Well, a while back, I posted a couple of times on different threads that there are two types of divorce: 1) legal, and 2) emotional... I was recently reminded quite nicely by Cat about the whole emotional divorce thing. Apparently, I had it in my mind that you had to have a legal divorce BEFORE you could have an emotional D, but not the other way around. My W divorced me emotionally weeks before she even left our home. I see that now.
The question is how do you feel about it? You are NOT legally D'd... do you feel emotionally divorced from your H? It does not sound like it to me. And I think the fact that you are here on this forum should speak volumes to where you are at with that.
Plus, many times, there are religious beliefs to be considered. My W and I, not so much. How about with you?
Ultimately, it is your call. Only you can decide when you have had enough and are done. You control this Scylia.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks grr... I know that you are right. And ultimately, I don't care. These are immature concerns that I've always had. I'm trying to deal with them, but figured that I might as well put it out there... since I've put everything else out there!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, We all try to be upbeat and positive on here. But, brother, you are correct on two very big points and I would fight to the death to back you on this.
1) The jack*ss is a predator. And like any predator in the wild, he better remember that there is always a larger fish in the sea waiting for his chump-*ss around the next corner. You don't mess with another person's spouse ESPECIALLY in a situation like this. It is too bad public hangings are no longer allowed because this piece of sh*t would be a great candidate.
2) You W does feel guilt and it shoul eat her alive. If I were you, I would do nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to relieve her of this guilt. Don't pour it on and don't make it worse, but you let her carry this cross for a spell. You may have forced her to leave, but you didn't lock her naked in a room with this guy. She did that all on her own. And, yes, she was hiding it and she knew that was wrong. When my W got home from Canada, she suddenly after three years changed the password to our on-line cellular account. Hmmmm, I wonder why? Because she did not want me to see the 300 messages she exchanged with her new "friend." Worst part is that when I was upset and doing more snooping than I should, I found "Mr. Canada's" FB page. He is listed as "being in a relationship." So, this Nobel Prize Winner is apparently messing over some poor woman up there while he is carrying on with my W. What a fine, upstanding individual he is?!?!? This tool isn't worth the price of the bullet that someone should put in him. DBmod, I promise I am not going to do anything. Just some "talk" here, nothing else.
Sorry for all the "piss and vinegar" here, but these two topics still get me a bit fired up and you should not have to apologize to anyone if this is the way you feel.
Hope I didn't whip you up into a frenzy with this. Like I told MJ, I don't think anyone should be taking any advice from me right now considering my currently mental state.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Well, a while back, I posted a couple of times on different threads that there are two types of divorce: 1) legal, and 2) emotional... I was recently reminded quite nicely by Cat about the whole emotional divorce thing. Apparently, I had it in my mind that you had to have a legal divorce BEFORE you could have an emotional D, but not the other way around. My W divorced me emotionally weeks before she even left our home. I see that now.
He divorced me emotionally a long time ago. I love the guy, the real him under all that anger and resentment and detachment, yet at the same time. I don't know he's worth my energy anymore. Our marriage wasn't that great in retrospect and I was neglected.
The question is how do you feel about it? You are NOT legally D'd... do you feel emotionally divorced from your H? It does not sound like it to me. And I think the fact that you are here on this forum should speak volumes to where you are at with that. True. I do care for him. True I want to save my marriage because I know intellectually what lies ahead isn't peaches and cream and smooth sailing either.
Plus, many times, there are religious beliefs to be considered. My W and I, not so much. How about with you? I am coming to believe marriage is a sacred convenant. I neve did in the past. H ...was religiously abused and I really don't know what he thinks, but given his actions...do the math.
Ultimately, it is your call. Only you can decide when you have had enough and are done. You control this Scylia.
Only to a point. If he truly meant he's done and finished, then there is nothing I can do. I can only do what I'm doing now and that's to try to make a life for myself and my kids without him in it. BITS Denver
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BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
No FOBD... I'm sorry I whipped you into a frenzy man! LOL...
No, thanks for the support with those things. Someone questioned me calling OM a predator... that whipped me into a frenzy.
Listen, everyone, I am taking my hits for how I treated my W. I'm doing my best to work on my issues that caused that. But we are taught very early in our lives that two wrongs do not make a right. I don't think what my W did was right. I am accepting that it probably is forgivable and excusable considering my actions and KNOWING that my W would never have had done this but for feeling extremely abused emotionally. That's my bad. I get it. But her actions are NOT justified.
Forgiving and excusing someone is recognizing that the action was wrong, but that there were reasons for it. Beating the crap out of someone bc they hurt your child is forgivable and excusable. You are still, most likely going to get charged criminally for assault though. You just might not go to jail bc the judge will say that there was a valid excuse and therefore forgive you to a degree.
Justifying an action is saying that the action wasn't wrong. Killing someone bc they are threatening your life is self defense... it is a justifiable action. You will not get charged for killing that person.
See the difference with what I'm saying?
That is how I'm able to look at my situation. No more, no less. Not sure anyone can convince me that my w's actions are justifiable.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Only you can answer these questions Scylia. I would love to be able to give you the magic elixir here. It sounds to me that you have some seriously soul searching to do right now.
The advice that I'd give you... do what is best for Scylia... take the road that is going to make Scylia have a happy future.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
The only question that leaves me with is this... if an 'emotional divorce' is all that is needed to relieve someone from living up to their marriage vows, then why do we have marriage at all? Why not just an "emotional marriage"? I mean, I guess these are all really just words that we use... but what do M vows mean if it is as simple to say... "I'm now divorced so I don't have to live up to what I promised you" ??
But now, those vows mean very much to me. I want them to mean something. I want them to mean something to my W.
This is a big fear of mine, Denver. When I made mistakes in the past, I felt terrible because I always wanted to FULLY live up to my vows. It was important to me. But for the W that can walk away and break every vow possible ... how much can the vows really mean to a woman like that? How could it really be that different in the future?
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
I know Denver. I'm struggling with it, I really am.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
One more thing Denver ....... you're going to be OK! We are with you!!
Take some time, process this, talk it out with us ... but you will be fine. I wouldn't be in a hurry get get W back in the house yet if I were you. You're both going to need some time and space to see what pieces are left if you decide to go that route.
We're here with you.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
