Denver...I felt like I had to save face...I had made several bad choices in my life that DBing showed me...when it was brought up that my ex had an affair (my trump card) and I had done all this hard work...
I thought...crap...if I take him back I am being a doormat (boundaries I was working on) and I need to show I can take care of myself (self-esteem that I was working on)
My fear of other people questioning was certainly a pride thing but also a truth thing...what if they knew more than I did...I was fresh to DBing you know, maybe this DB stuff was what successful relationships had all along...
It took hard work for me to hear my own voice among the rumbles of everything else
I try to look at things this way... broken vows are broken vows...there is no level for which is worse...no justifications so to speak
it is broken...no matter who did what
you can try and piece them together with bits and pieces from both of you or you can start fresh...with well thought out, sincere vows
Cori and I, having been through what we have been through individually and now together made some simple yet "to the core" vows
We have vowed to show each other every day how much we care...big gestures are not the way to go...small ones...kisses in the morning, coffee made, hearts in the steam on the mirror, holding hands, taking those 10 seconds to say I love you while looking into each other's eyes.... we have vowed to respect each other and to speak up when we feel that is slipping... to do the hard work without blame
we vowed to not bring up old arguments...old ones are done and are in the past...
so you can hang onto the broken vows you have with your wife that it sounds like both of you broke in your own way (see...there is no level of who broke worse here...they are just broken) and expectt he other oen to try to put back together these broken vows (which no one can really do because only you know how those pieces fit together)
or
you can make new vows...ones that speak to you both...that are unique to you
(for example...I have a flagging self-esteem...I try very hard but I fail at feeling pretty....Cori knows this so he vowed to remind me everyday how beautiful he thinks I am...he does this not just by telling me but by showing me too...he never looks at other women in "that" way, he never mentions the hot babe in the movie...I am not dumb, I know they are there but he never does anything to shake my self-esteem...vows are WORDS AND ACTIONS)
whatever the choice...it has to be a deliberate one...not just one because you think it is the right thing to do
