The unexamined life is not worth living

[hope2011]

Denver, everyone is trying to help. You have to understand that we all care about you, are all on your side and are absorbing not only your weekend changes in your R but all the things you confessed too. All of it GOOD!!! But it changes how people guide you too. Yeah, pot calling the kettle black - you can smack me.

3 months of reflection and learning your mistakes and faults isn't a long time at all. You can very easily slip back into old habits this early and none of us want to see that. That's all anyone is saying. You've got a lot of work to do on you still. And you know that's the only thing you can control in this situation - your changes. She has to deal with her own.

She tried for years, she gave up, left, was divorcing you and moving on and would have on paper if she had the money. She was done. She moved on, and that included dating. The thing WAS' have that we don't, is closure. They worked through their grief, they did their trying, they gave up and moved on. By the time we find out, we're just starting our journey in dealing with it all. That makes them a lot farther on the "moving on" path than us. I'm NOT excusing what she did. I know it hurts like hell, I've been down that road too many times myself. But ask yourself this.... if you had not decided to DB and you guys did divorce, would you still consider her as having cheated? Or is it because you hope and pray this is just a separation and now this PA has made the separation harder to overcome? The truth is, she gave up. You pulled her back. You're on your way to stopping a divorce, you're changing the outcome. Is it more important that you took separate paths and she met someone on that path or is it more important that you end up on the same road, together? I'm just babbling here... you've decided to focus on the road together, and that's wonderful. But I know it still hurts, it's still a shock no matter how much you suspected it and it will take some time to truly move past.

Now, let me tell you that piecing is hard as heck!!!! You can see me struggling. It's hard when you're DB'ing around them and tip-toeing and scared to fall back on your old mistakes and bad habits 24/7. You and I both have both been blessed and cursed to not be separated that long. The curse is that we both still have to work on our changes while piecing. The blessing is that we have the opportunity we have. I DB'd 2 years the last marriage and 6 months after he left for the OW, he came back. For just 1 month. I completely blew it, I fell back into old habits, I was the woman he left instead of the woman he came back to. I'm determined to not do that again. I was a horrible W the first time around with my XH and a not so great W with my current H. You were a horrible H with your W. So I do understand. So I'll kick you and keep you in line, you do the same for me and all the BITS are here too. Roll up your sleeves, Denver, now is the hardest part! Everything has been a dress rehearsal until now in dealing with our spouses.

But, are we putting the cart before the horse? She said she's interested in saving it but she's not back yet. So have you had any time to think about where to go from here? What plans do you have? Valentine's Day?