WAS and doormats

[Redo]

All:

I came across this a lot and thought it would be nice to see what people think about this.

Yup most of our spouses seem to be WAS. So once that happens, LBS tries to DB, become strong and hope that WAS realizes what was being thrown away and hopefully comes back.

Now along the way some of the LBS actions might look like a doormat behavior. I guess i am trying to figure out where do we draw the line on being a doormat and being a person that takes a higher ground.

Like in my case when W and i were discussing some divorce details like assets and custody, I was very accommodating to some of my W's requests regarding money and some custody issues. For me it did not feel like i was making concessions because i was scared of her. I was making them because i love her and wanted to show her that i still care for her. But the feedback i got from some of my family and friends was that i was being a doormat still and i need man up and fight. But my thinking is that fighting will not achieve anything but just spawn negative feelings. Others may think that fighting will show the spouse that you are not gonna lay down and take it.

So I'd like to know what people's take on this is. What would be a doormat behavior and what would be considered as taking the higher ground.

[♪CS♪]

Great post. I know I can feel the same way and it is tough to know where to draw the line. I wish I had the answer, but I will be interested to see what others say.

[alamo76]

Yeah, I would like to know too! Get in line, people...

[zengypsy]

MK - I think you took the higher road for sure. Even though this is the most difficult of times, you have a child to think of. Even tho she is only 3, you and your STXW are setting the journey for her as an adult. It shows you both as examples of good parenting and how you can work together even thru such adversity. And, it shows actions to your W as well.

At some point, you have to not care what anyone else thinks and do what's right for your situation. Of course not all will agree, but have they walked in your shoes? It's so easy to talk the talk, but when you actually walk the walk, what you thought you'd do and what you do can change. Bitterness, resentment etc. is only a detriment to you and your progress.

D doesn't have to mean the end with you and your W.

[PEI]

Like in my case when W and i were discussing some divorce details like assets and custody, I was very accommodating to some of my W's requests regarding money and some custody issues. For me it did not feel like i was making concessions because i was scared of her. I was making them because i love her and wanted to show her that i still care for her. But the feedback i got from some of my family and friends was that i was being a doormat still and i need man up and fight. But my thinking is that fighting will not achieve anything but just spawn negative feelings. Others may think that fighting will show the spouse that you are not gonna lay down and take it.

MK,

The term “doormat” is very subjective and I guarentee that your friends and family will not understand your chosen path. That being said ... please, please, PLEASE ... do not make consessions BECAUSE you think they will wake your wife up and make her see just how much you have changed and have her come running back to you. Why not? You might ask ... because you need to make sure that your and your child’s best interests are also taken care of. I don’t know the specifics of the consessions you’ve made, nor am I a lawyer, but I do know that I have seen some LBSs end up very resentful and hurt in the long term. Do what’s right. Period. Don’t be an a$$ to deal with, continue to take the high road ... but don’t give away the farm either ...

Peace,
PEI

[Redo]

That being said ... please, please, PLEASE ... do not make consessions BECAUSE you think they will wake your wife up and make her see just how much you have changed and have her come running back to you. Why not? You might ask ... because you need to make sure that your and your child’s best interests are also taken care of. I don’t know the specifics of the consessions you’ve made, nor am I a lawyer, but I do know that I have seen some LBSs end up very resentful and hurt in the long term. Do what’s right. Period. Don’t be an a$$ to deal with, continue to take the high road ... but don’t give away the farm either ...
Peace,
PEI

I agree with you completely. Yup, I used to do things to make her happy or to be in her good graces(which i have learnt last week is also called adult-anxiety-attachment). But over the years I have also grown to let-go...without any resentment. Sometimes this letting go makes me feel better.

But i do see a problem here. There might be a thin line in letting go of stuff for the greater good and letting go of stuff because you are trying to appease your wife. The latter case is where there are no good boundaries and your spouse, even with good intentions can take advantage of you.

The only thing that scares me is that my W viewing this is some kind of weak behavior and looks down at it. Because at the end of the day i would still want her to come back to me.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I think you can boil it down to:

If you make concessions out of fear or try to appease someone out of fear, someone is wiping their feet on your back.

But 'doormat' is a very subjective word. What it means to one person, might not mean the same thing to another. What it means to 100 people might not have the same meaning as it does for you.

My example, my point of view:

If you are afraid your spouse will leave you if stop sleeping with them and they are having an affair, I see that as being a doormat.

If your fear is greater than your sense of self worth. If your fear is the only choice you have.

Another example:
If you don't divorce them and they are having an affair, but you're doing this because you know most affairs don't last, and you believe you can forgive them? You're bidding your time? You're not sleeping with them and you have some basic boundaries.

I do not see that as a doormat.

I see that as a choice you make. One that, while it is painful, you can be proud of.

[2stepboogie]

I think the answer to your question is, it depends. It depends on your sitch, your spouse and your history together. I don't think there is one size fits all attempt here.

In my case I was very stubborn and only my point of view really mattered. So my W felt undermined and un-loved. If I go into this with the same attitude nothing has changed

In your case you were a pushover, so what woudl be your 180.

I think people get DB confused with giving in to everything your W wants and letting them walk all over you while you smile and pretend life is great. I don't see it that way at all. I see it as an opportunity to make changes in your life in a positive way and to stop self destructive behaviour.

If my W wanted to spend the next 6hrs telling me what a horrible husband i was i would listen and validate but if she wanted to take my car or have a relationship with OM in my house I would in a calm way dissagree and ask her to leave. DB does not mean lay down on the tracks as the car drives over you it means understanding why the driver even wants to.

See the difference?

[Truegritter]

My short answer?

You are a doormat if you think you are doormat.

What does it feel like when you concede to your fear.

When you feel anger or any other negative emotion you have to swallow because of your choice.

When you hang on every word or action of your spouse in hopes that they will change their mind and validate you...

Come back to you so you can feel better about yourself and not a failure.

You are a doormat.

Because you allow your self worth to be dictated by the actions or inactions of another.

IMO you must feel those doormat feelings in order to decide you don't want to be one.

You decide for YOU. You stand for YOU.

Then the only person who can call you a doormat and have it sting will be the one in the mirror.

F everyone else.

You will cease to be a doormat when you decide you are not one.

[♪CS♪]

I have thought about this more today. One thing that helped me was this, I realized what I am doing is the absolute HARDEST thing to do, not the easiest. IMO, a doormat is someone who lays down because they are weak. What we are doing takes a great deal of STRENGTH!

There is still a line for sure, and it is hard to know exactly where that line is. But... right now, I feel like I am FIGHTING, not laying down. The furthest thing from being a 'doormat.'