You made some huge strides here this week. First, you finally admitted what you really were thinking. Then, you started articulating that to your H.
I like to hear that he is DB'ing. I like to hear that you acknowledge your gut that he cheated. It makes it easier to move on, doesn't it?
I especially like to hear that you're going to put that gun away. You were struggling to find answers that don't yet exist. You need to wait and see and yes, have a little patience. I don't think, though, impatience was necessarily bothering you. I think you had too much bottled up inside and you were struggling to keep it there. You needed to get honest with yourself. And you needed to get real honest about the fact that if he doesn't maintain his changes, then you needed out. Now, you know your path.
You already know the tools and frankly, you always knew the truth. There is a lot of hope in your situation.
Now, it's time to calm down and ride it out in the unknown for a little while. And continue to vent on here. Because we all need that!!! Especially those of you who are in reconciliation. You really have to control your emotions and that is just downright exhausting!!
You go sweet girl!!! Your knocking down some walls!!!
One thing that stood out for me was this....PLEASE stop trying to hack/find evidence to a poss EA/PA. Sweetie, I'm speaking from the pain of experience. If it's really out there. You don't want to know about the details and etc. You can't get that stuff out of your head once it's there. It will kill everything that you are working for.
Cause, the real deal is this...you already feel that he has. So, getting proof to confirm it by checking his emails and etc. Will do what for you?
Leave it alone...put all your energy into what it is you want and keep DBing. If he has lied and had a A. It will come out in due time. It ALWAYS does, and if it does you will be able to handle it then. Cause, right now YOUR not ready for that either..
So, keep going girl! Your on the right track!!
Hugs~ Dixie
Me: 40 H: 39 M: 17 yrs - Together 18 1/2yrs No kids Seperated: May 18, 2006 EA/Poss PA with OW for 6 months prior to leaving. 2nd Bomb dropped: Dec. 23, 2010
Just checking in Hope... I hope that you have had a good weekend.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thank you everyone. I am trying not to snoop. I know H will do what H wants to do and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't force him into doing the right thing. I need to focus on me more.
This week I move into my new office. No more working from home with H also working from home. It's good that I have a new office, it's a 180, gives me more control over my life and my work and makes me more independent from H. But it scares the life out of me too. H will be home alone for 8 hours a day to get into all sorts of trouble if he chooses. Granted, I am literally around the corner and can pop in at any time but I do worry about him on sites again, phone calls next time, etc. I felt as if while I am here, I am babysitting him. That is no way to live. I either have to trust him or leave. For now, I am going to try to trust him. But it's hard. Very, very hard.
Trying to be more positive this week. Not just in front of him but all around.
We delayed Valentine's Day until Wednesday. He's going out of town again and asked me to go with him so we will celebrate then.
He's been different with the boys too. He grounded them 2 weeks ago and he's actually sticking to it. So the XW for once so it's making a good difference with them. At 15, they both have gotten mouthy and disrespectful to all 4 of us parents and their grades are slipping. They are going downhill and H is trying to put the brakes on it. AND he's asking me for my input on things, which he hasn't done in a long, long time. I am also trying to DB the boys as well, change how I interact with them. Things are getting better, though they are not happy about being grounded and losing phones, internet, etc. Hoping that this whole "consequences for actions" seeps into everyone's heads in this house. I am proud of him for sticking to the boys' grounding, I know it's not easy feeling like the bad guy.
He's been working hard on changing the dynamics between us too. He's listening to me when I talk more, he's made me coffee in the mornings, thanked me for doing things around the house, asked me about my work, a lot more affectionate, saying ILY. Even though I'm stressing over this trust issue on the inside, the whole mood of the house is changing and it's so much more pleasant around here.
He's really trying to turn things around. We're both trying to keep up our changes. Honestly, what more could I ask for at this point?
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
AND he's asking me for my input on things, which he hasn't done in a long, long time.
This is very good. This is him doing his part, now do yours. Encourage this behaviour. Positive reinforcement is the best way to handle this, it's like training a monkey!
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He's been working hard on changing the dynamics between us too. He's listening to me when I talk more, he's made me coffee in the mornings, thanked me for doing things around the house, asked me about my work, a lot more affectionate, saying
This is great stuff HOPE! Don't fail to see the small victories.
2Step, is that you?? Telling Hope not to fail to see the small victories
Hope!!! Wow, I think that you sound fantastic. I think you are also doing great recognizing his changes. That is so important to do right now as you've come to the realization that he's auditioning also.
One thing. You don't need to trust him. I think trust is earned and he hasn't earned it yet. What he did was crappy. Period. What you do have to do is not obsess about it. Listen, I am 100% convinced that my H cheated on me. I KNOW where you are coming from. But you worrying about it is going to change nothing other than stress you out. Don't stress about it, if he does something stupid, you'll find out. We always do
You're doing great, girl! I wish my H would tell me that he loved me. Of course, I have to give him more of an opening.
Awww... sweetie, it's just because I care about you. You bailed me out of a situation that I would have screwed up badly. I just might owe my marriage to you and I don't even know who you are!!! (Of course, that makes swinging 2x4's easier. You don't know where I live!!!)
