Denver, I agree. I don't know why we can't call it "Brothers/Babes in the Sh*t." I will bet money that all of these wonderful ladies are "babes" in their own right. Unless we get some serious opposition, I vote that we modify our namesake to just that. All in favor? All opposed?
Lost, how are you doing? Nothing much out of you today. I hope that is because you are too busy spending time with your H and DBing like mad!
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Phew... what a day! Yes, I was DB'ing my a$$ off. And you know what??? So was my H. I knew he wouldn't be cleaning unless he was up to something!!!!
So on today's episode of my soap opera life, my H did come over. We talked. Not a lot, but we talked. He said that he missed me. He said that he wanted to be with me. He said that he wants to come home but he knows that I said last night it was too soon. Ummm... I didn't real say that, but he thought I did because again 2Step screwed me by not being in my living room during the unexpected turn of events
Anyway, I told him that I missed him to, but that he can't come home unless he is willing to work on things. Which he was. I gave him my list of things including the roommate moving out. He wasn't too thrilled about that because he is very attached to her daughter, but he agreed. I acknowledged pretty much everything I said before. It was weird because he really didn't seem like he wanted me to apologize which further solidifies the fact that I know he cheated. He is feeling pretty guilty about that. But I did not bring it up. I did not question him again because I'm not sure he'd change his answer yet. But, strangely, I wasn't overly bothered by it. This is kind of where my rape helped me if you can believe that. I understand very clearly the difference between sex and making love.
So, he left. We made plans for tomorrow. He goes on business trip all next week and I agreed to talk to him about timing next weekend. I, in all honesty, want him back right this second. But I want some foundation too. I want the foundation that some of you have been building (2Step, Denver, Bolt, etc.). I am scared to death. I am cautiously optomistic and I am taking to heart what Dixie is saying about letting myself show a little more and tearing down walls. I need to work on that more because I still didn't do so well with that today. I still have my head about me, though.
Just tell him that you want to take it slowly LIS... build that foundation. Here, I can actually use some of my W's words from the other night to use. My W flat out told me that if we are going to work on M that she isn't go to put up with certain things that she put up with before. There was a list, but I won't go into that. I think that you all got the idea from my post the other night. Anyway, what I'm saying is that maybe you should give him a list of a few things that he needs to change. I wouldn't go overboard, but it sounds like you have him wanting to come home and work on M. Now may be the time to set a few boundaries about your M.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Yes, I know you are right Denver. Sloooooooooooowwww... it's the name of the game. I need to have another talk with him. Not sure how to approach it. When he was here working on things, things would go well for awhile, then I would do something to piss him off and the whole separating talk would start again. I am not perfect. I am not close to perfect. I try hard. But that's the best I can do. I am going to screw up sometimes. But I cannot handle him threatening separation every time I screw up. Now, maybe he's past that phase because I called his bluff. But, should I say something or just let it alone?
I think right now you should leave it alone Lis you guys are very much in a baby step mode. If you say something what would it accomplish? It might make you feel better for a bit because you took control, but in the grand picture what would you accomplish. Will you be any closer to your goal?
H not using the threat of S every time that you are not perfect? No. I agree with 2Step.
H's own issues that need to be worked on for your M to be healthy? Yes. I think that you may have a bit of control here bc your H wants to come home. I think now would be a good time to set a few boundaries.
For one, no OW! At work or anywhere else!
I definitely think that should be a boundary you set before he moves back.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Lost, Good to hear you are doing well. And I am very excited that you got to spend some time with H today. I love your idea about the list, but be careful. When my W and I were working with an MC, he warned us about the pitfalls of "ultimatums." Don't make the list come off like an ultimatum because he may turn tail and run again. Pose the list as something you are going to do together as you both work toward a common goal. We both know your list will be more for him to work on, but pose it as a common goal with a common task. That way he doesn't feel singled out and won't get cold feet again. JMO.
I am glad you are doing well. It always lifts my spirits to hear good news. Take care!
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
NO OW LIS... I still think that NOW is your opportunity to put your foot down on this issue.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Sunday was good but kind of a nightmare... Because of some good advice from my friend 2Step, one of my 180's was to stay off the PC while he was around. So... I missed my friends, badly!!!
Ok, Denver and 2Step, no talk about the separation threat. I did and will continue to leave that alone right now. But I guess what I was trying to accomplish is not having to be scared of every single move I made. But I have to be mindful of that regardless. Ugh... I know you all are right.
OW? Yeah, we went over that on Saturday during the first talk. I'm in no mood. That I was pretty firm on. He still insists nothing is/was going on. I don't really care either way. I'm not dealing with it. FOBD, was that wrong? Because I fear it did come off as an ultimatum. The other things I listed, were kind of like, this is what I learned and this is how I think it can help US... But two things I said were non-negotiable. No OW and roommate moves out.
Ok, so slow is the name of the game, got it. But I think I am already screwing this up. You guys talked about control back in my court. I don't really like that. I love the partnership of our old marriage. He's scared of me right now almost. I hate that, to tell you the truth. Anyway, I am not making things easier either. He wants to talk more, but I'm still in shut down mode and I don't know how to break out of it. It's like I can see me doing it, but I don't know how to stop doing it. There are still a lot of things unsaid. So, these talks that you guys are having with your wives, well I feel like you're further along than I am because I can't have that heart to heart. What is wrong with me?? I come here and pour my heart out to all of you but then I get home and I close up like a clam.
Ugh... thank you all for your support. I'm hoping you'll have some advice.
