You sound a bit discouraged 2Step. I really don't think that you should be. I think that her actions right now are to be expected. Remember, she is working through things too. You have to give her the time and space to do it. I have a really strong feeling that you are NOT 'out of sight out of mind'.
Stay positive and KNOW that you are making progress... even if it seems that you're not.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I guess I am in my weekend funk. When we have these conversations that are so good and then she goes dark I start to think."man what happened? my goal was to make her feel good when we spoke and I think I did it. Now why won't she text or call?"
This happens every weekend. I freaking hate Sat and Sun which really irritates me because I use to love my weekends. Also D see's the hurt in my eyes and that bothers me also. She told me tonight I have been sad since W left.
I guess I am in my weekend funk. When we have these conversations that are so good and then she goes dark I start to think."man what happened? my goal was to make her feel good when we spoke and I think I did it. Now why won't she text or call?"
This happens every weekend. I freaking hate Sat and Sun which really irritates me because I use to love my weekends. Also D see's the hurt in my eyes and that bothers me also. She told me tonight I have been sad since W left.
Discouraged? Yeah I guess you can say that.
2, Denver hit the nail on the head. I can't really add to that because he said everything I would. I know you hate Sat and Sun. and you are limited as to what you can do because of D. Me too as you know. All we can do is keep trying to GAL the best we can under the circumstances. You have a "sponsor" of sorts now and don't hesitate to reach out anytime; seriously.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
There is nothing that I can say to reverse your discouraged feelings is there 2Step?
I know, bc I have been there... many, many times.
And I agree... weekends blow since my W left me. I used to enjoy them and think that they were always way too short to fit everything in that I wanted to do.
Now? I can't find anything to do!! WTF?! W here in my home and I can't find time to spend with her and SS... and now, W gone, and I can't find anything to do! Strange what a little perspective will do for a person.
Anyway, you need to get your head up. I really, truly, and honestly don't think that you have any reason to be discouraged with your progress right now.
REMEMBER the 2 major tenets of DBing... TIME & PATIENCE my friend.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
2step, the weekend funk is a mother and I think it gets to all of us. Hell, I spent the majority of this weekend in bed. I should have never put a 37" plasma in my bedroom. It makes it too easy to just lay there hour after hour when I am not mentally well.
Hey, Monday is almost here and you are the Jedi Master right now. I think Denver is right. Her actions are to be expected. She is probably still fixated on the whole "not giving you false hope" thing. But remember what my C said. Many times when they say stuff like that aloud, it is not being said for you. It is being said for them to hear. She is probably the one that doesn't want to get her hopes up. See?
Hang in there.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I read your request for me to take a look at your sitch.
I would like to clarify one misunderstanding first. I am NOT a WAS. I am a LBS. My H is in his second period of MLC. The first was many years ago and after two years of his spew, I let him go. I just couldn't take anymore. It brought about his return and some good years. Then the MLC monster returned, and I stood for my M for almost 3 years. In that time, through healing and reflection, I realized that my stand was more for me than it was for my M. I did not outlast his MLC, which for us LBS in MLC is the goal. I did everything that I could. I stood on and off for 12 years. I realize what drove me to letting go the first time (anger and frustration) and this time, I did it very differently. With love, compassion, and a very good understanding of him, me, the MLC monster, the roles each of us had in all of this and what I wanted for my life. And where each of us still was in our individual journeys. It took all of that for me to decide that my stand was over. What I went through, is very very different than what a WAS experiences.
What I see in your sitch, what I will comment on, comes from all of that understanding, from a woman's perspective, but definately not from the mind of a WAS.
Having your mother live with you, even if it wasn't your idea, I can understand what your W felt. Sandi has given you a good idea of what that feels like. I went through the same thing. My MIL was my best friend, until she lived with us. We no longer speak. We haven't since 2007. I have no desire for that relationship to continue. This was MY house. MY home. MY family. She came in here and attempted to be the mother. The wife. To all of us. My H, myself, and our S. She did the laundry, went to the grocery store, cooked before I got home from work. Basically, she took my roles away from me and I had nothing left to do. She overrode my decisions regarding my S. Brought food into the house that I never would have purchased and had asked her not to (we were eating all organic and homemade at the time, nothing processed or premade) I had managed to raise my S to the age of 12, with little problem, when she moved in. Even he hated it after a while. His words to me were "Mom, I feel like grandma is trying to take your place." It is not something that I will repeat in a future relationship.
Was it a reason for me to leave my H?
It could have become one. If his crisis hadn't hit, if I hadn't gotten so sick that I couldn't handle any more stress, if she hadn't gone off the rocker, had a temper tantrum and left my S home alone with no warning not knowing if another adult was going to be home that night or not, (H and I work jobs that require us to be out overnight sometimes) and angered me so much that I told her to leave (which did create an issue with my H, but he was already gone in his brain anyway), then, yes, I can see how it could have caused me to walk away at some point.
How was I to tell my H that his mother was doing all of that? It was a very difficult conversation to have and even when we did have it, he did nothing to change it.
Somewhere in there, I am sure that there are things that you could have done differently to support your W instead of leaving her out in the dust so to speak. Even though your mom is not there anymore, that may be something to take a look in the mirror at.
I also see you having your "deal breakers". We all have them, but yours, and some of your attitudes seem a bit rigid.
I also see you went through the whole "we made vows" justification period a short while ago. As I was talking to Denver about, we get to a point as LBS, that we hold onto the "vows" with our hurt and anger and they become like our life raft for a while. We use them as a way to say, more should have been done because of the "vows". Personally, I hate them. Because people become complacent after making them. They (not always consciously) come to feel that they made vows, so that gives them the right to do whatever they want and the other person can NEVER leave.
