Not Sure Which Way to Go

[downandoutintn]

Well last night was another "fun filled" night. I once again got stuck in the snow. Looks like I am going to be getting a 4 wheel drive or something. The W and my boys ended up staying at the house so they wouldn't have to go home on the treacherous roads they live on, and it looks like they may stay again tonight. The night before they ended up staying at FIL's house and D2 couldn't sleep over there, it is a pretty packed house.

This morning we just kind of hung out like nothing was going on. She slept until 9a this morning which she said was the longest she slept. I pretty much just cleaned the house all morning and we talked and what not. Didn't really talk about any thing. She brought up the D a few times but I acknowledged it and acted like I am cool with it.

She seems to be really excited about the apartment and I am truly glad for her. I want her to get some independence. As long as we have been moved out, we have lived together, so it will at least be a little bit of a change for a while.

The only thing about the relationship I asked her about was why she keeps asking if I have someone else. She said the card that I gave her was a little weird so she just wondered. I told her with the card, I wanted to acknowledge our anniversary without being too over bearing.

I'm kind of hopeful that they stay for a little while before moving into the apartment. It will be a lot easier for her to see changes here than it will miles away, plus it is great having my kids here.

Since I had told her the other night how she really made feel so small, when I got stuck in the snow, I have noticed her kind of backing off me with that stuff.

Now back to reading so I can get my wife and kids back!

Hope all of you are having a great day!

[downandoutintn]

I have still be having some emotional ups and downs. This has been a rough/frustrating week. I have started detaching. I don't call her unless it relates to the kids. I have noticed a few small steps on her end such as compliments. Also there has been a couple of times that she has asked if I have someone else. So I have a couple of questions for you guys. I am trying to see the small steps that she may be taking.

1. Is her asking me if I have someone else a true gesture that she still cares or; if I have somebody, a way for her to justify her OM?

2. I had a rough week with getting stuck in the snow. She was the first one to try to help me out. Is this a sign that she still cares?

I have made it to the part of DR about LRT and I am going to start the techniques that are taught in there tomorrow. I am going to completely detach myself and start making myself more unavailable to her. I have done some of this I have started seeing signs of her wondering what I am doing. Hopefully the weather will stay nice so the boys and I can get out and enjoy outside some.

What are some signs that you guys have seen your S do once you started to detach?

Hope everyone's sitch is getting better day by day and hopefully what is best for each of you guys works out.

Every tomorrow is a new beginning! So wake up with a smile. I will!

[downandoutintn]

One more thing I just thought about. She keeps bringing up the D and the M and the negatives of it all completely unprovoked. Can someone please give me tips on how to sidestep this convo? It seems like she constantly trying to do the same things that I did to her in the beginning except the complete opposite. I was trying to talk her into the reconciliation and she is trying to tell me all the reasons we shouldn't be together. Does that make sense?

Any way I would like to know some of the things you guys did to keep your S from focusing on the negatives.

[downandoutintn]

Nothing to really update at this point. Those questions are still lingering though. If anyone has some feedback for a db newbie it would be great!

[downandoutintn]

Well today W and I had to go to court to deal with the financial situation of all of this. She rode with me downtown (she is scared to drive in big city traffic). When we left the courthouse she wanted to take the long way home so we did. We hung out like really nothing is happening. It was very nice to get to hang out with my best friend again. I know I can't put too much into it.

She brought up the R a few times but nothing to really even mention, but from what she mentioned she is dead set on it. I told her I understood and that I thought we needed the separation.

On the way home we stopped to see my other best friend who passed away almost 8 years ago. She said she wanted us to go see him together one last time. Probably not the best thing for us to do since I am supposed to be keeping positive but I hadn't been there in a long time.

It is so amazing how the emotions of the D are so similar to losing him. The only difference is I know I can't see him again and I can see her but can't have her. (at least for now) I really feel like I am reliving him passing again but this time it is her. When I went to the MC, I told her that and she said she was glad I had said that. She said it is a very similar situation. I think the D is so much harder to deal with emotionally.

I made a few slip ups when she brought up the subject. I told her that I thought the separation was good for the both of us and that maybe one day we may be able to work things out once both of have time to grow.

