From the Darkness Comes the Light!

[cat04]

2Step,

I read your request for me to take a look at your sitch.

I would like to clarify one misunderstanding first. I am NOT a WAS. I am a LBS. My H is in his second period of MLC. The first was many years ago and after two years of his spew, I let him go. I just couldn't take anymore. It brought about his return and some good years. Then the MLC monster returned, and I stood for my M for almost 3 years. In that time, through healing and reflection, I realized that my stand was more for me than it was for my M. I did not outlast his MLC, which for us LBS in MLC is the goal. I did everything that I could. I stood on and off for 12 years. I realize what drove me to letting go the first time (anger and frustration) and this time, I did it very differently. With love, compassion, and a very good understanding of him, me, the MLC monster, the roles each of us had in all of this and what I wanted for my life. And where each of us still was in our individual journeys. It took all of that for me to decide that my stand was over. What I went through, is very very different than what a WAS experiences.

What I see in your sitch, what I will comment on, comes from all of that understanding, from a woman's perspective, but definately not from the mind of a WAS.

Having your mother live with you, even if it wasn't your idea, I can understand what your W felt. Sandi has given you a good idea of what that feels like. I went through the same thing. My MIL was my best friend, until she lived with us. We no longer speak. We haven't since 2007. I have no desire for that relationship to continue. This was MY house. MY home. MY family. She came in here and attempted to be the mother. The wife. To all of us. My H, myself, and our S. She did the laundry, went to the grocery store, cooked before I got home from work. Basically, she took my roles away from me and I had nothing left to do. She overrode my decisions regarding my S. Brought food into the house that I never would have purchased and had asked her not to (we were eating all organic and homemade at the time, nothing processed or premade) I had managed to raise my S to the age of 12, with little problem, when she moved in. Even he hated it after a while. His words to me were "Mom, I feel like grandma is trying to take your place." It is not something that I will repeat in a future relationship.

Was it a reason for me to leave my H?

It could have become one. If his crisis hadn't hit, if I hadn't gotten so sick that I couldn't handle any more stress, if she hadn't gone off the rocker, had a temper tantrum and left my S home alone with no warning not knowing if another adult was going to be home that night or not, (H and I work jobs that require us to be out overnight sometimes) and angered me so much that I told her to leave (which did create an issue with my H, but he was already gone in his brain anyway), then, yes, I can see how it could have caused me to walk away at some point.

How was I to tell my H that his mother was doing all of that? It was a very difficult conversation to have and even when we did have it, he did nothing to change it.

Somewhere in there, I am sure that there are things that you could have done differently to support your W instead of leaving her out in the dust so to speak. Even though your mom is not there anymore, that may be something to take a look in the mirror at.

I also see you having your "deal breakers". We all have them, but yours, and some of your attitudes seem a bit rigid.

I also see you went through the whole "we made vows" justification period a short while ago. As I was talking to Denver about, we get to a point as LBS, that we hold onto the "vows" with our hurt and anger and they become like our life raft for a while. We use them as a way to say, more should have been done because of the "vows". Personally, I hate them. Because people become complacent after making them. They (not always consciously) come to feel that they made vows, so that gives them the right to do whatever they want and the other person can NEVER leave.

Because of VOWS.

Words.

Simple words that are said on a day when we are feeling wonderful and warm in our relationship, when we have been treated lovingly and we think that will continue forever.

When things change, we look back to those words and believe me our spouses do too before they decide to leave anyway, and we hang onto those words. And we wonder why they didn't do the same.

They are just words. What did your actions show over years to back up those words that were said on that one day?

2step, my best advice to you right now, is to keep DBing. Look in that mirror, change what you need to change for you, and kill whatever you have to within yourself to make the changes stick. Get rid of the "so be it" attitude that you had when you got here. Learn how to forgive, her and yourself. GAL, so your weekends don't get you into a funk as much as they still seem too. And stop looking to your W for the answers. She is still figuring it out.