Shine on you crazy diamond...

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
Well, my W just came by the house. It was a scheduled visit. She was bringing me back some of my stuff that got taken accidentally during her move and to bring me the suitcase I need for my trip.

The visit did not go as I had planned. She called me to let me know she was coming over. So, I tried to get myself composed. I guess I didn't do a very good job. When she arrived, I met her out front of the house. She didn't really acknowledge me that much. We unloaded the car together and made small-talk. She seemed to be in a big hurry to leave. During her other visits, she seemed to linger more. So, for a brief moment we stood out front and I asked her how she was doing. She just said "fine" in a very "matter of fact" tone. She really didn't seem all that interested in talking. So, I asked her if there was something wrong? She said no. I told her she seemed to be acting a bit strange. She replied, "I am fine but what is wrong with you?"

Since I started working out, I have developed a couple of callus' on my hands. I realize now that when I get nervous, I pick at them. She looked right at me asked me why I was picking at my hand and why I was shaking. I didn't even realize it, but my hands were shaking. She said that I was the one acting strange. I couldn't help it. I was shaking and my stomach was getting upset. This is insane. I spent 15 years with this woman and now I shake when I am in a room with her.

I tried my best to shrug it off and I told her that I had skipped lunch. She proceeded to tell me more about her new place and how she has started decorating. But the conversation didn't last long. I couldn't help. I finally looked her in the eyes and asked her, "So, how are you doing?" She again just said fine. She asked me the same thing and I replied the same. She briefly asked me about my trip and that was about it. She said she had to go and just turned and went to her car. She didn't look back or anything. Just got in the car and drove off like she was leaving the gas pump or something.

I don't think she could have cared less. There was no emotion, no love, no caring, nothing. She was two feet from the man she once loved with all her heart and nothing.

I did my best to show no emotion either, but I was at least upbeat. She was just "there." When she left, I was devastated. Really, wife? Really? 15 years and nothing????? I am starting to think she is really done with us. I didn't get any of the positive vibes that I got from other visits. I just don't think she really cares any more. My C kept telling me that I should start to worry when I start to see indifference. She could not have been any more indifferent than she was today.

Folks, I know my w. I have watched her every move for 15 years. I usually know when she is not telling the truth, when she is sad, happy, whatever. Today was no "parlor trick." She honestly just didn't care that I was even there. It was awful...

I don't know how it is that I can get on here and give people advice that can help them but then I can't help myself. Why?

The only thing that was good is that she is still wearing her wedding band. But, she wears it on her right hand and she hides it under another decorative ring. But she is still wearing it. My w never wore much jewelry. She is not a big fan. And, she never slept with any on. The wedding band and this decorative ring or not connected. So, she is knowingly putting this on every morning. Putting on a piece of jewelry on is not an involuntary action. You have to knowingly do it. And, for now, she is still doing it. That is the only ray of hope I got today...

Well, I at least go one answer today that I was looking for. No, she is definitely not in a place where I could approach her wit a "I am sorry for what I have done" speech. I am still miles from there for sure.

I think I am going to go crawl back in bed for a bit...

FOBD