The unexamined life is not worth living

[ironMan]

I am struggling with that question myself right now Ironman.

The other night during my conversation with my W... the big one. As we were talking about the possibility of reconciliation, she said to me, "You're sitting there wondering how you can ever trust this woman again."

I said, "well, yes, actually." I had already told her how I had gone through this process of considering, truly considering, what my vows meant to me after she left. At this point, I told her that I was feeling that she had now broken those vows. So yes, I was sitting there wondering if I could ever trust this woman again.

Well, her response was this... "When I left you, I was DONE. I was not leaving you so that you would wake up and change. I was done. I hated your guts. And I was already moving on with my life. I planned on leaving you in September while you were out of town, but the place I was going to rent fell through. I was done."

As I see it now... days after the conversation, she was emotionally divorced from me long before I knew that she was even going to leave me.

This is actually typical of the WAW. They plan the walk away for weeks, sometimes months, before they actually execute it.

Now I went back to the issue of vows and trust with my W as I was talking to her.

Me: "I want to be with someone who loves me unconditionally and is not going to break their M vows when things go wrong for a period of time"

W: "Taking vows and giving unconditional love does not mean that you let yourself be trampled and taken advantage of for years, Denver. I gave you unconditional love for 7 years and I tried to make you commit to the M. You never did... And YOU abandoned our M long before I ever thought about leaving. You broke your vows to love and cherish me... If we decide to work on this, you know that I am a good person... and that I will be loyal to you... you KNOW that."

Me: "Yes I do. Everything that you have just said is right. You deserved more... I thought that if I gave you a percentage of what you were asking for that that should've been good enough. But you deserve it all W. I just want to know that if we decide to work on this that you aren't going to run for the hills the next time we hit a rocky patch."

Sorry Ironman... probably more info than needed for this response. My point is, is that our vows and unconditional love are in the eyes of the beholder. And maybe, they don't mean that someone must live unhappily for the rest of their life bc they have made those vows or have promised unconditional love. Maybe there is a trump card when it is someone's personal happiness involved.

See... told you. I'm struggling with these concepts myself here.

BITS
Denver

Hmm, yes. This is very tough, Denver. I think in your case the fact that you had already checked out actually makes this part easier for you than for me. But yes, this is a tough problem. I don't mind struggle ... but I detest people who run when the going gets tough. Like your W said, and you agree, there is a statute of limitations .... and 7 yrs is a long time to suffer. But ... I dunno