MLC questions- detaching and scared!!

[september2010]

So, here I am. I just ... yeah, GAL.. I guess.. Had 2 couples round for dinner. both of them I met through my H.. but it doesn't matter as they are my friends too... we didn't speak about about him all night. still. we are in OUR house, at OUR dining room table... and they are still OUR friends... so everyone's left and I'm here all by myself dying to text him to say.. look at what you've missed... we all miss you.. we love you.. where have you gone? and of course I didn't .. cause I'm not supposed to.. am I? It wouldn't be good would it? I'm dying inside.. I miss him so much.. This is his house too. We built it together. I have no idea what he is searching for. It's been 4 1/2 months and all of his clothes are still in his wardrobe.. his post is still being delivered here and nothing has changed but he's not around anymore.
It's like he's died but I know he hasn't and it's so weird .
x

[september2010]

Cyrena, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm still not there yet... Sometimes I have no f****ing clue how to have a life without him... Some days are good and some days are bad and this evening with all 'our' friends .. it was nice for me when they were there but as soon as they left I felt so empty. Will I need to get to a place where I can replace him to make peace? I don't want to replace him with anyone else...It's HIM that's missing. there's this big picture and he's missing. How did you get over that? How do you 'move on' when there's the bed you bought together in the house you built together and he's not in it?
((hugs))

[nic1]

September,

I'm right there with you. We can do this. But it hurts really bad sometimes. And you are right, the WA is missing out on so much.

(((september)))

[september2010]

thank you nic1

ok so it looks like we will be meeting monday evening. he texted saying 'are you free over the weekend?' and I said I wasn't (which is true - busy with GALing! ;-)

so he said 'ok. it would be good to catch up soon though x'

so I replied saying I could do monday eve. was that ok or should I cancel again? I get confused when it comes to seeing 'them'... as I do worry and I want to be his friend but at the same time, I'm scared of seeing him.

I have so many questions, I hope I can get some insight from you guys. So far I've learnt, no R talk, unless he initiates it, if he does listen and validate what he says but don't try to defend yourself, act happy and cheerful etc. . . ok all of that makes sense. I am so SCARED though! ick, I can feel it in my tummy.

I want to be positive! :-))

any advice on an evening out with my H would be appreciated.

[september2010]

I'll be meeting H in half an hour... my plans changed and he asked if we could meet. my tummy is all over the place. Just shows how dependent I still am on his moods. argh. I was really positive all day and now? he texted without an 'x' at the end and I interpret that as a bad sign... how silly am I??
I hope it goes ok, I really try to have no expectations whatsoever but I find it really hard to go into it with... well. nothing I guess... I just remembered I should treat him like an old friend so that's what I'll do...!
positive vibes to all of you :-)
x

[HeartsBlessing]

Will I need to get to a place where I can replace him to make peace? I don't want to replace him with anyone else...It's HIM that's missing. there's this big picture and he's missing. How did you get over that? How do you 'move on' when there's the bed you bought together in the house you built together and he's not in it?

It's hard to explain, but you will get there, given time...but you don't "move on" you move FORWARD; all the while leaving a door open just in case. Moving on is defined as getting on with your life; and dumping your husband completely in that process in favor a new life; and do the work needed on yourself..

When you move forward; you leave a door open for the possibility that he may return; and you do the work needed on yourself.

As time goes on, and you adjust to him not being there; as you're getting a life of your own, you'll find, in time, that he won't be as important as you'd once thought...this is part of detaching.

On the other hand, you will reach a point in your life; and you WILL face this, when you will question the wisdom of your stand.

At that point in time; you will face a decision; to continue standing or cut your losses and truly MOVE ON at that time.

This comes when the REALITY of your husband comes to light; and you see him for what he really is; NOT the loving perception you'd carried throughout your marriage; seeing many things through rose colored glasses; that hide the total truth.

These will shatter during your journey; bringing the reality of YOU to light first; and later on, him. When you see yourself in a totally honest light; seeing the areas within that need change and growth, it prepares you to then see your husband.

