Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Hard to believe it's been so long since I've posted an update. I guess the main reason is that not much has happened. H remains in essentially the same mental state. He's friendly and polite but appears to have absolutely no interest in developing any type of relationship with me other than continuing to do things as a family for D. He hasn't really said anything more since our major talk a few weeks back. I've really just let him be. He still maintains very regular communication with me and is texting me, emailing me, calling me etc. But this isn't that different than when he was involved with OW. I can't rule out that he's not getting back with her. In fact, while at an outing with him and D today, he insisted on taking a picture of something that could really only interest the OW. He recently visited a new physician who changed up a lot of his meds. She's trying to get him off his reliance on Xanax and doubled his AD dose. It will be awhile before any effect will be noted.

I'm not really sure what to think about things anymore. I told him on our last deep conversation that I'm not OK with being a default wife for the sake of D. While I think a 2 parent family is best, I'm not going to pretend to have a marriage I don't have. And thus far, it looks like things are stuck in that mode. But again, I realize this is a very very long process and he is most definitely NOT himself and he knows it. He's still working things out in his mind and still working on his health. So my becoming frustrated is only because things aren't moving (in ANY direction) as fast as I'd want them to move. I dislike vagueness and that is really the only thing I have for sure.

All that being said, the tone of our relationship (if you can call it that) IS different in some ways than it was when he was with OW. He's not quite as detached from me and in fact, when he heard that D felt that I don't do anything good for her while H is her ideal parent (which stung to hear), H came over right away, cooked dinner for us both, and ripped D a new one. He told her that she should be totally grateful for me because "She cooks for you every night. I don't. She takes you to school every day. I don't. She takes you out and does fun things every weekend. I don't!" It was a nice gesture of him. Unfortunately, D is battling her own depression which makes some days particularly difficult.

I continue to take one day at a time.