Will I need to get to a place where I can replace him to make peace? I don't want to replace him with anyone else...It's HIM that's missing. there's this big picture and he's missing. How did you get over that? How do you 'move on' when there's the bed you bought together in the house you built together and he's not in it?
It's hard to explain, but you will get there, given time...but you don't "move on" you move FORWARD; all the while leaving a door open just in case. Moving on is defined as getting on with your life; and dumping your husband completely in that process in favor a new life; and do the work needed on yourself..
When you move forward; you leave a door open for the possibility that he may return; and you do the work needed on yourself.
As time goes on, and you adjust to him not being there; as you're getting a life of your own, you'll find, in time, that he won't be as important as you'd once thought...this is part of detaching.
On the other hand, you will reach a point in your life; and you WILL face this, when you will question the wisdom of your stand.
At that point in time; you will face a decision; to continue standing or cut your losses and truly MOVE ON at that time.
This comes when the REALITY of your husband comes to light; and you see him for what he really is; NOT the loving perception you'd carried throughout your marriage; seeing many things through rose colored glasses; that hide the total truth.
These will shatter during your journey; bringing the reality of YOU to light first; and later on, him. When you see yourself in a totally honest light; seeing the areas within that need change and growth, it prepares you to then see your husband.
Through your own changes; your husband will then be revealed; because your perception will then change; as it should.
When you learn to set boundaries, etc., you will then see where you should have done this with your husband; but because you didn't know; you didn't do it before.
Love does indeed, cover a multitude of sin; but when love dies for a time, and all you have holding you is committment; reality bites and hard...been there, myself.
You're still in the early days of this; the journey lies ahead for the taking.
Remember NO ONE is perfect; NOT ONE.
On the subject of "replacing" him before you attain peace; this won't happen; another relationship won't "fix" you...you must fix yourself long before you ever enter into either a new marriage or a new relationship.....peace and the happiness that follows come from within; these are not given by people.
I had to reach a place where I was happy, peaceful; and OK with whatever would happen in the future; I was still walking my journey; but I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt I would be fine.
I found, along this journey that I did NOT need a man to make me happy or give me peace..this was found within myself.
And, although, I came through with my marriage; this same principle still applies; my husband cannot make me happy, sad, angry, or cause me to lose my peace within.
The changes I made helped me to understand people in general more; and I've had the experience of people being angry, grouchy; and nearly impossible to deal with....I don't take any of it personally..and simply distance myself from them..usually, however; I will know what's wrong; before I leave where ever I am; and the problem is usually a personal one within THEM.
Before I reached this point, I would "take on" their problems; and let it upset me; taking things personally...I was guilty of allowing someone's bad mood to affect me...I haven't done this in a very long time; I LEARNED that right or wrong, each person has a right to their feelings; and you can't save the world, nor can you "fix" everyone.
So, you don't try; you just let people be who they are; setting boundaries against abuse...they may walk away because they cannot accept a boundary set; but this is THEIR problem; and you don't make it yours.
This attitude affected my husband deeply; amongst other things; and at first, he did not like the changes I had made and pressured me to "change back" because the old was what he knew and could relate to...but I never backed down or backslid my changes.
He had to learn a new way of relating to me; or walk away, HIS CHOICE.
I had reached a point either he could accept me for who I had become, or walk; there was no going back to what I once been.
It took time, but my husband changed in response, and for the better; we BOTH work on our marriage together; and so many things have changed within both of us.
We are truly friends; guarding each other's back; and we are closer than we ever were...I still don't take anything personally he does or says; I learned that anything he does or says has nothing to do with me; so, I'm not sensitive to his moods...I simply ask him if he's ok; and if he says yes, then I ask him if whatever's bothering him needs to be talked about.
If he doesn't want to talk; I leave him alone..just as I'm supposed to; he's NOT my child, nor is he my responsibility...and his moods are his own...I won't allow him to take them out on me; if/when they happen.
It took a long time to reach this point in our lives..but it was worth everything we both endured to get there.
Many things must come to pass before the end is reached; it's always like that within a trial of this magnitude.
You can't do anything about what the MLC spouse is doing; but you CAN and need to work on yourself. Everyone has areas within themselves that need improving; it just takes an honest look within.
It is certain that if you don't wish to change; you don't have to; people have always got a choice....but if you don't; you will take the problems you have into another relationship; or new marriage..and you'll "recycle" these lessons that must be learned within the trial.
I saw, before I got down the hard work of changing; what would happen if I didn't change; the gains of changing were far MORE than the losses of not changing...and I chose to do the work within.
In time, as I effected the changes within, I found that I felt better and was able to deal more effectively with not only my husband, but other people, too.
Food for thought..but change must start within you, before it will affect other people, including your husband.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
