As the Bolt Turns

[2stepboogie]

Bolt,

Here is the thing man, she called your bluff and she won. Something I have learned about being a jealous person (which I am not anymore use to be in my early 20's) is that it does not matter how jealous I am if someone is going to cheat they are going to cheat. All my wasted energy on worryinig about it is pointless.

Nothing you do regarding this person will change the outcome.

You stop her from texting him. She could resent you for it because they are truly friends.

You let her text him and you feel like crap.

I just see it as if you put your foot down on this then you are creating a problem where there isn't one.

A cheating spouse is a cheating spouse and there is very little you can do to stop it.

Keep hitting your goals on a daily basis keep taking your temp check every week. These are all good things.

Only worry about what you can control.

[2stepboogie]

If this is about your insecurity then really it is something YOU need to work on

[Chrysalid]

bolt, i KNOW how hard it is to quell the jealousy. My husband was texting OW who was my FRIEND at the time in excess of 1400 text a month and in front of me at the house, while were out etc. and when he moved upstairs i could hear his phone buzz all hours of the night knowing it was her.. he 'claims' they were talking so much because she just ended her relationship and she could relate to our situation and was offering him support.. (sound familiar?) It drove me insane !! Before DB i did everything wrong, everything! i threatened him , i begged him and pleaded with him to stop texting her, i yelled, i tried ignoring him and it didn't stop and he DID resent me.. and in the end they had a PA that i only found out about through finding his chat logs. I should have made myself more available to him and been the woman he wanted to be with, not her but i did everything wrong, I could have turned the situation around I realize that now and like 2step said, cheaters will cheat no matter what so you just have to DB your a$$ off and hope for the best.

try to keep the insecurities in check and just concentrate on your goals.. you can do this. good luck to you

[Sad_but_happy]

With all do respect I can't understand why it's acceptable to allow your S to text OP without consequence?!?! You can't act "is if" when S is in a EA or PA.

Respect is not a boundary. It's absolutely critical in any R. Not just in MR but in all areas of life.

When you get right down to it if you could lose the fear, you would not tolerate any disrespect...

[2stepboogie]

Sad,

I agree but I look at it from this angle. If the relationship was solid would there be a problem with her having a male friend? If the answer is yes and you are working towards having a solid M then where is the trust you want to achieve?

If Bolt is that adamant about not allowing it then the boundary needs to be set and respected plain and simple. In order to do that you MUST lose the fear.

[Sad_but_happy]

You posed the question so I will answer... No, it is not ok for my W to have single male friends exclusive to her. WE can have male and female friends as a couple.

As for setting boundaries I can only go by my experiance. I set the boundary NO OM! no if ands or buts. I can't help but think that fighting for your W and MR by setting clear boundaries that pertain to respect is VERY attractive. Allowing an A and acting "as if" while allowing it to continue is sooo unattractive. Just my opinion. It means you don't respect yourself. That you will put up with any behavior to save M.

Did it work for me? Yup, so far. Not braging, it just has... Maybe I'm lucky. Dont know. Will it work for everyone? Probably not...

I guess it's all in where your tollerance lies...

[Bolt]

Bolt,

Here is the thing man, she called your bluff and she won. Something I have learned about being a jealous person (which I am not anymore use to be in my early 20's) is that it does not matter how jealous I am if someone is going to cheat they are going to cheat. All my wasted energy on worryinig about it is pointless.

Nothing you do regarding this person will change the outcome.

You stop her from texting him. She could resent you for it because they are truly friends.

You let her text him and you feel like crap.

I just see it as if you put your foot down on this then you are creating a problem where there isn't one.

A cheating spouse is a cheating spouse and there is very little you can do to stop it.

Keep hitting your goals on a daily basis keep taking your temp check every week. These are all good things.

Only worry about what you can control.

Right ON 2step. That's why I love this board.

I'm trying to keep it a non-issue right now. The impending move is making everyone nuts right now. We had a good talk about it but she's getting annoyed by the talk so I'm laying off.

It's tough because now she's concerned that if I get the big job that I'm up for, I would turn it down right now. I would have to live in LA while the fam lives in Ohio. I'm not ready to do that yet.

Kinda funny because now she's concerned about the job and me working and making a lot of cash - THAT is what got us into trouble in the first place EEEEPPP...

This move is just putting us through the ringer. I think she is feeling guilt because we're basically doing this move for her. I flat out told her that if she wants this R to work, then I'll do anything to work on it - including moving and putting my career on hold.

She's scared and is pulling away a little. She did say, however, that once we do move, it will be one less thing to worry about. Then we can work more on us.

At dinner, I asked if she wanted us to work. She said, I don't know if it would. I asked again, do you WANT us to work. She said, I'm not sure...I cut her off and basically just said, it's a yes or no question. She said yes. I said, then let's make it work no matter what.

It's still tough and we have a ton to work on. I feel that I have to detach a little or SOMETHING because this part is very hard. She's not leaving me but she isn't 100% back - it's just a confusing place to be for me. Do I pursue? Do I give space? Am I focusing too much on the sitch?

Damn...

[Bolt]

Sad,

I agree but I look at it from this angle. If the relationship was solid would there be a problem with her having a male friend? If the answer is yes and you are working towards having a solid M then where is the trust you want to achieve?

