Ok Denver I like a good debate, don’t worry about hurting my feelings I don’t have any wink. You explained yourself perfectly my point still stands.

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But I'm struggling with the idea that my W's transgression is just 'okay'.

Find a post that says it is ok. Better yet find any post on any thread that says it is ok. I am not saying what she did is fine, it isn’t. Her transgressions are something I am sure she will live with just like it’s up to her to forgive you it is up to you to forgive her. In reality if you guys decide to keep going on saving your M you will both have issues that need to be worked out.

I get the whole emotionally divorced concept. I really do and my W also told me she would have D me sooner but she did not have the money. She actually told me that to my face while I was visiting. I kept my cool and said Ok. Yes the WAS went through these emotions why they were with us. Yes they were done when they left. I get all that. It doesn’t take away from the fact that it hurts like hell and it does not make it ok.

I think 48hrs is nothing to process all of this, I think you will need weeks to be honest with you. In your W mind she left you, done and done, what is the easiest way to get a girl into bed…………….find one that is emotionally weak or going through heartbreak. They need attention they crave it. This vulture saw an opportunity and he came in. Sorry ladies but that is a fact, a secret every man knows.

You know what counts here. She told you. She was honest with you and said it. She even told you to take some time to think about how you want to handle this.

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“She vowed to be faithful to me until death do us part... She gets out of that bc she decides that she doesn't want to do it anymore? That she is 'emotionally divorced'?”

I think you answered your own question here. You broke your vows you left her long before she left you. You emotionally divorced her before she divorced you. Once she left there is no vows anymore there is nothing. There is only her waiting to get the money to make the D final and legal. Maybe you had no idea what was going on inside her heart, it doesn’t make it any less real, it was real enough for her. So yes the PA is gut wrenching, I know this feeling like you would not believe, but it is ONE in a laundry list of things that have happened between the two of you.

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“ I don't think that there is just an end to this process.”

You are absolutely right here. I am talking to my W I hope to get her back and all this is hard work. You know what I think though, if I am successful then the real work is going to begin, much harder than this. You took a small step on Thursday but that is all it was.

No I will say this so that I don’t sound like a hypocrite if I am ever faced with asking these questions on the board. I am all about the DB process; mind you DB is just a name the technique is what really works. They make sense and they are right on the money. In reality though what is the DB process? It a series of things that focus on what YOU can do for yourself and in the process you hope to win back your spouse but if you really worked on yourself then what your spouse has done or not done is a non factor. However when you work on yourself I don’t remember reading that you are to lose yourself, your morals, or your own self worth. I have my principles and I am all about winning back my W I want nothing more in the world than to win back my W but I will not become a shell of myself in the process because then the WAS will be me.

I hope this makes sense if it doesn’t then shoot back roll your sleeves up counselor I am all about batting the points back and forth. Actually I enjoy it.

BITS