Cat, Wow. Very good insight, I really do appreciate you taking the time to give me some feedback. I realize the mother thing was a very stressful piece to my M I always knew that. I think it was a mix of stubbornness, pride, and the feeling that I had of lack of options that is the reason I allowed it to go for so long. At one point since the arguing became more frequent I just kind dug my heals in and decided that W was just being unreasonable, after all she was the problem not me. In order to find that information you must have gone far in my thread, with all the people I appreciate the time.
My list does seem a little rigid I suppose but it does not come from the angle of being domineering it comes from self preservation. I realize that my W will do as she pleases and there is nothing for me left to do but to work on myself and that has been my main focus, along the way though I would lie if I tell you nothing she does effects me, I guess I am not that far along yet. I have looked in the mirror and to acknowledge the areas that I contributed to the M breakdown has been very difficult for me to accept, but they needed to be done.
Quote:
“How was I to tell my H that his mother was doing all of that? It was a very difficult conversation to have and even when we did have it, he did nothing to change it.”
This was me. I heard the complains but did nothing.
Quote:
“I also see you having your "deal breakers". We all have them, but yours, and some of your attitudes seem a bit rigid.
I also see you went through the whole "we made vows" justification period a short while ago. As I was talking to Denver about, we get to a point as LBS, that we hold onto the "vows" with our hurt and anger and they become like our life raft for a while. We use them as a way to say, more should have been done because of the "vows". Personally, I hate them. Because people become complacent after making them. They (not always consciously) come to feel that they made vows, so that gives them the right to do whatever they want and the other person can NEVER leave.”
Yes at first I used the vows as an excuse to begin fighting for my M but the focus has shifted a little. I decide to stand because I love my W and because I realize I felt short in my M and in my commitment to my W. I also believe that M is hard work and I am willing to put in the work to save it. All the work I can put in will mean nothing if I had not taken the time to look in the mirror first. I believe though that it is not unreasonable to have a point that you will not cross. You had yours. If not we are left in a constant state of wishful thinking. Everyone here wants to save their M some will and some will not but in doing so we find ourselves not lose ourselves. I have a hard time with not setting boundaries I still do not know how I would react if one or both of them are crossed, I have dealt with infidelity in my first M and that is probably driving my thought process here.
I hope this makes sense. Again I so much appreciate your insight.
