For those that do not know my story, I have been posting under two topics involving my wife having a long PA with another woman.
The affair was exposed just a few weeks ago. We have since had a couple of couple's therapy sessions. The current plan is to help rebuild our relationship with the ending either including the two of us together or my wife through therapy realizing I cannot meet her needs as a lesbian. We are co-parenting our 6 month old. We get along well. There has been no contact with OW (I hope). She even asked me out to dinner on Friday with our S to celebrate a recent promising job interview.
Right now, I know that she is not in love with me, but we do love each other if that makes sense. I have been fighting of the words "i love you" for obvious reasons that this board and other books have suggested. We are in a very strange position, as we both work through therapy in preparation of my wife to discover her true sexual identity and needs. She is also living at her brother's place down the street, but we see each other and still spend time with each other due to our baby.
So Valentine's Day is around the corner, as I am sure many of you are in similar predicaments. My wife and I have not really been the type that makes reservations at a fancy restaurant and exchanges cheesy gifts. For the last several years, we have actually booked getaways at bed and breakfasts in a nearby town that we both love. This has just been our style or not overdoing the holiday.
I mentioned to her that I would like to do something very casual for Valentine's Day this year. I asked her if she would be interested in just having dinner one night this week. It doesn't even have to be Valentine's Day. She said that she would think about it. I am thinking very low key (maybe even with our baby in tow) like this past Friday.
I often do little things to wife to express love, and this has not stopped since our bomb. Maybe this is a bad thing, but it is difficult when this has I have always treated her. I recently bought her a song book for guitar. My wife plays and sings like a bird (one of the first things I became smitten by with her). She sings children's songs to our six month old, but she has not played her guitar in some time. I found a great song book for her where she could play the songs she has been singing to our boy. I figured it would be a nice little Valentine gift for her. Something simple but from the heart.
I also picked her out a card today that was less lovey than all of the others that professed an undying love to a loved one. This had a picture of her favorite flower (Gerber daisy) on the front. The inscription:
"We take time out of our bust lives to celebrate good news, special days, and fresh starts. We put everything else on hold to talk through problems, worries, and every what-if. We get together to talk, laugh, and eat things with lots of calories. And we're always there for each other. That's just the way it is. And the way it will always be. Happy Valentine's Day."
I was thinking of keeping my extra comments short. In our past, we would fill greeting cards with our thoughts in every available space. These were given not only on holidays, but whenever we messed up or were just thankful for each other.
Do you think this would be appropriate in my situation? I am completely in love with my wife, but I know I need to keep my emotions in check for a bit. Anybody have any suggestions on what to include or not to include in my message on the card? Anybody think I should scrap the plan all together?
Would love some guidance. I am pretty desperate right now. Thanks!
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
oh yeah! I am double whammy'd today but I'm trying not to think about it.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Double whammy is right. I just want to make sure that I am not putting my wife in an uncomfortable position, since this is so new. I tried to go sentimental instead of romantic. Is this the right move? Should I avoid the words "i love you" completely from my personal message in the card?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
To be honest V-Day has never really been a big deal with my W. Although she loves flowers - she thinks it's silly to waste money since they die, chocolates are great - but nobody wants to eat them and gain weight, lingerie - never been good, because no matter how many times you tell them or try to show them, she doesn't like her body.
So I went out and made little V-Day grab bags for my 3 girls (didn't tell the W) and put them out on the kitchen table before I went to work. I thought maybe I'd get a call this morning, but nothing.
I really doubt my W feels any connectin to the day itself, but for me it's just another reminder of what I've lost.
...and seeing all of the advertising...is just torturing me!!
It's just 1 day, heck I got through my anniversay...I can make it through today!
BITS SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Double whammy is right. I just want to make sure that I am not putting my wife in an uncomfortable position, since this is so new. I tried to go sentimental instead of romantic. Is this the right move? Should I avoid the words "i love you" completely from my personal message in the card?
Yes Sparks, I would.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
It's hard here today too. Anniversary, married on Monday in 1983. My kids want Dad home badly, as do I.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
