Piecing is almost harder than before...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You know what else I've learned? They don't necessarily want us to fix or help with things but just listen. Pretty easy, huh?

And with THAT you are so far ahead of the game.

I forgot about that part Bolt.

When my wife starts to talk about a problem, I listen, after a little while, I simply ask her, are you looking for advice, or are you wanting me to listen?

I have learned, that when women talk about problems, its to figure things out outloud, more often than not, to find a sympathetic ear.

When men talk, its to get advice, because they ran out of ideas, more often than not.

[Bolt]

yep! I've learned this response:
I know how you feel.

or

That stinks.

or

uh huh. (smile)

funny how they all work. I'm sincere about it too. Goes miles.

[Harrier]

Bolt, JTB, XYZ,


Just popping in to add a few things.

1.I think when you are listing to your W, you have to make sure the stock phrases don't sound like stock phrase. For me I always try to use something they said to SHOW I am listening.
Like, "Really, XZY said ABC"

2. Bolt - do not be so eager to ML. Believe me. Two months is nothing. You have kids right? Remember around the time they were born, you did the 2-3 month thing easy. She will come around.
Two weeks ago she was ready to leave. In my situation, bout 6 weeks after my wife dropped the D-bomb, she asked me to ML. Before that I wasn't even thinking about it and I wasn't sure even if I wanted to start up again. It was very far from my mind and I believe my W sense that. Of course,I messed it up and we haven't ML for six weeks.

3. XYZ - Perspective buddy. Enjoy what you have. My W does not say ILY, does not cuddle, does not show any physical affection other than the occasional tap. Yeah it [censored], but I get to see her beautiful face every day and she has told me some nice things.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

How are you doing Harrier?

Hoping all is well man.

[Bolt]

Bolt, JTB, XYZ,


2. Bolt - do not be so eager to ML. Believe me. Two months is nothing. You have kids right? Remember around the time they were born, you did the 2-3 month thing easy. She will come around.
Two weeks ago she was ready to leave. In my situation, bout 6 weeks after my wife dropped the D-bomb, she asked me to ML. Before that I wasn't even thinking about it and I wasn't sure even if I wanted to start up again. It was very far from my mind and I believe my W sense that. Of course,I messed it up and we haven't ML for six weeks.

Thanks for the perspective. You're exactly right. I have to keep looking at where I just was and how things are better.

Heck, just a few days ago, I was asking her to cuddle. Now she does it because she wants to. Big change for sure.

I'll lay off the pressure - on both her and myself.

[XYZ]

Thanks for the assist on this, Harrier. I do need to keep perspective.

It really hit me yesterday the amount of pressure I'm applying to both W and myself.

Things are going well. We're getting along great, having good times. W is starting to talk about events in the future. "Later this year", "when this happens, we'll do such and such..", "At my birthday (in May)...", etc etc. Those are good comments. They show longer term thinking.

But then I give her a sappy Valentines card that was very heart-felt and she says "thanks" and puts it down and walks off. Uggggggh. I wanted to scream and say screw it.

I'm tired of being this sappy, pressure filled guy. Where did my confidence go? Well, I want it back so I'm just going to get it back. I'm done with this crap. Starting now, I'm being me again. Ok, the new me that communicates better, is considerate, keeps W's point of view in mind, but still me. Not this whimpy kid that's just waiting for the girl to like him again anymore.

I've known for a while that I shouldn't be this pressure filled guy, but something snapped. Now I feel like not being it instead of just knowing it. I feel great today. I still want to grab my W and totally rock her world (and guys, you know what I mean here...), but it's ok that I can't. Someday I will...when she's wants her world to be rocked again. Until then, it's all good. Nobody is talking about divorce and both of us are talking about future plans. Isn't that good enough for know?

[Bolt]

DEAD ON!
Are we mirroring our Rs?

That's exactly where we are man. I feel exactly the same.

It seems that we've gotten over the hump of the D talk but we're just working our way to getting better.

