So during the last month in a half I have experienced the most pain; ever, in my life. My H initially said that he wanted to take a "step back" to re-evaluate things; this then turned into, "a Separation would probably be best right now." And now he's saying that he wants a divorce and that the "well has run dry." I started noticing a change in his attitude about four months ago. During minor arguments he would threaten to walk away from the marriage or say things like, "well I don't really care" or "It's whatever!" He started making purchases without telling me, picked up overtime without discussing it with me, hanging out with friends more frequently and just all around avoiding being home. He seemed less happy to ba around and always seemed to be in a bad mood. Alot of the times he would purposely start arguments and try to get reactions out of me. He cnacelled on an event that he knew was VERY important to me and his reason for not going was, "he had to go to the gym." This is clearly not the man that I married and sometimes I ask myself, "Why even fight for a person like this?" Bt I honestly don't think that this is him. He is definitely going through something and I am trying to be as patient as possible. I suspect that he may have been having an emotional affair and that this "separation" is so that it can become a PA. He tells me repeatedly that he is not in love with me anymore and that the well has run dry. When he first dropped this bomb on me I cried, pleaded and try to convince him to change his mind and this worked for a short period of time. Since then I have backed off. I only text him regarding neccesay things, I don't call him at all. I have just been trying to work on me. going to the gym, focusing on school work, hanging out with friends, going to counseling etc. I question whether or not being hopeful for reconciliation is more harmful than beneficial. He is currently staying at his moms house and recently called to say he wanted to come back home and that he feels like he may be "going through something." I actually told him that coming back home wasnt a good idea because it had only been three days since we were living separately and I knew that he was missing his apt and not me. I'm glad that I was strong enough to say this because a few days later he starting talking about Divorce!!!! He goes back and forth but every 5 days or so he makes sure to reassure me that we are THROUGH and that he was completely unhappy. What's crazy is that I don't believe him; and I dont feel like Im being indenial rather his words and actions are completely irrational. After he moved in with his mom he started calling and texting me excessively and popped up at the apt a few times unannounced. He even brought me dinner one night. I thought that my focusing on me was actually making him more interested in me. But then he flipped again Also prior to him moving out; we were doing an in house separation which was extremely unhealthy for me. I told him that if he wanted to be separated he had to leave. 1 month was already too long. There were days when he would coe and watch tv with me, be intimate with me, talk with me etc (i would see glimpses of the old him) and then the next day or so he would come and tell me that "he doesnt want to get my hopes up" because he definitely wanted a separation. sigh This is the most patient that I have ever been in my life. We are both 27; got married young (at 22) and I think that he wants to all of a sudden live the single, 27 yr old guy life. He's always been that perfect husband, never any problems or drama and now he wants to be a bachelor. I don't know what to do. I want my marriage to work but at the same time I have to have some respect and dignity for myself. Do I wait for him to "get it out of his system" and then just let him walk right back? Please help!!!!!!!!!!! I'm living in HELLLLL!!!!!!
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
I didn't expect anything like this to happen especially so "soon" I had always heard of men going through something similiar to what my husband or STBEXH (don't even know what to call him) in their 40's. But I must say his actions and words seem to be very similiar to a crisis. For some reason, I just don't believe what he is telling me. He claims that for a year he has been unhappy and I think back and go hunh? Really? Everything that he say's and does is to convince me that the marriage is over. Yeah we had our problems but now it is almost like he is purposely trying to sabotage any bit that we had left. I am so devastated. He constantly texts and calls me, just as casual as ever! I don't know if I want to hang in there and fight or if I want to move and find someone who appreciates me.
and thanks Jack! I will def check out the resources!
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
------Hopefully you have already done the first thing.---- The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.(Actions not words)
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. - The single most important part of this process. Your H has given you a gift! It is a gift of time. Use the gift to start to work on yourself.
About 13 yrs ago I had my zodiac chart done. The woman who did it pointed out 2 crucial life-changing times. I don't know which is which, but one is the Saturn Return and the other is Uranus Return. One happens between 28-32 yrs of age and the other at 40. So that may explain something....if you believe at all in it.
I'm no expert here. I can only share my own insights. I have suggestions that are only my opinions.
