WAW tearing up our family

[ironMan]

Just wanted to talk about V-Day today. It [censored]. I'm mad at her, and what she's doing to our family. And also recognizing that she must be in some pain as well today.

For me though, I have a BEAUTIFUL little valentine. She's 21 months old, and my mom sent her a special outfit to wear today. She gave me a hug and a kiss this morning. And I asked her if she'd be my valentine and she said yes! I'm a lucky guy today :-)

[Denver_2010]

That's awesome Ironman. Thanks for sharing that.

BITS
Denver

[ironMan]

Ok, one more dilemma ..... could use some input.

I have done all the work on our cars, and am quite mechanically inclined.

My W's car started having some issues this weekend. She called me, I told her, "I don't know what to tell you". Which was true. Now, I could probably diagnose the issue and then see if its something that I could fix or needed to be taken to the mechanic. But, W hasn't asked, so I haven't offered. She said "where should I take it?", and again, I truthfully said I don't know. She asked, the dealer? I said "heck no", that will cost you too much $$.

I am struggling with this. I feel that if she doesn't ask me to take a look at it, that I shouldn't volunteer. That she needs to get a handle on what life without me will be like. But, I'm having a hard time not just fixing this. I am Mr Fix it .... and really one of the problems that I had was always trying to fix her. So, I think I should let her struggle thru this as much as it pains me. Am I being too cold?

[zengypsy]

Ok, one more dilemma ..... could use some input.

I have done all the work on our cars, and am quite mechanically inclined.

My W's car started having some issues this weekend. She called me, I told her, "I don't know what to tell you". Which was true. Now, I could probably diagnose the issue and then see if its something that I could fix or needed to be taken to the mechanic. But, W hasn't asked, so I haven't offered. She said "where should I take it?", and again, I truthfully said I don't know. She asked, the dealer? I said "heck no", that will cost you too much $$.

I am struggling with this. I feel that if she doesn't ask me to take a look at it, that I shouldn't volunteer. That she needs to get a handle on what life without me will be like. But, I'm having a hard time not just fixing this. I am Mr Fix it .... and really one of the problems that I had was always trying to fix her. So, I think I should let her struggle thru this as much as it pains me. Am I being too cold?

IM, no I don't think you are being too cold. You are a nice guy and IMHO, if you continue to do things for her, you will become a doormat. What I would suggest is maybe say, ask around (friends, family) to see anyone can recommend a good mechanic for you. I would suggest someone myself, but I don't know anyone. Good luck. Something to that effect. Does any of the other bits agree?

As my STXH said to me, we have to start to live life without each other. That gutted me, but to some degree he is correct.

[Mach1]

Iron,


Been there done that with the car thing....

I had always taken care of that in the past, and when the first problem occurred, I stepped back...

She was viewing me as controlling, and I felt that to take charge, I would be the same ol , same ol....

What happened was the total reversal of what I thought.

I got blasted because I DIDN'T take charge , and fix her car for her.....

It's a no win situation right now...

Nothing you do will be right...

I would say that you have to ask yourself one question regarding your decision to fix or not to fix....

Is the car safe for my Daughter to ride in ?

How would I feel if I did nothing, and left my children stranded on the side of the road ?

Then take it from there....

Remove her, and yourself from any equation.....

[2stepboogie]

I agree with mach on this. You don't have to be perceived as Mr. Fix it to make an offer. My W gave me plenty of chances before she left to talk things out, I won't go into details but my own ego would stop me from it. Also a lot of might of appeared as pressure but she expected me to talk and I didn't.

I just don't see how just asking if she would like for you to look at the car has a negative affect

[ironMan]

Thanks guys! This is good. I can at least ask her if she'd like me to take a look. Instead of just fixing it.

[d1adsl5a]

Just make sure the car is safe and move on from there. Had the same issue. I guess we all do.

As for the NAIR issue from earlier...Had a similar issue. Wife wearing undergarments that are reserved for special occasions. The anger, pain, resentment all build up. But until you let go of Hope, the anger will continue. It is hard step, but that is the only way you become free from having this stuff rule your mind. I did the checking of cell phone, cell phone bills, you name it..It all pointed to the same emotional affair, physical affair?? I was one step away from the GPS tracker...One day I just stopped caring. It took close to a year to get there. But one day I woke up and said I am better than this..I don't desrve this and my Hope went away for a reconciliation between us.

So if reconciliaton happens- great, if it didn't--I would prepare myself for life as a single Dad. Well, I ended up as the single dad and I'm OK.

My only point is have pride in who you are as a person and a father.

Don't give in to the temptation of snooping..Someone mentioned earlier, if you find out for sure, what will you do differently? You can confront as I did, they deny, deny, deny...

I was also not embarrassed enough to admit therapy also helped...I went for about a year. It helps.

I can tell you this. She isn't doing that well. She isn't that happy. The grass isn't always greener. She made her decision..I can sleep well at night..

Be strong.

[zengypsy]

Just wanted to talk about V-Day today. It [censored]. I'm mad at her, and what she's doing to our family. And also recognizing that she must be in some pain as well today.

For me though, I have a BEAUTIFUL little valentine. She's 21 months old, and my mom sent her a special outfit to wear today. She gave me a hug and a kiss this morning. And I asked her if she'd be my valentine and she said yes! I'm a lucky guy today :-)

AWWWW......

[Sad_but_happy]

IM,
This is a great opportunity to be a take charge man without taking charge. Fix the car, have a drink, enjoy the company.

We take advantage of our opportunities.

Now you need to fake it! Ask a few buddies to call you at the time you know you will be fixing her car. Make plans in front of her to show you are GAL. Laugh and act "as if". I bet it will prompt questions.


Good luck buddy!