The unexamined life is not worth living

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Denver,

I am not going to be very nice in this post. I’m not going to be overtly mean.

Consider this a 1x1.

So, here lies the 'pride' problem. If I reconcile with W, then it looks to these guys, my friends, that I just got walked over. That I was just a doormat and let my W have a PA.

Do you want to save face or your marriage?

Are you more worried about how you appear to others than your wife? Wasn’t that part of the underlying problem? The old Denver who’s wife was…secondary?

You LET your wife have a PA? This is what you think of other guys you know who’s wife had an affair? They let them?

So…I LET my wife have an affair? Because I took her back and we rebuilt our marriage?

I LET her?

I am not mad at you, just THAT is f-ed up thinking.

And, even if it did, and I spilled my guts like I did here, they would still, most likely, think less of my W and think that I was a doormat.

F them.

If you can forgive her, they sure as sure can. If they cannot? Seek a less judgmental social group, one who’s horses aren’t quite so high and who’s houses aren’t made of glass. Seems to me, based upon what you’re saying is they are going to talk about you no matter the outcome Denver.

In trying times, you discover exactly who your friends truly are.

...
Justifying an action is saying that the action wasn't wrong. Killing someone bc they are threatening your life is self defense... it is a justifiable action. You will not get charged for killing that person.

See the difference with what I'm saying?

That is how I'm able to look at my situation. No more, no less. Not sure anyone can convince me that my w's actions are justifiable.

Oh I absolutely see what you’re saying.

I think you’re thinking too much like a lawyer right now, and I do not believe that way of thinking is going to help you.

Think like a husband who wants to be married, or isn’t sure and less about assigning a value and level of fault.

You both f-ed up, you both should apologize and do better. There is no score card for failure, there is no first place for doing LESS wrong.

Neither of you can defend or justify your failings, you can only own them.

Seems like you both are, but it seems like you expect her to accept yours and your apology and move forward. While she should own her failure a little more, apologize a little more, move forward a little less.

I just want to know that if we decide to work on this that you aren't going to run for the hills the next time we hit a rocky patch."

...hit a rocky patch...

You just trivialized all your past failings and all her hurt and pain, into something akin to an argument.

You marginalized everything you owned up to when you were brutally honest here earlier. And you did it to her.

What some of the older posters know is that I was a Walk Away Husband in my first marriage. And an LBS in my second.

That emotional divorce is true. When I left, I was done.
I cannot speak for your wife, but I’ll speak from what I remember.

I didn’t trust her anymore to commit to the changes I repeatedly told her I needed, changes she would make for a few weeks before falling back into old patterns.

Feeling that I was always secondary to her wants and needs. That I should change for her, but it was one sided.

When I left I was done, it was just a matter of waiting for the paperwork. All it took was one final straw. And it was not a hard choice to make, to live with? Yes, but to make, no.

Nothing I said mattered, nothing I did mattered, nothing had ANY affect, her temporary changes, I felt were to shut me up, to keep me around, tricks. Like giving peanut butter to a barking dog.

To be dismissive of this? To assume this is some sort of trick?

Shows a lack of empathy you are going to want to acquire.

Denver,

Stop pointing fingers are who is “wronger” realize you both were, and man up, owe up, and figure out from this point forward how to do better.