Through your own changes; your husband will then be revealed; because your perception will then change; as it should.

When you learn to set boundaries, etc., you will then see where you should have done this with your husband; but because you didn't know; you didn't do it before.

Love does indeed, cover a multitude of sin; but when love dies for a time, and all you have holding you is committment; reality bites and hard...been there, myself.

You're still in the early days of this; the journey lies ahead for the taking.

Remember NO ONE is perfect; NOT ONE.

On the subject of "replacing" him before you attain peace; this won't happen; another relationship won't "fix" you...you must fix yourself long before you ever enter into either a new marriage or a new relationship.....peace and the happiness that follows come from within; these are not given by people.

I had to reach a place where I was happy, peaceful; and OK with whatever would happen in the future; I was still walking my journey; but I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt I would be fine.

I found, along this journey that I did NOT need a man to make me happy or give me peace..this was found within myself.

And, although, I came through with my marriage; this same principle still applies; my husband cannot make me happy, sad, angry, or cause me to lose my peace within.

The changes I made helped me to understand people in general more; and I've had the experience of people being angry, grouchy; and nearly impossible to deal with....I don't take any of it personally..and simply distance myself from them..usually, however; I will know what's wrong; before I leave where ever I am; and the problem is usually a personal one within THEM.

Before I reached this point, I would "take on" their problems; and let it upset me; taking things personally...I was guilty of allowing someone's bad mood to affect me...I haven't done this in a very long time; I LEARNED that right or wrong, each person has a right to their feelings; and you can't save the world, nor can you "fix" everyone.

So, you don't try; you just let people be who they are; setting boundaries against abuse...they may walk away because they cannot accept a boundary set; but this is THEIR problem; and you don't make it yours.

This attitude affected my husband deeply; amongst other things; and at first, he did not like the changes I had made and pressured me to "change back" because the old was what he knew and could relate to...but I never backed down or backslid my changes.

He had to learn a new way of relating to me; or walk away, HIS CHOICE.

I had reached a point either he could accept me for who I had become, or walk; there was no going back to what I once been.

It took time, but my husband changed in response, and for the better; we BOTH work on our marriage together; and so many things have changed within both of us.

We are truly friends; guarding each other's back; and we are closer than we ever were...I still don't take anything personally he does or says; I learned that anything he does or says has nothing to do with me; so, I'm not sensitive to his moods...I simply ask him if he's ok; and if he says yes, then I ask him if whatever's bothering him needs to be talked about.

If he doesn't want to talk; I leave him alone..just as I'm supposed to; he's NOT my child, nor is he my responsibility...and his moods are his own...I won't allow him to take them out on me; if/when they happen.

It took a long time to reach this point in our lives..but it was worth everything we both endured to get there.

Many things must come to pass before the end is reached; it's always like that within a trial of this magnitude.

You can't do anything about what the MLC spouse is doing; but you CAN and need to work on yourself. Everyone has areas within themselves that need improving; it just takes an honest look within.

It is certain that if you don't wish to change; you don't have to; people have always got a choice....but if you don't; you will take the problems you have into another relationship; or new marriage..and you'll "recycle" these lessons that must be learned within the trial.

I saw, before I got down the hard work of changing; what would happen if I didn't change; the gains of changing were far MORE than the losses of not changing...and I chose to do the work within.

In time, as I effected the changes within, I found that I felt better and was able to deal more effectively with not only my husband, but other people, too.

Food for thought..but change must start within you, before it will affect other people, including your husband.

[Cyrena]

Hi September,

How did your meeting with H go? Were you able to stick to your game plan? Sorry to hear you're still so dependent on his moods--but don't beat yourself up for it. That's quite normal at your stage--it takes a long time to become that mature, non-co-dependent person we all strive to be, who is completely in control of her own moods and not swayed by how others feel. You will get there if you keep DBing!!

