Recovering after a same sex affair

[sparks14]

The self righteous thing came across to me as well. I think a big part of it(and I can't speak for Fig or others) is your often said "someone else would have been gone already and I am still here"... coupled with the who's deceit was bigger question...

You are here because you want to work on your M. So what if other people would walk...That would be their choice.

Thanks again, cat, for the advice. I really do not want to come across as self righteous. I have so many emotions going through me right now. I am torn to shreds inside. This literally has been the most painful experience of my life. Maybe I just can't believe that I have had the ability to fight for my marriage after a situation like this. I was wrong to say others would have bailed. I don't know any others, and I shouldn't care less if they would or not.

I love my wife incredibly, so I am doing everything in my power to listen to good, positive advice and move towards saving my marriage.

While I agree that you W's sexual orientation questions make it hard to figure out what your W needed and definately make the thoughts of reconciliation hard at this point...

There are things that you can and should look at...

Things that will help you in the future with this R if it reconciles, or in another...

Right now, this isn't a cooperative situation on the reconciliation front, but there ARE things that you can do, that will make reconciliation easier if it happens.

And believe me, the hormones, may have a role to play in how deeply your wife feels certain things, but they don't CAUSE her to feel those feelings.

What were/are your communication skills like? Did you listen and actually hear your W when she talked?

Did you pay attention to her after work, even for a half hour, or were you playing video games, working out, mowing the yard, etc...

Did you do things together that were fun, or did you just sit around the house doing nothing? And did you plan or help plan those activities?

Sexually, did you cuddle and snuggle and have lots of forplay, making her feel special and loved, or was it just about getting the job done?

How did you change from the man that she met and married, into the man that she is now married to?

Just some thoughts...

Those are the types of things that I have to consider. I was told while it is okay to analyze what needs were not met that allowed the affair to occur, I cannot feel at fault that it happened.

I think these emotional needs not being met and our overall lack of good communication skills were a primary area of concern. My wife and I talked tonight a little bit. She mentioned that we have always had poor communication skills the five years together. She felt that she felt that maybe after five years, it was her braking point.

I asked if these feelings she had maybe made her in a position of vulnerability to act on the affair. She said that she does not know. She said that she was frustrated. This was during the same time she met the OW and they started to become friends.

I tried to remind my wife that the communication failures that we were having was the reason that we started going to couples therapy last Spring. We went with the agreed intention that our marriage was not in crisis, but that we wanted to strengthen our communication in preparation for our upcoming child. I thought the therapy was going great. We fought less. We used the skills taught to us. My wife later told me that things appeared okay, because she just stopped caring. It wasn't until later, that I discovered the affair began near the beginning of our couples therapy sessions.

So to answer your question, yes I do think there were things that I was failing to do that could have led to some kind of vulnerability. I am desperate to find them out in our current couples therapy and remedy them if possible. I have learned more in the last 2 months about positive relationship habits by reading books, seeing a good therapist, and hearing the advice of this board. I am ready to approach our marriage with the nurture it requires. I just hope my wife gives me the chance.

She mentioned tonight that stopping contact with the OW has not stopped her feelings towards her. She feels like that relationship is just shelved. Her therapist recommended no contact. I asked her tonight why she recommended that. She said that it was because I demanded it. I told her that my therapist mentioned that in order for my wife to discover her self, the OW had to be out of the picture. If she had same sex questions, how could she possibly address them from an outside prospective while deep in a same sex affair? I guess that also goes with every bit of advice that I have read. The affair must end cold turkey. What if the WS is still in love with OW? Will it just go away? If WS is having her own questions about her sexuality and not completely in reconciliation, does this mean the feelings for the OW could linger around longer? I guess these are all questions for my W to answer. I just do not see any positive way for me to save my marriage with the OW in contact. What do you think?