Because of VOWS.
Words.
Simple words that are said on a day when we are feeling wonderful and warm in our relationship, when we have been treated lovingly and we think that will continue forever.
When things change, we look back to those words and believe me our spouses do too before they decide to leave anyway, and we hang onto those words. And we wonder why they didn't do the same.
They are just words. What did your actions show over years to back up those words that were said on that one day?
2step, my best advice to you right now, is to keep DBing. Look in that mirror, change what you need to change for you, and kill whatever you have to within yourself to make the changes stick. Get rid of the "so be it" attitude that you had when you got here. Learn how to forgive, her and yourself. GAL, so your weekends don't get you into a funk as much as they still seem too. And stop looking to your W for the answers. She is still figuring it out.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I wouldn't be discouraged at all. I think that you are mostly on the right path with your thinking but then you get the weekends to talk yourself out of the good of your situation. Please, for the love of God, write down the good things that have happened in a notebook. Keep it as a reminder.
So... obviously just like the rest of you, I'm an LBS. But, I still got myself into a situation at home where roommate kind of took over some of my roles and I became resentful. More and more, I was cut out of the picture. More and more, I retreated to a shell of me. Finally, the breakdown of my M happened. And finally, I had enough and practically told my H to leave. He wanted back a week later because he didn't want to leave in the first place. But it was me who sent him out the door. I got to the point where I just wanted to do everything on my own. And sometimes when he tried to do something for me (before you guys whacked me with the 2x4's) I would even resent that. And I wanted my M back!!! I got to a point, though, 2Step where I finally had to convince myself that I would be fine on my own. I could drive in the snow, take care of my own health issues, lose a ton of weight, make new friends, pay the bills and I didn't need anyone to help me. While empowering, it is still a bit of an illusion (everyone needs help) and takes on a life of its own. My H can probably count on one hand the number of phone calls I've initiated in the last 3 months. The same can probably be said about texts. Almost every conversation was initiated by him especially as the months wore on.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I really believe that this is the mode that your W is in. I think that she is just as conflicted as I find myself. She wants to prove something to herself and probably to you too. She also probably wants to break out of this pattern a bit (why do you think she called with the book???) but she doesn't know how. Heck, I have the same question on my own thread. How do you move from independent and shielded from the hurt back to interdependent but open to the hurt. It's just not that easy. But I believe it's part of the issue and I think she needs your help. Now, unlike me, she holds the cards. So, I get that this is still quite a bit different from my situation.
2, I think that you have made great baby steps with your W since you joined these boards. Look at all the text msgs you have had with her, conversations and she even joined you for a DB'g session. I would kill to have even remotely that much contact with my H at this juncture.
LIS made a valid point. I think all of us as LBS and our WAS are all very conflicted. If we weren't why would be on this board and use DB'g as our bible? Everyone needs to get to a calmer place in their own way and time. We got jump started because our S left. It was the kick in the a$$ we needed and for some of us, it came with a huge cost.
Continue to give her the space she needs to emotionally catch up with you. The closer you both start to get in that regard, the easier it will be to reconnect. Even if the D goes thru, I don't think it will be the end of your story with her. It will be a new beginning. You can both come back stronger than ever.
Stay positive. Sending good vibes. You are an inspiration to your fellow BITS.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Cat, Wow. Very good insight, I really do appreciate you taking the time to give me some feedback. I realize the mother thing was a very stressful piece to my M I always knew that. I think it was a mix of stubbornness, pride, and the feeling that I had of lack of options that is the reason I allowed it to go for so long. At one point since the arguing became more frequent I just kind dug my heals in and decided that W was just being unreasonable, after all she was the problem not me. In order to find that information you must have gone far in my thread, with all the people I appreciate the time.
My list does seem a little rigid I suppose but it does not come from the angle of being domineering it comes from self preservation. I realize that my W will do as she pleases and there is nothing for me left to do but to work on myself and that has been my main focus, along the way though I would lie if I tell you nothing she does effects me, I guess I am not that far along yet. I have looked in the mirror and to acknowledge the areas that I contributed to the M breakdown has been very difficult for me to accept, but they needed to be done.
Quote:
“How was I to tell my H that his mother was doing all of that? It was a very difficult conversation to have and even when we did have it, he did nothing to change it.”
This was me. I heard the complains but did nothing.
Quote:
“I also see you having your "deal breakers". We all have them, but yours, and some of your attitudes seem a bit rigid.
I also see you went through the whole "we made vows" justification period a short while ago. As I was talking to Denver about, we get to a point as LBS, that we hold onto the "vows" with our hurt and anger and they become like our life raft for a while. We use them as a way to say, more should have been done because of the "vows". Personally, I hate them. Because people become complacent after making them. They (not always consciously) come to feel that they made vows, so that gives them the right to do whatever they want and the other person can NEVER leave.”
Yes at first I used the vows as an excuse to begin fighting for my M but the focus has shifted a little. I decide to stand because I love my W and because I realize I felt short in my M and in my commitment to my W. I also believe that M is hard work and I am willing to put in the work to save it. All the work I can put in will mean nothing if I had not taken the time to look in the mirror first. I believe though that it is not unreasonable to have a point that you will not cross. You had yours. If not we are left in a constant state of wishful thinking. Everyone here wants to save their M some will and some will not but in doing so we find ourselves not lose ourselves. I have a hard time with not setting boundaries I still do not know how I would react if one or both of them are crossed, I have dealt with infidelity in my first M and that is probably driving my thought process here.
I hope this makes sense. Again I so much appreciate your insight.