My H at age 51 or 52 started a MLC. During the phases he went from an EA to a PA that came to light (to me) in April 2010 when he was 54. I was BUSY at work and basically clueless to the A. I think NOW that this "cluelessness" in me may have saved my M. I basically IGNORED all his bad behavior. It wasn't by choice, it was because I was just plain ignorant of what was going on....and I trusted him 1000%. If he was rude or mean, I let myself drift around it like a boulder in a stream. When I read the various techniques in DB and DR I realized that without knowing it, I was employing them. I feel fortunate in that.
I can't tell you how many times I go back in mind, knowing what I know today, and envision what I might have done if I had acted on my suspicions. It would have been a disaster. In reality? I basically let H have his A and let it run its course. I stayed out of it. I know now that there was no way I was going to be able to compete with her. She was 22 years younger than me and very similar in intellect to my H. PLUS he was re-enacting his father's legacy that couldn't involve me. She was also an evil person who was mean to many other people, BUT she "chose" my H to be HER "best friend" and this was a correction of sorts for his own childhood when he was bullied. The bully picked him.
I'm telling you this because you never really know what they are re-enacting for themselves. It's almost like they have to do it. If it involves you, you get contaminated. In and of that, you can't be a part of it. Gosh I hope I'm making sense.
Today, my bottom line advice is:
*you need to be stronger than you have ever had to be.
*stay busy with YOUR life.
*don't make him leave, do "support" him in what he "needs to do."
*be uber sane and rational.
Once the reality of his A woke me up, I felt more pain than I had ever felt in my entire life....and I've been through a lot! I fall short of my own advice all the time. When I do get myself back to what I call "my code' and "work the program" I am very successful. My H and I are in piecing now and very much in love. I can't believe how much my man loves me.....and I love him. He is fighting for me as much as I am for him. We've become a team.
Hope this helps.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Thanks for responding. When he told me that he wanted to be separated we were doing the in house separation thingy. He was still too confused, embarrassed (to go to his mothers house) and scared to actually separate. My Therapist suggested that I not live in limbo anymore and I actually agreed with her at the time. I told him that if he wanted a seperation that he had to find another place to stay. I couldnt live in separate rooms anymore and wondering what time he was coming home or who was texting him every time his phone beeped was making me crazy. So he moved into his moms house
After only two days at his mom house he called me and said that he wanted to come home and that "maybe he was going through something" etc. I couldn't believe it! But I told him that I thought that he was missing the house and not me. It was not possible that a week earlier he was 100 positive that he wanted to separate and now wanted to come back home. Anywo, since then he has said that he doesnt think that we could ever reconcile at that he wants a divorce. I was absolutely floored. Everything is moving really fast which is why I don't believe what he is saying. His words and actions are all so irrational. I don't know if I am strong enough to wait around for him to get out of this phase and though right now I 100% want my marriage to work I dont know that I wont resent him after what he has done/is doing to me. Also I have been staying buy but honestly it feels so forced at times. All I want is to cuddle and watch a movie with my husband. I feel very hopeless at this point.
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
Oh, I know you feel hopeless. It's the worst feeling.
Do not make any rash decisions right now. Give yourself time.
Have you asked him if he is having an A? What you can say is that you are concerned and you want your marriage to work. Also point out to him that it can't work if he is having an A and you don't want to compete. Plant that seed. Don't cry, plead, threaten or anything of that nature.
It's going to be important that you look safe and sane to him.
The stats on As are that 4% of them last. Then I think out of those 4% who actually marry, 50% of those marriages end in divorce. It's not very promising. NOTHING that starts in deceit can really last. Keep in mind that if he is having an A that it's not a real deal.
Do you have an idea if there is OW?
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
My intuition has been telling me that there is something going on. One day I had his phone and a woman just so happened to email him and say "goodnight babe." What a coincidence right? Prior to this incident I asked him calmly if he was talking to any woman that I didn't know about or ANYTHING and he said no.
At this point I don't know what to believe out of his mouth anymore. He claimed the woman that sent the email; they were just "friends" and that he had confided in her about our marital problems. He said that he didnt tell me about her because he didnt want me to know that he had confided in another woman. I'm sure that he is having an emotional affair at minimum and this separation or divorce is so that he can be free to do whatever he wants to do. Also, just in general he has been becoming more "friendly" with female co-workers; totally disregarding my feelings. He doesn't even respect me anymore. I feel like he just "wants out" and why should I fight for someone who doesn't even care if I am around or not? I go back in forth on whether or not I should DB or just file for divorce. I don't think that he will actually file; he's waiting for me to do it. One good reason to fight would be the unconditional love that I have for him.
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
