WOW. I just read your thread and you are a very strong woman with a clear mind and logical thought process.
I don't know much about the MLC but what little I do know sounds like your H. Is this the case? I have no idea.
It's amazing to me how when I read others stories or hear about other H they remind me of me in their attitude and response to their W's. When I learn to hear what the W is saying and see the hurt in their words I am shocked H don't see it to.
The truth is most guys are completely clueless and the most of the stuff we say flies off the cuff without much thought as to what we are saying.
I would sometimes tell my W when I was wrong about something "I am sorry but don't get use to it because I am hardly ever wrong"
Even as I type those words I get goose bumbs. That sounds like such a ahole comment, yet I always said jokingly or playing around, however I knew and she knew there was a certain level of truth to what I was saying.
The point is most of the time the words H use are not meant to hurt are cut as deeply as they are received.
This is a time, that you will be examining all aspects of yourself, and the blinders about your M are gonna come off. You will see things you liked and things you didn't.
Eventually, you will begin to see what you will need in the future for your life and happiness.
Then, if you continue through this process, you will look at your H, and see if he can someday be a part of that.
It is a natural and healthy part of the process.
I, too, didn't stop "taking care" of my H for a long time. For similar reasons.
Actually, eventually, my H, took some of those duties away from me. At first, it felt like crap. In the long run, it was appreciated because it took some of the stress off, gave me more time to focus on me.
A question (like you weren't expecting it LOL)...
Your kids, they are teens...
How responsible are they for their own things?
I am a caregiver. In my personal life, my profession, and my nature...
I give. Sometimes, I give too much. And I begin to feel really drained. When I feel like I don't want to give anymore, that is when I have to see if I have been taking care of myself as well. Usually, the answer is no. And it is time for a timeout for me.
There is nothing wrong with that.
None of this comes overnight, I know you know that.
It all takes time and patience. And sometimes some venting.
How is that Vette?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Just reading over your thread. It's starting to sound like Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?" up there. LOL
So sorry you find yourself here, but I can guarantee you won't regret it. This Board has seen me through some tough times, and I've gotten priceless advice.
As Cat04 said, as time passes, you will begin to see things you like and things you don't, in both yourself and your husband. Things that you have blinded yourself to in an act of self-preservation. I began this journey dead set against divorce, and now find that I believe it is the only option open to me, as there is nothing more I can do to help H. It's up to God, and I'm only in the way.
Corvette, huh? My favorite country song goes "I dug my key into the side . . . . " Just a comment. LOL OH! and the country song "I Pray for You". The words are so inspiring. If you haven't read or heard them, look them up. What is with these people who can't be happy with who they are and the age they are???
As you've probably figured out, this is a long, long journey, so strap yourself in darlin', it's goin to get bumpy.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
I have read your entire thread and must say you've got yourself quite a story there. My heart goes out to you.
You have found yourself among some amazing people who understand exactly what you are going through. They have walked or are walking this same path. It's a special group willing to pay it forward. We are here for each other.
Your H sounds very familiar. In fact I wonder if he is my H's long lost brother...
You sound good and strong. Take the advice and keep taking care of you. In the end, no matter how it turns out, it's only ourselves we can depend on.
Been hiding out for a couple of days. Just would like to stick my head in the sand and make it all go away. Oh well.
Just going to copy and paste what I just wrote on my Newcomers thread. I am feeling lazy right now myself. So, this is for anyone feeling too lazy to flip back and forth!
"My D16 was only 3 when we found out what had been happening to her. I finally found a counselor that wasn't a whack job and she really did well with him. (We had one that made her confront her GM. Amazingly, she stuck to her guns, but boy, did she act out after that.) She and I would speak almost daily about her feelings and then one day when she was around 5 I asked her if she needed to talk because she hadn't for several days. She looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. It really freaked me out. I called her counselor and he said that it was perfectly normal. I've called him off and on for advice as she grows and develops. He always has sound guidance and is really just a good person.
Yes, he blames me for time lost with his father. And in all honesty, I could have handled it better. For the first several years, when he would talk to his dad, it hurt my feelings. I can't even begin to tell you the things his dad said about me. I was crushed. He didn't handle things the way that I would have and I held him to the standard of what I would have done. We'd been married for about 7 years at that point. I went to him and apologized. I told him that I realized he must have felt that I was rejecting him bc of how he choose to deal with it. That I was sorry and wouldn't give him a hard time about talking to his parents. However, every few years H would ask if we could just all get together with them and I would always say no. I have really thought about this and prayed about it with all the stuff going on now. I stand with my decision. I HAD to protect my D16 and her sisters and little brother. I understand that he feels differently and I respect that."
So, to answer Cat04's question.
They are all very independent. They get up for school on their own, do their own homework and even make themselves snacks after school. I think I am more of an emotional caregiver than a hands on one? I always cook dinner and in the summer make all of us lunch. Clean the house, etc. I guess my greatest strength is that I listen to their hurts and concerns. My D15 came home today and was telling me about a friend that is about to be put into foster care per CPS. She said, "I gave her your number in case she needs to talk. You always know what to say."
The kids are a sore point for H and I. It's really frustrating to me. Yes, they can be slobs. Yes, they sometimes walk over a mess that needs to be picked up. BUT, they are really pretty good kids. No one is using drugs, having sex, smoking or making bad grades. He sees it as personal disrespect if they leave their backpack on the floor. This from a man who leaves his underwear on the floor himself. UGH! I pointed out that when he was 26 he was horsing around with his younger brother who was 18 at the time. In their horseplay, H put his brother's butt through the wall. He always gets irritated when I remind him of things like that. Sometimes, I try to be careful of it and respect that, but this was one of those times, I didn't care. I asked him if he did that to be disrespectful or if it was simply an accident. He actually admitted that he saw my point.
The hardest part for me is what I am learning about on these forums. It never occurred to me to unconditionally love my husband. I thought we were each to have reasonable expectations and conditions. For instance, he expects me to pay the bills, wash his clothes, take care of the house, stay faithful, etc. I have certain expectations as well.
I am having to re-evaluate my thoughts on this.
I can say this much. I have learned more about unconditional love since adopting D14 than I ever knew possible. She came to live with us when she was only 10. The almost 4 years that she has lived with us is the longest she has stayed in one place since she 7. She has been my biggest challenge and greatest growth I have ever experienced. I really believed that I loved my children unconditionally. But I didn't. I had expectations of return-return of affection, return of camaraderie and fellowship, return of love. For the first time in my life, I saw that I really had to love her exactly where she was with the expectation of nothing. She may never love me back. She may never be loyal to our family. She may never enjoy true fellowship with us. It stretched me as a person and I have learned so much about myself.
I don't know how I feel yet, about loving my husband like that. I struggle with it.
