months and D papers have been drawn up. That counts as infidelity only in the most technical sense.
I empathize with you about the whole D finalizing thing. That was also when I had decided I would be done. In reality, I ended up being done after a short-lived R attempt where he ran back to OW again.
None of us know what's going to happen. None of us know when we'll really be done. Some days (like the weekends when there is too much time to think) you feel done. But the next day, you find the strength to go on. It's just about taking it one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. And remember to look back periodically and realize how far you have walked!
You have made AMAZING progress, your situation is far from dire! There are SO many positives. Stay focused on that and just be patient.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I realize the mother thing was a very stressful piece to my M I always knew that. I think it was a mix of stubbornness, pride, and the feeling that I had of lack of options that is the reason I allowed it to go for so long. At one point since the arguing became more frequent I just kind dug my heals in and decided that W was just being unreasonable, after all she was the problem not me.
2,
One thing that I think alot of men miss and alot of women won't say.
We want to be the priority. To feel like the priority. The number one priority. Like you would choose us over anyone, defend us even if you didn't agree in public. Equal only to children, sometimes taking a back seat there.
The Bible, which I don't quote often, speaking on marriage, says, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife"....
And yes we all have a "deal breaking" point.
Most of us, THINK we know what it is (PA, 2 PA, 10 PA, D papers...)...
Most of us learn, we don't really know what it is until after it has happened.
And that is ok.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I know you are right of course. It is always so easy to look at someone else and see clearly, that is why I love you guys. Looking at my own usually clouds my mind.
Lis,
Did you see my list of positives? I was wondering if that was the right approach or not? I do think I have made some positives along the way. I guess what I am struggling with is deciding on is the next move.
Quote:
“She wants to prove something to herself and probably to you too. She also probably wants to break out of this pattern a bit (why do you think she called with the book???) but she doesn't know how.”
I agree to a certain extent, that is why some of the insight on here is so positive for us because it gives you another angle you have not considered. She could just be done but everyone seems to think that is not really the case. Keep on trucking is all we can do. I think wrestling our own demons is probably the hardest part.
LOL that is funny. To be honest with you I am not in this funk I was expecting heading into today. It is just another day for me. I heeded your advice even before you gave it. I did not order flowers, candy, singing telegram or anything corny. I just sent a simple text.
Today is hard, 2step. About your sitch, I just want to echo what others have said. Keep doing what works. Baby steps. I believe if she wants you to show up on her doorstep, you'll get more signs. She probably will open up and retreat again. You catch this wave in the wrong spot and you'll have a HUGE step back.
What you're doing seems to be working. Keep going with it.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
I am so freaking retarded, 2Step and I know it so don't remind me. I see the list of positives on here, but I want them to be in one place in a notebook. Ok, ok, that's what I did and when things were just plain crappy, I had my notes that reminded me of two things:
1) What I did right to get positive reactions 2) What actually were the positive reactions
I would write down things he said or did. I would write down why I thought it was positive in that moment. You know why? Well, give me an hour or two and I can talk myself out of any positive situation. You've watched me do it.
Has she always hated v-day? I know someone's wife did. For some reason I thought that was FOBD, though. If she didn't, I find it very intersting the way she's reacting also.
I know that you are struggling with what to do next, 2Step. Frankly, I'm struggling with coming up with an answer for you. I know that sounds crappy but I don't want to lead you down the wrong path. When do you speak to the coach next? I think you have to do something. I went back over that message about the book reading. She wants something.
Lis no she has not always hated vday I think that was FOBD W, mine always liked it. Here is what has happened..
Went to lunch with a buddy and I get this
W "don't know how but I think I have pink eye...have to go to urgent care after work..don't know how much that will cost. LOL happy F(edited) valentines day to me! What a stupid F (edited) day"
M "I'm sorry to hear that, you do know u are still covered by insurance. How in the world did u get pink eye?"
W "I don't know"
M "Well you are fully convered. I hope you feel better soon"
W "Thanks for both"
That's it. Nothing special I know but hey every exchange does not have to be a 2hr marathon I guess
