The unexamined life is not worth living

[Denver_2010]

Maybe I seemed callous to you. I didn't mean to be. But the way I read your story, your wife took a lot of abuse from you. You turned her out of the house and your marriage long before she sought comfort from another man. Really, what did you expect her to do? She's young, attractive, and abused at home. When she tries to move on and have a new life, that makes her a cheater? And he's a predator? I see self-preservation written all over her actions.

I can take it Lotus. I read your post during a wave of anger that I was feeling off and on this weekend. I haven't felt much anger during the entire course of my situation until I learned everything about OM. But I don't need all of the response to my posts to be sugar coated jingles about how everything is going to be just fine with my sitch. So your point is taken.

And yes, I am working on accepting that my W's actions were, in large part, self-preservation. What I don't necessarily agree with it is that it just justifies the behavior. And quite frankly, I don't think that, deep down, my W believes that either. What I found out about OM the other night explained to me why my W was unable to look me in the eyes during the first few times that we began to have more face to face contact. Why couldn't she look me in the eyes? Bc she knows, deep down, that her actions were wrong. Maybe they are excusable, but they are not justified. There is a difference.

And YES, absolutely Yes... OM is a predator. There is NOTHING that justifies HIS behavior. NOTHING. You do not mess with and get involved with another man's W. It IS just this simple. And you certainly do not get involved with a woman who is M'd and has an 11 year old son. What?! He thinks that he knows my W for 2 months and he's just going to step in and replace me in my SS's mind?? That is truly messed up!!! I simply do not see how you can possibly defend OM's behavior. My W, yes. Not the OM. He is a predator and should be ashamed of himself. And like I said, he deserves to have a good a$s beating. Not saying that would be right, I'm just saying... he deserves it.

As for your changes, that's great. You've been trying them out at home, and on this board, and being a great guy with your wife from a distance. And she has noticed the changes.

But all of that is rehearsal. You haven't done it for real, in the marriage, day in and day out yet. And that's where the rubber meets the road. The only changes that matter for repairing your marriage are the ones that she experiences. I have to agree with 2step. You've set the stage, you've done your rehearsal, and maybe you'll get the part in this show. The real work is yet to begin.

Point WELL taken. I think that you are right about this. I know that the real work has only just begun. However, I will tell you that my heart and soul is into making sure that I NEVER repeat the mistakes that I have made with my W. She is too good of a person for me to ever take advantage of her like I did for so long.