Positively moving forward

[ClingingToHope]

The bank doesn't care at all about a divorce. He may be off the title but unless you refinance he'll still be on the loan. A bank wants its money. If you all of a sudden take off, they'll go after him for it.

[awest1217]

I hear you CTH, but according to the bank (and this surprised me) they said there is extra paperwork I can have signed so they couldn't go after H. The honest truth is I am and have been helping H's credit. I pay everything on time and pay a little extra every month. This all helps him.

You have to remember CTH, that my H is not a responsible father. He is not just barely making ends meat because of getting this divorce. He spend 18 months with only a $200 college loan and 5 of those months never paid me a dime. He could have been saving. He could have paid of the college loan by now so that he had no debt at all when this was all over. He wasted his money.

This is the man who went to Disney World over Father's day with OW instead of being with his S.

I am not trying to ruin H and am trying to give him the best deal I can, but I am not goign to suffer because he has chosen to live with OW and take on her thousands in debt. It is not my problem.

Oh an to add to it all. H has been working with OW and making extra money (probably not much, but could be as much as $2000 a year) that he did not tell my L about when figuring the child support. This is what I am dealing with. Not the awesome dedicated dads I have heard about. If he was that way I would be ok with it, but I pay for everything and do everything, and he doesn't get to take money from me because he has him two nights a month (his choice). I have always made S available to him and he chooses not to see him.

I talk to my L today.

It was a great weekend besides finding out about H's lying again. I had a lot of fun and enjoyed myself.

[BeingMe]

So good that you had a good weekend. As for H, I say get as much as you can, especially the house. You have been responsible, and he's lucky to have a good credit out of the deal. Most divorced men don't have that.

Take care.

[mishka422]

This is going to sound cold but....take him to the cleaners! If he is really trying to get all of this and it isn't just his L writing up the 'standard' paperwork that opens the negotiation then he deserves everything that is coming to him. If you must, hire a forensic accountant and dig up every penny your H is making & spending and exactly how much he HAS NOT paid toward your son's living expenses.

This man is apparently extremely immature and has no clue what it really takes to raise a child both monetarily and emotionally.

I'm not one to normally say that a man needs to be awoken to the reality of the situation they created but.........UGH!

[Kalni]

Hi awest,
passing by to say Hi and see how you are doing.
Take care
K

[awest1217]

Thanks K.

Well I talked to my L and I was a little upset when we hung up. She is a straight talker and I told her that I am ok with more parenting time for H, but he never takes the opportunit. I told her that I don't mind less child support, but he doesn't have S much and H doesn't go to his place, but to his parents so he isn't paying anything (yes I am glad S goes to my in-laws instead of with OW and H, but financially it is not fair and honestly in the long run it will be harder on S to transition to a new house again since he is finally enjoying staying with Daddy). I said I don't like how H wants me to take on all the loss if I have to sell the house, and I said how I don't think it is fair that H gets to claim S every other year on taxes even though H isn't paying more than 10% of the costs.

What L told me is that with the taxes there is nothing I can do. The courts will make me give over my tax exemption or make me pay him for it, although federally it says it is the right of the custodial parent. She said in my county that is what happens and I won't get anything. She also said splitting loss should be ok, but it just sounded a downer.

Then I got the letter she wrote to H's L, and I was reminded why I have her. She said that I was willing for more parenting time, if H actually pursues it. She also said I am willing to credit H with the time, but only part of the credit because he is at his parents house. She also said H is not proving with his actions waht he is requesting because of H going to Disney over Father's Day. She also said he need to disclose all of his income because I feel he is not being honest (he's not) and it hurts the process. Finally she said I would get the first 4 years to claim S then H and I would alternate until S is 18 since I will be paying his tuition. She said this was to account for the first 5 months where H didn't help me out at all when he left. She said if he doesn't want this then he will have to pay me money to help with the mortgage or go back to my original proposal.

She said I am wanting to be flexible with H financially and with his time.

