Isn't that interesting... I had a different take on that. Not that I'm disagreeing with what you're seeing in it; I'm just seeing something in addition. Here's what I saw...
Originally Posted By: Harrier
She spent about 1 hr on Monday evening emailing...Then she hi-tales it up to bed after she's done. No conversation, no spending any time.
So, why didn't you ask her to spend time with you after, if you were needing some connecting time?
Originally Posted By: Harrier
She has monday's off. She busts her butt to make a lunch with her co-worker (female). Then she has lunch out again with said co-worker on Tuesday. WTF? You think she'd do that for me?
Have you asked her about it and let her know you'd like to do that with her?
Originally Posted By: Harrier
She spends about 1 hr last night texting one of her mentors and her friends instead of interacting with me or our son. At least she stopped when she saw that I was annoyed.
Again, you had a choice here to politely interrupt her texting and ask her if she'd spend some time with you and/or your son instead. And, sorry to say, but acting annoyed about it in the hopes that she'd quit and choose you instead, is kinda passive aggressive.
I guess the trend I'm seeing is that you're not asking for what you want with her. You're not letting your needs be known. Thoughts?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Ding we have a winner Oh yeah. I kinda ignored that. If my W and I were in a better place than I probably would've be okay with what she did and I only got peeved about it when I thought about it later. But we aren't.
The txting thing I was mad at the time. I guess my problem is how to bring this up. I don't necessarily want her to cave but I want her to know how I feel. She's a tough cookie to crack sometimes and I don't know how it would be received.
I think fear sometimes holds me back from communicating some of my needs. But on the other sometimes I think the minor things need not be brought. Probably a good topic for MC tomorrow.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
If my W and I were in a better place than I probably would've be okay with what she did and I only got peeved about it when I thought about it later. But we aren't.
Oh, see I don't know about that... I think lots of couples tend to do that, even when marriages are in that 'better place'. Don't worry that it's because you're not. It's OK to be peeved!! That doesn't mean you're not in a good or improving place.
The problem is just learning how to ask in an assertive, loving way, for what you need in a long term intimate relationship. The longer you're in it, the harder it gets to communicate because you don't want to rock the boat, right? You're saying such similar things that I did... don't want them to cave, but you're mad, but you're afraid of making your needs shown... I can so relate. Try not to look at it too negatively, that your not yet 'in a better place'. I see it is that you ARE in a better place and now your communication skills have to step up accordingly.
I know it's a struggle to have such conflicting emotions and to have the courage to communicate through them ... yes it is a fearful thing wondering how it will be received. I think your MC can be a huge help with this, so be sure to bring it up. Be patient with yourself on this. It takes a long time.
PS - One thing my IC said to me the other day that might help, is that it's can actually be a good thing to learn how to have those conversations on those minor things first. They're less emotionally charged, so they're good 'practice ground' for the 'biggies'. The other thing my IC said to me that really helped was 'practice, practice, practice'. When you're communicating your needs, rehearse what you might say; consider what her reaction might be and think about how you're respond.
Let us know how your MC session goes tomorrow, hey? Stay positive!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I think fear sometimes holds me back from communicating some of my needs.
Fear of what? Upsetting her? I can understand that, but if it is bothering you to the point of bringing it up here, its an issue. Finding a way to bring it up that doesn't seem like an attack to her might be a goal.
You guys are both working toward a better marraige, if she doesn't know about a problem, she cannot address it, and you cannot be mad at her for not fixing an issue she isn't aware of.
Quote:
But on the other sometimes I think the minor things need not be brought.
The minor things can add up. You owe it yourself and her to be honest with your concerns.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Still working through things. As I said the physical affection is still lacking (did get a kiss today before my and my wife ran a 5K) Wife is planning a lot more things that involves just us 2 (w/o kids) Valentines Day - I'm playing hooky and going skiing with her. W's idea. I got here a small heart necklace still undecided if I'm going to give it to her or wait.
However, I probably will make only rare appearances here. During a fight/discussion last week my W mentioned Divorce Busters rather dismissively. I don't know if she visits her or not.
Bolt, XYZ know how hard it can be to go through this. the problem when things are bad expectations are zero. When things improve expectations start to creep in your mind - have to beat them back. :-)
Til next time.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Bolt, XYZ know how hard it can be to go through this. the problem when things are bad expectations are zero. When things improve expectations start to creep in your mind - have to beat them back. :-)
Til next time.
That is the hardest part about this. When the W was ready to leave, I had zero expectations. Now that things are better it DOES creep in there.
You know what I'm doing to make it better? I remember the good things and cherish those. So when an "expectation" isn't met, I remember the other times it was and that comforts me.
When an expectation wasn't met, I would think "OOP! It's over. We can't make it through this." When just the day before or even the MORNING of, there were great signs that we're progressing.
It's hard but it's getting better every day.
My BIGGEST piece of advice is to THINK before doing/saying anything. You will remember the tools that you learned in DBing and put them into practice.
Another thing that I'm now doing until it's part of my being is the first 5 chapters of the Love Dare. Mine's highlighted so I only read my highlighted parts It basically says that TRUE love is patient, kind, thoughtful, unselfish and not irritable. I read those 5 and make them a part of my day. When I don't? I don't follow it. Following those makes me a better person and opens my W up more.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
You're allowed to vent. I have a question though. Do you see a similar theme to these incidents that are bothering you?