WAS announced intention to divorce 18 months ago. Children aged 13, 11, 9. She moved out in June.10 (she has the kids about 2/3rd's of the time). There have been many ups and downs. I attempted DB tactics (lost weight, dressed better, attempted to avoid angry exchanges) but have repeatedly slipped up by engaging in nasty words.
Yesterday was one of those days. Even 18 months after the fact her anger is so deep that an attempt at reconciliation at this stage would, I believe, be a huge failure. At 5:00 a.m this morning I received a message that basically said she only intends to deal with me with respect to the children. I sent the following text (her reply, which is very enlightening also follows):
“...there has been enough negative stuff to last a lifetime. I want to thank you for 3 wonderful children. I want to thank you for being a wonderful mother. I want to thank you for many, many wonderful memories. You were good for me and my peculiar character! I will miss you a great deal. I will miss your infectious smile and caring heart. I will miss your hugs and support. It breaks my heart that the children will not grow up with an intact family. Unfortunately, my own pain/hurt through this process led me to say some things in anger that I regret. I am sorry. However, I now appreciate more than ever that your anger is insurmountable. Goodbye xxxx. Although it fills me with pain to say this, I hope you find what makes you happy even though I will not be a part. I would have walked to the end of the earth to have made it work.”
She replied:
“Funny when this was over I was going to write you a letter. You have made me shed tears that I can’t stop from your text. The pain of this divorce has taken so much spirit and faith from me. I lay in bed yesterday afternoon unable to move as you have attacked everything I ever held dear. My character, my ability as a parent, my role as your wife. I loved you with all my heart, I wanted a fairy tale marriage and family. I was needy for your love and affection...just wanted you as my best friend.
I cry wishing it could all be washed away. I meant that when I said that to you and you didn’t let me finish. The words that have been said are burned into my head. I swear on the kids I wish we could go back to a time way before this and for things to have been different. It has been very difficult dealing with the fact that we have a broken family.
I find myself stopping myself when I look back as it is painful to think about how we screwed up. I can only look forward now. I gave until I just couldn’t any more. I know you and know its hard for you to express yourself. Came across a letter you gave me one Christmas and I wept. I know its in you its just me who brought out your goodness. I too am saying goodbye.
You will always have a piece of me. I will miss you. Under all those layers is someone very special. I still say that. You think its easy for me to move on its not. Many tears have been shed. I will always love you. I will always remember the happy times. It’s time for us to let each other go.”
Any and all advice is appreciated. Is there any "hope" in that response.
Wow Dazed, that was very moving because these are similar things my wife have expressed to me, though with understandibly way more angst and disgust. I'm in no better position to comment, but there's still some level of intimacy and respect in her words (and yours). These can be seen as signs of hope. I'm sure others will chime in. I'd give anything for a heartfelt conversation/text like this with my wife any day. In future in-person conversations, just be sure not to resolve to using nasty words - that seems to be your proverbial two steps back.
Dazed, I do see hope for you. She is being honest with you. She wanted more than anything to make it work with you, but your more of the same behavior has prevented her from being able to see their is a chance.
About your anger... what have you done to get it under control? anger management... counseling.... You need to take the initiative to realize you have a problem and you are going to do something about it. To be honest her anger is not a bad sign... the opposite of love is not hate... the opposite is indifference. their are still feelings present between you two.
So.. You need to work on detaching. google livestrong detachment and read this all the time. You need to be the leader and SHOW her that you have changed and you have let the anger go... Be the example you wish to see from her. I think that is good that you sent the text, owned your faults, and told her your real feelings towards her. The next step is actions to prove that you can be the one for her... You obviously were at one time.
So as far as attraction goes. Keep working on yourself.. Lose more weight, get new cloths, become mysterious, get new hobbies reinvent who you are. You have had a revelation and you are truly ready to find the real you and become amazingly happy with the life you have.
I recommend reading Dr. Phil's self matter's book. It shows you how to rebuild yourself from the inside out. How to find your authentic self. Once you find out what true happiness is, then you can put your life back together in a way that works for you.