XYZ, by the way, this is the way it does work it seems. When I hear from others that if you basically kiss and make up, it doesn't last long term. That's what we have to keep telling ourselves.

Dude, I know exactly what you are feeling. I had a date planned last night where I gave the W the whole day to herself. I went to a friend's house, showered and got ready there to come pick her up at "her" house. I came to the front door with one rose and everything. She dug it. We took a couple's pic which we haven't done in a long time. She looked smoking hot too! She knows how to push my buttons.

Dinner started great. I was asking her questions like, what's your fave movie/music that kind of stuff.

Then we talked about the R. I didn't want to but it turned there. She wants it to work but just doesn't know. What I don't get is the idea that she's not sure she loves me. That's very odd to me because she sure is showing it that she does. I think there's a lot of confusion on what feelings of love are for her.

In the middle of the dinner, I couldn't eat. I wanted to run for the door and say F it. But then we hit a chord. We both agreed to just let it flow and stop constantly analyzing things. I said as long as we are on the path to a happy marriage and will be honest, it will be cool. We agreed and it ended happily.

But XYZ, I'm right there with feeling like I'm walking on eggshells to not tick her off or something stupid. That's not me! I don't want to go to old Bolt but I don't entirely like this new Bolt. I want new Bolt with all of the GOOD qualities of Old Bolt.

Let's help each other through it, man. I'm feeling great today. Got my W fill - she snuggled this morning and I helped her get all of her stuff ready for her Brownie Troop. It felt good being a huge help instead of the normal bump on the log

Stay strong XYZ!!

[XYZ]

I'm with you. Eggshells suck.

[Harrier]

XYZ, Bolt

I think I'm mirroring your Rs as well. I know your pain all too well.

Last Saturday, we were walking in the mall and my W says, "hey, you should take the day off and we should go skiing on Valentines day while the kids are in daycare."
We did today and frankly it was blast. We used to go skiing alot, but haven't in about 7 years. But at times I felt like she was just skiing with her friend instead of her husband. ZERO affection. Same when we got home. We even had about an hour at home with no kids. hmmmmm.

Of course this morning she was walking around in her black underwear. Seriously, why do you do this?

I agree about not wanting to be "that guy" I think for me, for the most part, I am back to the guy that she really feel in love with and has a great time. But I have my moments of weakness. My main issues is that I get really mad when she doesn't show any physical affection. It's okay to be mad at times, but I can't let her see it. I even when so far as to buy an app for my phone that helps me reset.

This is what makes piecing sooooo hard. IMO. I mean when we were dbing, it was easy but painful. What also makes it tough is that at times if feels like it's getting back to a good place and it just reminds me of how things were/can be.

My eggshell phase is kinda fading now. I know what ticks her off. We had a conversation a while back and she said to me that she doesn't expect us to never have fight or to talk about things. It's okay if that happens and it doesn't mean that it will set us back. That took a lot of pressure off me to be perfect and I could be myself more.

I know they don't allow it, but I almost wish I could call one of you when I was having a "moment" to talk me down. It's be kinda nice to have that outlet. This will have to do.

Keep up the good work fellas.

[Bolt]

Well, personally, I'm glad we're in this boat together. I mean, I don't wish any of us were but if we have to, at least we have each other - sounds like a song.

Let me ask you two. What do you mean by no affection? Does she let you touch her? I mean, does she let you hug, cuddle even give her a kiss? or is she just not initiating it?

I ask because my W does. She lets me cuddle and will even roll over and put her arms around me. She one time said to me as I was leaving the room that its ok to come over and give her a kiss.

She has at times initiated giving me a kiss not just when she leaves for work.

We haven't "made out" since before Christmas but she's been affectionate. I'm not sure how to take it to the next level besides completely leaving it in her court. I can be patient during this part and take others' advice.

Is that what you guys are doing?

(ditto on the call - it would allow us to game plan easier and quicker)