We went to her Nanny's house to pick up our youngest son and when we were about to leave her Nanny told W that she was so mad at her because we were splitting up. I feel so bad because her whole family is on my side. When we got in the car she said everybody in on "Team down (insert real name here)". I told her that everybody is not on my side they just don't want to see us split up. I said D is a hard thing to deal with and they just hate to see us go through it.

All in all it was a pretty good day with no fighting at all and that was the best part.

[downandoutintn]

Well I just had a slip up. I had a dream last night that she told me that OM asked her to marry her and she said yes.

I couldn't fight the urge to ask if she had been going to the OM house. It has been driving me nuts and then this dream pushed me over the edge.

We pretty much haven't talked since we had to go to court.

Well I asked her over text and she said she hasnt been over to his house or out on a date or anything like that with him.

I didn't tell her I was sorry but told her I didn't want to bother her with it but the dream was too much to hold back and that she should understand. (she always had dreams about me cheating on her) She seemed cool once I said that and I told her I hope she has a good rest of the day. She said "U2 :)"

Hopefully I can get some response.

I know I shouldn't have asked her about OM but I am only human and I know it was a mistake but I feel like this time I was able to get an answer without making her angry. A rarity or maybe a small step? It seems like this maybe a small step.

When I don't have the kids, I have been going out with friends and doing some shopping. Also, I have been making sure I am keeping my appearance taken care of. Also, I really haven't been contacting her unless it is about the kids. (minus this set back.)

Is there anyone else, that during this process, you didn't feel like you had anything to talk about with your S? It is really like I don't even know my W anymore.

[JustStunned]

DnOinTN, Welcome. I am not a vet here. I am just trying to make my way also. What follows is all IMO:

Bring up all the negatives in the R is a way of reinforcing her decision to end the R. Did you validate her feelings and apologize?

Asking about another women is a way of releasing her guilt and justifies moving on.

You need to work on you. Read DR again. Stop trying to fix the R. The R is done. You need to fix you first. Then maybe build a new R. I know with W. This is my hope too, but first fix you then build.

What are your 180s? Cleaning? What others? These are complete reverses of things your W hated in the R. Make a list. Do not share the list with anyone. While you cannot control others you can ask family to give you and W time and space. Dial the pressure down to 0. The more pressure the farther and faster W runs.

Detach, you seem too involved in the emotions of your sitch. Go dark. You have small children limit your interactions with W to what is good for the kids. Discussing the state of the MR or reconciliation is not in the kids best interest now. Kids pickup on our emotions pretty well, feeling the tension between M & D is not helpful for them.

What are you doing for GAL? These are things you do for you, to help you detach, distract you from the drama, improve your outlook. These should make you a happier more confident person. Do not put your GAL on a billboard for W to see. Just do them. Include the kids in this.

Establish short term action oriented goals. I struggle with this, but it gets easier.

Go back and read what Sandi and Awoken posted. They are vets and their advice is sound.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Any way I would like to know some of the things you guys did to keep your S from focusing on the negatives.

You can't. All you can do is validate their feelings.
Say "I can see how you could have thought that"

How do you argue with someone who's agreeing with you? You can't.

Women want to be heard, not fixed.


They way they view the M is their own reality. It's what their chosing to see. From my experiance it's a way for thewm to justify their decision to end the M.
We all have our own reality. How we view it may be totally different than someone else's view.


Focus on what you can control.

[downandoutintn]

Juststunned
I have stopped fighting her completely. There has been a couple of times she has come at me and tried to fight like we would have previously. Everytime I have said to her I am not going to fight you and that I understand where she is coming from and those types of thing. The best part about it is when I say "I understand" I really do understand why she has the feelings she does. It makes it a lot easier to not fight with her when I truly understand. One question for you though. So her asking about me seeing other people is just a way for her not to feel guilty about the OM?

As far as GAL I have been going and hanging out with friends I had lost connection with over the years since I had let that go when we were together. I have really maintaining my appearence. I had let it slip over the years and now that I have the means I have been doing some shopping and get my appearence the way I want to be. I always put my family first a let my clothing get out of style. The main thing I am doing is getting my life back on track financially and getting this situated so when/if we D then I am prepared.

gr8 day,
Thanks for the insight that is the type of stuff I am looking for. I understand the concepts and have been trying to read as many posts as possible to pick up on some of it but I am in a "bind for time". I have to get the ball rolling quickly.

[JustStunned]

DnOinTN, IMO yes and for the drama created with the family. JMO