Recovering after a same sex affair

[sparks14]

stopping the physical affair does NOT stop the emotional connection....that takes time...she might also always carry love for the other person....just as there are other people in my life that I have fond feelings for (my first boyfriend etc)

you will never be the end all be all for anyone
nor should you be

That makes perfect sense, Figg. Thank you. She just put me in a bit of a panic mode when she said said the words "shelve" her relationship with the OW. To me, I interpreted that as the OW will always be there in the end. Since the W was "forced" into the no contact, I think she feels like it is not forever. That worries me. I also worry that she is not making any further to make contact with her. I guess I will never know, and I have no impact on that. Nor should I ever mention to her that I am worried that she is seeing the OW.

Maybe she meant "shelve" the relationship with OW in case she discovers that she does indeed prefer women and will open that relationship back up as we go through divorce.

What scares me even further is that in one of the emails from last August (one week after my son was born), the OW wrote a very detailed letter to my W outlining a timeline for them. She wrote words of encouragement while telling my W that this will not be easy, but I will be there for you. To understand this email, you have to put yourself in a time machine back to August.

The OW stated that W needed to start crying to me and her mother now that she was unhappy in the marriage. W did that at the time, but everybody thought it was postpartum at the time. W would then return to work to make money (she never did). OW then said that on November 1, she would separate from me and move in with her. OW told my wife that it would be their trial to see if they could live together, but that my W should leave it open with me just in case it did not work between them. (This part did not really happen until the bomb was dropped in mid December). After the trial separation, my W would have to get her own place. Since she would not be making much money, the idea was to live in some low income apartment somewhere temporarily. This would put a fog over everything that there really was not an affair going on. After several months living in this apartment, W would then start working on divorce. Once everything was settled, they would move in together and live happily ever after. OW even said it was even easier for her to write, since she was already half way through this process with her own H. What is even more messed up, is that the OW talked about how they would need my help with finances to make it, since they would not make enough money together.

Me W's response to this email was that she was very scared and still very confused. She appreciated the thoughts, but everything was happening to fast. This email timeline was just too soon for her.

The reality is that I exposed the affair in the "trial living together phase". W was spending a few days a week at OW's place with the impression that she just needed space to figure herself out. I told her that I would remain patient. She would then come and spend a few days living on my couch while we co-parented.

What would have happened if I didn't expose the affair or discover the affair? Did me finding out just make their plan more complicated, but they are still on their way to making it happen? Is that what she meant be "shelving" Or is the OW really "shelved" as all would be while we truly worked towards getting back together?

These are the questions that boggle me. Right now, I have comfort knowing that she is living with her brother down the street,and I have my son half the time. After she picked up my S about an hour ago, I got a text message asking if I needing anything from the baby store that is on the other side of town (same side of town OW lives). It is also a Sunday, so I know OW is not working. My mind is going crazy, but there is nothing for me to do. I have to be patient and trust the process that we are going through in therapy.