Thank you to those who replied. I am heeding your advice and keeping the anger in check. There has been very little communication from her since the "Farewell" text messages. Earlier today she sent a text asking if I would look after the dog Saturday night. As I have the kids that means she's planning on spending the evening somewhere else. For reasons I won't get into, I suspect it is with a new OM. In the past, the pain/hurt associated with that possibility would have undoubtedly led to an angry and/or sarcastic text message which would have digressed to a whole series of them. I replied: "Please don't take this the wrong way as it is not meant to be mean spirited. I'm not ready to take the dog while you pursue a relationship."
It probably wasn't the best response. However, it was better than my typical angry/hostile response (i.e. "shall I tell the kids you're having a sleep over").
Well, you're right that it could've been worse and I appreciate the emotional satisfaction you probably got by staking your position on the matter. But will you gain anything by it? Do you think your response will make it less likely she'll engage with OM tonite, or any night? In my own experience, knowing I'm not gonna change the sitch (i.e., she's gonna do what she wants) leads me to provide less emotional, more 'detached' responses. Think of what she will NOT expect, and hit her with it. Like maybe "Sure, I'll take care of the dog. Happy to help you out." I know it will kill you to swallow your feelings, but the key is to gradually give her a reason to come back, not to reinforce the feelings that made her leave.
Just my two cents. I'm praying for you as I prayer for my own wife and family.
Marcusko
Me: 55 Wife: 50 D: 13, D: 17 Married: 21 years Together: 24 years The Bomb: 3/1/2010 Reconciled: 4/29/2010 Separated: Oct 2010
I can't be sure but I think you may get a different response from some of the veterans. There often seems to be a fine line between detachment and boundaries. If one accepts your logic, I should say "sure....any time" when she asks: "Will you take the dog while I go off on a romantic weekend with OM".
I respect the boundaries Personally I don't have an issue with the response, we want to be compassionated but we don't need to become jelly fish in order to get there.
As far as the first part of your post goes they text was very revealing to me.
This is the sitaution I believe my W and I are. I also believe she feels as if she tried everything. More importantly I believe that if she felt there was a way to fix it she would probably take it, however she feels there is nothing left that can be done.
How do you get passed that? Reconciliation is a lot of work but both parties have to agree to the work if only one party believes it is possible then what?
Hi! I so wish there wasn't a reason for people to be on this board, but that is life, not so. DnB, there is no hope if you cannot get your anger under control. If you are calling your wife ugly names, and being sarcastic, then she will find herself justified in leaving.
Quote:
I am sorry. However, I now appreciate more than ever that your anger is insurmountable. Goodbye xxxx. Although it fills me with pain to say this, I hope you find what makes you happy even though I will not be a part. I would have walked to the end of the earth to have made it work.
You say you are sorry, then you go on to complain about her "insurmountable anger". You cannot tell her how she feels, only how you feel. You tell her that you hope that she finds happiness, but then tell her you can't look after her dogs, because you don't want her to pursue that happiness. Again, how do you know it's a OM ... she could just be going out with friends. You said goodbye, but you are asking if there is hope. I just don't get it.
You are making too many assumptions about her life, and trying to control her, even when the text appears kind, and sorrowful. It sounds like you are telling her what you think she wants to hear.
Quote:
You will always have a piece of me. I will miss you. Under all those layers is someone very special. I still say that. You think its easy for me to move on its not. Many tears have been shed. I will always love you. I will always remember the happy times. It’s time for us to let each other go.
This part of her text is what might show some hope. If she can say these words even though you have disparaged her and her feel less than a mother and wife, then I say again.... you do have some hope. But you're going to have to tread carefully, and stick to what you have promised. Give her space.
You say you would've walked to the ends of the earth to make it work ... really? How about changing how you interact with your W and the mother of your children. I think she would've preferred that.
I am sorry for the 2x4, but you will have to wake up and realize your part in the downfall of this M, if you are going to have any chance of fixing this. Say what you say and mean what you mean.
Good luck!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