I am a little worried now. Everything is true, but I hate confrontation. I just want this over with easily. H doesn't know I know about Disney or about his second job. I also feel like it was written a little mean, but it needs to be. I know that I have to deal with H for the rest of S's life and we have always worked well together. I don't want things to get mean. However, I have forgiven and not brought up a lot of these things because it is better for S if we are amicable, and it doesn't want to do with S much so no need to fight and make things weird. I don't want to be friends, but I don't want H to be mean now or S to suffer either. I am just nervous, but I was when the first proposal was sent to H. I have always not let my personal feelings about H get in the way of how we interact with S, and I hope that H will do the same. Just so nervous...

Tomorrow is my last day of the week then a 4 day weekend. Tomorrow I might have some of S's friends spend the night, then Friday he is supposed to be with H (H and I switched weekends, and hopefully he remembers, but I will check with him today) and I have a girl's night. Saturday is normal stuff and the same with Sunday. Then Monday I have off again

[awest1217]

Well, I text H to confirm this weekend and he didn't text me back because his phone doesn't ever work although he got a new one...surprise surprise. He decided to go to a new company to talk to OW more and gets worse service than what we had before which was his reason for switching. Sorry I do like the irony in it and in October I get to switch back to my old company.

H forgot about having S this weekend and thought he had him the first two in March so I changed some things up to have S. No big deal. I have a 4 day weekend and was excited about having a day to myself, but it still works. My brother will watch S for me when I am with the girls so it will still be fun for him and for me.

Very fun weekend to start after work today so I am very excited

[ClingingToHope]

The bank thing is just sooooo much different than what I've been told. Interesting.

One of the reasons I'm finally pushing the D forward is to try to limit my financial exposure to STBXW.

Even though I'm not on any of her credit cards, a bankruptcy attorney told me if STBXW goes bankrupt those credit card companies are going to come after me because we were married when she got them.

That's what may eventually push me into bankruptcy.

I agree on wanting to avoid confrontation. I read the draft of the letter my L wrote to her L and I didn't like the first sentence. It sounded too confrontational so I sent a revised sentence and he adopted it.

[awest1217]

Talked to H for 2 hours yesterday because he doesn't want mud slinging and wants this to be cordial and not pay for mediation. We agreed to H having S starting in March Friday and Saturday night and he will get a partial credit because he is at his parents. When H decides to take S to his place (yes he finally admitted to living with OW) he will have to change his address with teh courts adn at that time also file for less child support, which to me is fair.

The tax thing he is still not sure about. I told him about not being able to claim child care and other things for me when he does claim S so now he is thinking to just let me have it all the time.

On the house, he said that he figured with his L that I should be able to refinance no problem in 4 years...yeah if the economy doesn't take a down trend again and if I have a little extra and... He said he has not problem with splitting everything 50/50 if I have to sell, but now he is thinking about not signing the deed waiver. Why? In case I don't want the house he has claim to it, but doesn't that go against him wanting me to refinance so quickly and digging his heels in about it? Either you want to help pay for the house or not, but if he is still on the house and won't sign it over I want something saying he will help pay for it or help take care of it or soemthing. I don't know if that is possible, but it doesn't seem right.

Other than that I had S instead of H this weekend because he "wrote down teh date wrong" and had plans. HIs plans were to go to Medieval Times with OW. How do I know? I have friends who also went there and saw them. Funny thing is that instead of H introducing OW, she hid and kept out of sight until they went inside. Pretty cheesy. I feel sorry for her because she feels she has to hide. I am sorry, but if I were her and I would want to be introduced to people.

Lastly I told H that if he is serious with OW, it would be good to start introducing her to S because he should have some say if he doesn't like her. Also it would be good for S to know OW before he has to spend time always the three of them. I did tell H that I don't recommend S spending the night with H and OW because I don't want him to learn immorale habits. Hanging out together is one thing, but for S to learn it is ok to live together before you are married (something I am against and H used to be against) I don't want S to learn by example it is ok. Plus I told H that S needs his own room before he goes to their place so he has his own space.

I think I am being reasonable.

Anyway taht is all for now. Finals this week and then going away with S for the weekend for our Youth Convention. My first chance to go "guy hunting". Not that I am a lot, but it is a chance for the to look amazing and see if there is anything out there.

[BeingMe]

I also think it's fair that he should pay for some of the house or take care of it, if he wants a share in it. And, definitely have it written down on a legal document. You might not want to pay for a mediator, but you may find that you will get more done with one. More legally binding perhaps?