If Bolt is that adamant about not allowing it then the boundary needs to be set and respected plain and simple. In order to do that you MUST lose the fear.

2Step is on FIRE!

Can I also tell you that you are the only one with this opinion out of EVERYONE I've talked to.

However - I think its the right one.

I KNOW there is nothing and will be nothing. I'm actually making an attempt to know this person because he has a similar personality to me and has a lot of female friends. I've chatted with him a little and he's assured me he has no interest in my girl.

I've been doing a lot of searching to find out a "definition" of an emotional affair. Don't beat me up here but here me out.

There are a lot of things that she ISN'T doing. She isn't hiding the fact that she's talking to him. She wasn't exactly telling me every time she did earlier but that was pre-Boltess change (when she was one foot out the door). Now she tells me every time.

There is no physical attraction at all on her end. She's a good looking chick and looks are a little important to her (sounds weird but she has never been a chick to go after an ugly dude who is funny - I know her better than anyone)

It's not every day. It's barely once a week.

anyway...I'm beating a dead horse here. It's a friendship pure and simple. My stupidity/jealousy/insecurity can make it into something else. That's on me.

I have to deal with that insecurity...

[2stepboogie]

This is the part of the equation I am not familiar with and don't know that I will ever be. In my opinion the thread and the book can only take you so far.

You have two positive things here.

She wants to make it work

You want to make it work

I think it is the time to get yourself some pro help.

Just a thought.

Sadbuthappy,

Just for the record I am of the same opinion. I have my boundaries, and I will not faulter

[Bolt]

Bolt.

I'm sorry you don't take criticism well. You also were patting yourself on the back. You wrote "Husband of the Year." or did you not? What did you mean by that then, if not patting yourself?

Your sexual harassment story gets more unbelievable every time I read it. Now a boyfriend makes a sexual harassment complaint. I've handled hundreds of sexual harassment claims/lawsuits, yes even this year too. Yours is indeed a unique story. I know people tend to spin things in their favor. So I guess if you believe it, it's true.

I'm not trying to be super critical, but I'm trying to save you from yourself. People don't like the truth. Come on, you were looking for a pat on the back, at least be honest about that.

Why do I write this? I WAS you a few years ago. I WAS in the same situation you are in. Heck I even think I used the phrase "husband of the year" a time or two. You think the changes are going to last, you think as long as keep being super husband you will make it. It isn't that simple.

2X4 time - You are doing these acts for her, not you. You are doing these acts for some reward. Elevating these tasks in your mind takes them out of the day-to-day world, not good. What happens the day that she doesn't thank your for them? How will you take it? Or what happens if she gives everything back and you stop doing this out of apathy or laziness?

I see a lot of the "old bolt" in your post to me. If one post on a message board can bring him back, I'd bet your sitch can too.

Verdi, all great points!

Criticism is something I have to take in my profession daily. I don't have to like it but I can take it.

I took exception to how attacking you were. These boards are meant for support not to tear down anyone's small victories. I responded to you in anger because that's how I took your post.

Harassment in a nutshell. There were a ton of people who saw the entire "relationship" happen. An assistant who thought there was more than a work relationship. She was a woman scorned. She dated someone else at the company. She spread lies to HIM who then talked to his roommate who was an upper level person in the company. That upper level person went to HR. Sounds like a game of telephone to me. It basically came down to perception. She was jilted because I didn't want her the same way she wanted me. I'm outgoing/flirtatious but married. Once I saw what was going on, I had a talk with her and said me=married you=assistant. It got super bad after that.

I don't know what else to say about that.


The husband of the year quote was done mostly in jest but for me, doing something like that was HUGE. Why could I say that title? Because the W validated it. She told me I would never understand how much that meant to her. I came on this board to proclaim a small victory. You haven't been around these boards long enough to see that those victories don't happen that often. Most times, we LBS don't recognize them. I post it for myself and some back patting sure, but I also do it for the other BITS so they can have some hope.

If you've read all my posts (and God love ya if you have), you can see my apprehension for posting good news. I don't want to feel like I'm rubbing it in. I've been reassured by many here to keep that coming. It does give them hope.

As far as your 2x4, I thank you for that. Do I elevate them? Sure I do. But I follow them up by having weekly checkups with the W. I want to make sure I'm staying the course. I want this to be my habit, my new me, my way of life. The only way to make a real change is to keep that change DAILY. So yeah, I'm making daily goals to accomplish. Isn't that in the DR book??

And she doesn't always thank me and that's ok. That's NOT why I'm doing it. As a matter of fact, there are things that I'm doing that she's thanking me for that I'm not aware of. It's great when she does thank me but I'm learning to rid of expectations.

Am I perfect? Heck no but I'm trying to get better every day.

I'd just appreciate support on the board - light criticism in the form of 2x4s are appreciated as well but venom and anger isn't.

one last thing. Old bolt in the post? Actually, no. Old Bolt wouldn't have posted anything because he wouldn't fight for what he believed in for his M. He would have been upset, yes but it wouldn't have shaken his foundation for his W. That's where that all came from.

Now let's get back to some positive feedback. Help when someone is down and encouragement to get back up. We BITS have enough crap to deal with, eh? (for my Canadians out there)