From the Darkness Comes the Light!

[2stepboogie]

FOBD,

I can always count on you my man to show up. I hope you feel the same for us. You know what is funny. When my W was leaving a few days prior I told her once you walk out that door there is no coming back, EVER. LOL What a douche! I was certain she would regret it. You know what though, I am still certain she will regret leaving at some point. My goal was not to work on myself though, how things have changed.

Lis,

Lis to the rescue!! You are right. No flowers I had the flower shop website on my PC all day but never followed through with the order. I think I will send a text and that is it. No cards, no flowers, and no gifts. I continue to test the waters something’s work and some don’t. I think the flowers while well received really serve no purpose at this juncture. What do you think about going on a “date” with W or asking her out? I realize that sometimes I fail to see the small victories and you are right I do want to talk everyday or at least a text, something to let me know she is alive. Usually she does not call unless there is a reason. Thursday’s phone call really caught me off guard but she was snowed in and wanted to talk. Now I have to be patient and wait. This is the part that hurts, this is the part that anger develops but HEY! I’ve got you guys.

Hope and Denver,

Do you guys realize you were my first two responses when I came here? It is so good to see that after 5 threads you are still hanging tough. I don’t know you, but I love you both!

[zengypsy]

DITTO with Hope and LIS 2Step.

BITS
Denver

Ditto with Hope, Lis and Denver!

[Denver_2010]

I didn't realize that 2Step... glad to do it! You have been there for me too. I appreciate it and am so happy that I have you in my corner!!

BITS
Denver

[lostinscared]

2Step,

I have got to be honest with you, if it were some of us other folks, I would be screaming the loudest about no date. What really has me struggling right now in your case is the fact that she specifically mentions showing up at her mother's doorstep. Women don't say stuff like that unless they are trying to encourage something. I mean, we are specifically taken aside in kindergarten and taught how to dissuade men's advances and we know not to say stuff like that.

Obviously, I'm pretty opinionated, but I hesitate to answer that question. I believe that your W is looking for something and I don't think that closure is it right now. I think she is paving the road back. I REALLY believe it. Can you call the coach back? See how she reads this? She was there when your W made the comment and a bit more has happened since then.

I can't get over the book either that she read to you.

Yes, I believe it is time to make a move and do something. She has already made a move (with the book). I just don't know what move. I feel so bad saying that to you because I want to help, but I don't know. This is why I am asking you to call the coach. Maybe we can brainstorm a few things on here. Maybe a date? I just don't want anything too big or too romantic to scare her off.

2Step, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE listen to me. I've said this before to you. Please write down the signs that would tell you that she is turning a corner. When those things happen, WRITE THEM DOWN. I did this, just like the book told me to. When people were telling me that my H's behavior was typical of a recently separated spouse, I had my trusty list. I KNEW he was turning. Even as he walked out that door, I knew he was turning. You know your W better than anyone. You know "typical" behavior and you know "turning" behavior. And I am telling you right now, get it written down. It will help you tremendously. It will also keep you lifted up when you are down. Those little steps, 2Step, they add up FAST.

Take care of you, sweetie!!! I am praying for you.

LIS

[2stepboogie]

LIs,

I appreciate your honesty I'd rather you say "I am stumped" than make up something to say. I am feeling the same way as you.


Michelle you outthere

[2stepboogie]

Sent her a text last night

M "Did you get the car fixed"

W "yes thank you"

Thats it

[Busting Mode]

Gonna jump in here with my 2 cents for you 2 steps. After reading and re-reading this entire thread, the one thing that keeps on jumping out at me is FoundnBrave's insistence upon making a list of things that are telling you when she's turning.

Honestly I'm still wrestling with this idea as well, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense.

My wife needs a man who is confident and decisive, especially when she is not. Seeing validation of things I am doing well gives me confidence.

And I need to feel confident FOR ME regardless of what she does or does not do. I need to have feelings that I really do have a significant measure of control in this situation, rather than seeing myself as powerless.

I may elaborate on FnB's suggestion in my own thread, but as an example:


I know my wife is turning:

Anytime she initiates conversation
Anytime she delays sending me the papers
Anytime she agrees to go to counseling
Anytime she shows genuine interest in hearing my point of view
Anytime she encourages me in any way
Anytime she speaks to me from that part of her heart that knows she doesn't want to leave (not 100% clear on how to recognize that, I'm just keeping myself aware of it)

Hope that helps.


Note to LnS / FnB. With your posts you have given me so many gifts that I would like to offer you something in return:

I refuse to see you as a victim.

One thing I have learned is that there is nothing more compelling for people than to be consistent with the way that they define themselves.

What has to happen for you to no longer be Lost and Scared?

Who is the person BEYOND that fearful old identity? That's the attractive woman that I would rather know about.

[2stepboogie]

BM,

Thanks for taking the time. Making a positive list has proven to be very difficult for me because I feel as if everything I would of put on the list for short term goals has been done. I will attempt to put a list up and I hope to get feedback/criticism from all of you.

I consider it progress when/if my W:

1. Reaches out to me (it tells me she is thinking about me) Check. This has happened on several occasions. In my case what I fear is that my W is sitting there thinking “I am making an effort to reach out to him yet he makes no effort to call me” Where is the balance.

2. If W discusses the M and tells me how she is feeling and how she felt in the M in honest and open way. Check. She has opened up to me many times, those that have followed my situation from day one have seen this, and going into month 4 where/what is the next step? I agree that my validating has become much better but when will I see some progress.

3. If she agreed to counseling with me. Check the DB session. That was what 3 weeks ago?

4. She encourages me to contact her so I don't have to wait for her to contact me. During the xmas break she said “you know you can call me also” that before she filed the D papers and before she said we should only talk in necessary. Of course she has called many times since then but I usually do not initiate, the one day I called her and apologized went well for me. That was last week she called the next day and we talked a lot then she texted me the next two days after that. Should I know continue to go dark or is she waiting for me to make some contact?

5. If she would accept a visit from me. This will be my next move.

6. If she brings up reconciliation at all.

7. If she comes back (I know I know)

Some of these I have accomplished so I really don’t know what moves I should make at this point if anything.

BITS? Michelle? Gritter? Sandi? J3B?

[Denver_2010]

Unfortunately 2Step, my advice to you is to sit back, GAL and wait... for now. It seems to me that your W has withdrawn a bit in the past week. BTW, are you sure that it's been 3 weeks since your joint DB Coach session? I thought it had only been about a week.

Anyway, one thing that my DB Coach told me when I first started was to expect my W to warm up, then withdraw, and repeat the cycle.

The reason that WAW does this is bc they are confused, and they don't want to get the LBH's hopes up.

This happened in my situation and I believe it is happening with your's. When it does, the best thing to do is go back to letting W initiate contact.

I think that this is what you need to do right now. IMHO.

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

I think DB session was about three weeks ago. This last week was the day she read to me and we talked most of the day I believe it was Wed when she was snowed in. A few text messages after that but this weekend she has gone dark.