Other than that, HB has written some truly excellent food for thought about the need to change in order to attract a better relationship (whether with your current H or someone else)--I hope it helps you.

[september2010]

Hi everyone, I'm not even sure now if anyone will reply to this as it has been such a long time since I've checked in... I'm sorry. I'm not that great with words when it comes to explaining what's going on and I just needed to hide for a while. I'm not in a good place tonight, just because I just spoke to H for about 2 hours on the phone and it wasn't good (again). Deep down inside of me I know... 'this has happened before, don't panic about it'... it's just the usual rollercoaster... he's been away on business for weeks, distancing himself.. I saw him a few weeks ago before he left and it was COMPLETELY different when we met, he was caring, hugged me tight a few times, said he was 50/50 about 'coming home' (has been living at his mum's for 6 months now) - which was a first..him actually talking about coming home!!!... then, we hadn't spoken in weeks, I sent him an email, we just spoke now and he's completely different again, using everything I said in my email against me, talking about properly 'ending it' (although again, he didn't really use words like that, it's like he's constantly talking around it, I guess that's part of the game????) ... GOD, WHY AM I CRYING ABOUT THIS AGAIN, have I learnt nothing at all???...anyway, here I am AGAIN, in bits, although while I am writing this I smile as it makes me realize that nothing has changed really... I've been here before... I guess the one thing that is changing is me.. which is even scarier... spring is coming and I'm longing for something.. I would like to live my life with someone... I'm doing ok with myself but there's still something missing.. it doesn't help that I'm turning 35 in june, most of my girlfriends are either pregnant, just had babies or are getting married. oh well. that's life I guess. When is this going to end? Whenever I feel like 'he's getting it', 'he'll get there', 'he'll be home soon' -BANG!!! he turns and it seems like he's gone back in time (yes yes I know... I KNOW!) :))... I know many of you on here will know how hard this is... but this IS bloody hard... why oh why oh why is this happening to meeeeee? I wish someone could help, and no one can... It's been 6 months and I don't even want to talk to my closest friends about it anymore...it's just boring... I'm bored... I'm so bored. I guess tomorrow is another day? xxxx

[september2010]

I honestly sometimes feel like I might lose my mind over this. Anyone else felt this way and how did you deal with it???

[september2010]

Hello everyone... I've just read my old posts and realized I haven't posted for over 4 months now - time flies when you're having fun!! (just kidding!)
Anyway, I'm posting to say hi and also say that nothing has really changed since last time, well I should rephrase that - his situation hasn't changed but WAHEY, I HAVE :-)!!! I'm calmer, happier, stronger. Reading my old posts made me smile and realize I've come a long way (@ heartsblessing and all the others: THANK YOU again for making me stronger!)
So, we are still on a rollercoaster and of course I join him when I'm having a weak moment but I'm doing absolutely ok.
I wanted to post here with a question:
I have since received an 'aggrement' from his solicitor in regards to selling our home. I should explain that more or less from the beginning, that was something HE wanted to do. He never really mentioned D, it was always about selling the house (and splitting the proceeds 50/50 which would be very much in my favour!! -reinforcing my suspicion he wants to sell swiftly and needs the money desperately). I believe he is broke, no savings, needs to put his adult daughter through university and desperately needs the money. Now, how do I react to that? Does anyone have any suggestions? I DO NOT WANT TO SELL our house. My plan is not to sign anything, but where do I go from there? I have already told him I am not planning to sign it - his reaction was more or less a moan/mumble (so nothing too scary) but I'm wondering how to go about it if the issue comes up again.
I'm still standing strong and believe selling our house would be the most stupid thing to do but I'm a bit scared as I don't really know what the next step would be.
I was wondering if I should just say: 'Well, if you so desperately want to sell the house, don't you think you should file for D first so we can get things in order properly?'
Thought that might scare him off a bit, but then I don't want it to backfire, and I am not sure if even mentioning a D would be clever (I suppose not).
Any suggestions would be great, am a bit lost.